Seth grunts beside me. I interpret it as annoyance tinged with amusement.
Ashlin:I will neither confirm nor deny. But we’re coming to Cedar Bend.
Harley:Best news ever. Can’t wait to see you!
I turn to Seth. “Is it strange for you that Harley and I are still close?”
“No.” His jaw stiffens. “Although it did make it hard after she moved back, discovering that she kept in touch with you while I hadn’t seen you for years. I was jealous.”
“There’s nothing to be jealous of.” I caress the angle of his jaw. “Your relationship with me, and mine with her, are very different.”
He snorts. “I know that, but for ages I couldn’t think of you without hurting, and it always seemed like you walked away so easily.”
I freeze in place, hardly daring to breathe. “It wasn’t easy, Seth.” I want to distance myself from him for this conversation, but if I try, he’ll probably take it the wrong way. “Separating from you was the most difficult decision I ever made, but it was also an important one because it taught me to stand on my own.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me?” The raw pain in his voice slays me. Clearly this question has been weighing on him for some time. “Instead you just made a choice and I had to deal with it.”
“I wasn’t in a good head space.” Reaching down, I twine my hand with his and raise it to my lips. “I’m sorry. I tried to talk to you, but never knew what to say. It seemed like you were handling things so much better than me, and I didn’t want to drag you down.”
“You should have tried harder.”
My fingers reflexively tighten around his. “You didn’t fight for me,” I remind him.
“I didn’t think you wanted me to.”
Both of our bodies are rigid with tension. I breathe in slowly through my nose and release the air through my mouth. “Honestly, I don’t know what I wanted, but I thought you were relieved to be rid of me.”
“Nothing could be further from the truth.” He removes his arm from around my shoulder and we sit side by side, not looking at each other. “Although…”
“Although?”
“I didn’t know how to help you,” he admits. “I was struggling to keep my own head above water, and I couldn’t seem to do or say the right thing. Everything made you cry.”
A flush of embarrassment crawls up my cheeks, but I don’t deny the accusation. I’ve come to terms with the depressive phase I went through following the miscarriage.
“I’m sorry for the impact my poor mental health had on you.” Shimmying back a couple of inches, I face him again. “I know we have a lot to work through, but can we agree not to hold the past against each other?”
His expression softens. “You did nothing wrong, Ash. I just didn’t know how to give you what you needed. Let’s start fresh.” One side of his mouth lifts in a wry smile. “Or, as fresh as possible. On that note, will you come for a meal with me? Official date status.”
“Yes.” I match his smile. “I’d really like that.”
17
Seth
Nausea churns in my stomach, threatening to bring up everything I had for lunch. The day of our trip to Cedar Bend has rolled around, and the unshakable Seth Isles is officially shook. I can’t even remember the last time I got sick, but I’ve battled this feeling all day, and I’ve already sweated through one shirt and had to change it. Perhaps I have the flu. When I say as much to Ashlin, who is packing an overnight bag to take to the airport, she stops what she’s doing and touches my forehead.
“You’re not hot.”
“I feel fucking hot,” I counter. “Are you sure I don’t have a fever?”
She raises a brow. “I can take your temperature if you’d like, but you’re probably just nervous.”
I scoff. “Nerves don’t make me feel this crap.” Her lips twitch as she tries not to smile. I’m glad one of us can find humor in the situation. I might be gravely ill.
“Do you remember how worked up you used to get before a big fight?” she asks.
Shrugging, I don’t answer, because I hate to admit she has a point. I once emptied my guts before a championship bout against a particularly brutal opponent. Fighting might be the only thing I’ve ever been good at, but I was well aware of what I stood to lose if I took a bad blow. I’d finally built myself a life worth having. Fortunately, that motivated me to win. Ashlin may not know it, but she was my lucky charm.
