“I couldn’t sleep last night,” he says, abruptly changing the subject. “Do you know what I was thinking about?”
“What’s that?”
“Remember your first day of school in Copper Ridge? When you found me on the playground?”
I smile into the phone. I was so lonely. My parents had moved back to their hometown to be closer to Nana. My grandpa was newly diagnosed with cancer, and they both needed support. I was too young to realize what a move like that truly meant. I was sad to say goodbye to my childhood home, to my friends, to my ballet teachers. That first day, I wandered around the playground, looking to see if anyone was looking at me, if anyone seemed approachable. I saw a skinny boy with sandy brown hair playing basketball with his friends, and something about him drew me in. “I remember that day.”
I can hear his smile over the line. “You tapped me on the shoulder, and I spun around, thinking it’d be one of the guys. But it was this girl I hadn’t seen before, in a pink dress, asking to play basketball with us. “
His friends started to whisper, and when he turned back, I saw one of them shake their head no. “You grabbed the ball from them and tossed it to me, letting me come play with you guys.”
“I fell so hard, right then and there. I felt something twist in the center of my chest, and I thought maybe I pulled a muscle.”
I giggle at the memory of nine-year-old Lukas going home to tell his mom he pulled a muscle at recess. “Foolish boy just fell in love.”
“Best fucking day of my life.”
CHAPTER 22
Lukas
NINE MONTHS INTO DEPLOYMENT
“Hey, this is Magnolia. Sorry I missed your call, but leave a message, and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”
“Hey baby,
Bummed I missed you. I won’t get a chance to call you for a bit. But uh…I just needed to let you know that they’re extending our deployment. It’s a mess over here. They thought we’d get to go home in the next few weeks or so, but it looks like we’ll be here for at least another two months. I was hoping to get to come home, to come see you, see my family. I think getting to be around everyone would help what my mind is doing to me, but looks like I won’t get that chance. Not yet. Fingers crossed it goes by fast.
Love you, miss you.”
CHAPTER 23
Lukas
11 MONTHS INTO DEPLOYMENT
Dear Mags,
I thought by now I’d be used to all this noise. We took over an abandoned warehouse as our hideout, and even though it’s toward the outside of the city, the noise never stops.
Every creak in the stone walls, every cough has me jolting awake, terrified we’ve been found.
It makes me long for those nights back home, where the only sound is the crickets or the occasional owl howling in the night.
I don’t sleep much anymore, and I think it’s taken its toll on me. I used to sleep like a rock, remember? Most nights I sit awake, a death grip on my rifle as I stare intothe dark so long my vision crosses. But it gives me more time to think about you.
This life isn’t for me. When Collins talks about his future, he could see himself staying enlisted. He'd be good at it, I think. He has the right mindset, the right attitude, but for me, it’s just too loud.
Too many guns, vehicles, people screaming, fighting. It's eating at me, Mags, and there’s no way to make it stop.
Iset the pen down on my wrinkled piece of paper and lean my head back against the stone wall. We’ve been stationed at this post for a week now, no sign of our target. We’re all exhausted, starving for a meal that doesn’t come out of an MRE, in desperate need for a shower.
Each day that passes without finding anything, without even a small win makes all of this feel like it’s in vain. I should have been back in the States by now. I should be on the road to putting this behind me.
I let my eyes drift closed, and Magnolia’s face comes to mind. The way the sunlight reflects off her blonde hair. Her smile. The way she stretches when waking up, whether it’s after a long night of sleep or a mid-afternoon nap. Her arms straighten above her head, her long, lean legs pointing down, toes flexed to the floor. The sting of fresh tears builds behind my eyes and I sniff them away, shoving my half-written letter into the front of my flak jacket and pushing up to stand.
“Gonna walk around for a bit,” I murmur to Collins.
