“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” Why is she even telling me this? Some kind of misguided attempt to prevent me getting hurt if I were to learn about it later? Too late. I wanted to grow old with her. To raise a family. It was one thing when I thought she just didn’t want that anymore because it was too much for her to handle, but to know she wants it with someone other than me is just cruel.
“I’m not.” She sighs, and glances down for a second. Long enough for me to know she isn’t comfortable with this conversation. “I’m going to do it by myself.”
“Wait, what?” She remembers how pregnancy works, right? Man + Woman + Sex = Baby. I’m not sure how she intends to remove the male part of the equation.
She rolls her eyes. “IVF. I’ll go through a fertility treatment and impregnation process. After the damage from our miscarriage, it’s my best chance of success.”
“No man involved?” I clarify.
“Well, actually…” She bites her lip. “I need a donor. I was going to choose one from a catalog, but none of them felt right.”
My jaw drops. Choose a father for her baby from a goddamn catalog? Of all the crazy ideas. Of course it didn’t feel right. It’s stupid.
“You’re the only man I can imagine as the father.” She swallows, and her throat bobs. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you consider it? Will you help me have a baby?”
Ashlin
They can probably hear my heart beating the next county over. Shock is written across Seth’s face, and etched in the clench of his jaw. A vein throbs at his temple. I fight the urge to yell “Punked!” and run for the exit. I knew he’d be surprised, but I’ve spent weeks dwelling on my choice, and haven’t approached him lightly. Right now, securing his agreement is the single most important thing in my universe, so I don’t flinch when he curses. I don’t glance down, or give him any indication that I’m not a hundred percent sure of my decision.
I am unwavering.
“Do you really think getting pregnant is a good idea?” he asks, the grooves around his mouth deepening.
I inhale slowly to buy myself a moment of calm. I knew this question would come, and I’m prepared for it. “I can understand why you’d ask that, considering what I put us both through last time, but I’ve been in therapy and it’s really helped.” One of my hands trembles, so I rest the other on top of it. “I’m ready to try again.”
“Ash…” That vein continues to throb at his temple. “Are you sure? Perhaps your memory of the time after the miscarriage is fuzzy, but for me, it’s crystal clear. You weren’t okay. And I… I let you down. Wasn’t there when you needed me. I’ll always regret that, and I’m not sure if I can be part of something that puts you at risk again.”
My stomach sinks, even though I understood this was a possibility. I force my shoulders to stay back. Time to preserve my dignity.
“If you don’t want to be involved, that’s fine, but you should know that I’m going ahead anyway.”
His eyes widen, and he flinches almost imperceptibly. “Still so fucking stubborn,” he mutters.
He looks down at his hands, turning them over and studying his palms. I follow his gaze, ignoring the flash of warmth that travels through me. They’re large and rough, and even though it was years ago, I remember with perfect clarity how they felt on my naked body. He used to touch me as though I was precious, but the more he lost control, the less care he took, and I reveled in his wildness.
“Just tell me something.” He squeezes his hands into fists and raises his eyes, anger flaring in their blue-green depths. “Why the fuck do you want to hurt yourself this way?” He starts to reach for me, but then stops and drags in a slow breath. When he continues, his voice is like sandpaper. “I don’t want to see you in pain.”
Oh, God. It’s just like it used to be. He’s a great, unsettled beast of a man that needs taming, and I want to stand behind him and soothe him with my hands the way I used to. Run them down his shoulders and back. Kiss the side of his neck. Watch the tension ease from him. My body clenches with the effort it takes not to go to him. I didn’t realize that his magnetism would be so potent after all this time. I should have known better. Whatever our problems, Seth and I have always been attracted to each other to the point of insanity.
“It’s okay,” I reassure him. “I can handle whatever comes.” I might not enjoy it, but I can survive. Of this, I’m certain. “I want a family, and I’m strong enough to fight for one. Like I said, if you’d rather not be involved, that’s fine, but I’m doing it anyway.”
His eyes narrow. Oh, he doesn’t like that. Of course he doesn’t. There was a time when I’d cave in to nearly anything he wanted if he used that gruff, bossy tone of his. But I’m not budging on this. His jaw shifts as he resists the urge to spill out the first response that pops into his head. Despite the circumstances, I have to smile. Always a hothead.
“I can give you time to think about it,” I say, beginning to rise from my chair. “I know it’s a serious decision.”
“No.” He gestures for me to stop. “Sit.” I do. He rolls his shoulders up to his ears and back down again. “I want to help. I can’t fucking stand the idea of seeing you pregnant with another man’s kid.”
He knows there would be no touching involved, right?
Still, a thrill shoots through me at his possessiveness. We’re not together anymore, and perhaps I need to have my head examined, but I always loved the way he made it clear who I belonged with and warned off anyone else. It made me feel cherished. Adored. Sternness aside, Seth Isles is capable of making a woman feel like a siren and a princess all in one.
I stay quiet, waiting.
“Okay.” His shoulders heave as the word leaves him on a rush of air. Those gorgeous turquoise eyes meet mine, and my insides tumble over each other. “I’ll do it.”
“Thank you.” It feels like I’ve been holding my breath forever, and finally released it. I meant it when I said I’d go ahead with or without his help, but it wouldn’t have felt right. Choosing candidates from a list of physical attributes and places of employment seems cold. Distant. Especially when I’ve spent months picturing a perfect little baby with Seth’s crystal eyes and my dark hair.
Discomfort worms its way into my gut. Part of me is afraid that all of this is my subconscious’s method of bringing him back into my life, but I shut that little voice down. I’m strong enough to stand on my own two feet. I’ve been doing it for three years now. I’ve proved to myself that I’m resilient and capable. So what if Seth makes my pulse climb and my heart soften? It doesn’t mean anything.
