‘I bet no-one would mind if you took Cam’s dog. She seems to like you.’
‘I don’t want her.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I don’t want someone to bait her like they did with Kelly.’
Xander was quiet. ‘I thought Kelly wasn’t actually baited, in the end?’
‘She was.’ Nathan shook his head. ‘You think I don’t know what I’m talking about?’
‘No, I do. I believe you. Just, I thought Glenn said there was no bait found and she must have been sick or something.’
‘How do you know what Glenn said?’
‘He told me last time I was here.’
‘Right. Good.’ Nathan stared straight ahead. There was a sharpness between them that he wasn’t used to.
‘Look, Dad, people are only worried because it doesn’t take much for things to go wrong out here. And everyone knows you have it harder than anybody. Harder than Uncle Cam, and –’ Xander sighed. ‘I mean, even he couldn’t cope with it in the end.’
‘I know things haven’t been great lately. But honestly, the problem’s not the property, mate. Not just that, anyway.’
‘What then?’
Nathan didn’t answer immediately. ‘I don’t know. Lots of things. I’ve made some bad choices. Done some stupid things. That thing with bloody Kei– with your granddad.’
He didn’t go on, but it was such a well-worn path he could navigate it with his eyes closed. All thosewhat ifs.What if he hadn’t been in town that day? What if he had filled up with fuel the night before, and hadn’t run into his father-in-law? What if he’d driven home an hour earlier or later and never seen Keith stopped by the side of the road? What if he hadn’t driven past a man in need of help? What if he had been a better man?
That brought Nathan’s thoughts to a halt, in the same place, every time. The answers swirled lazily in the air above the shining, shimmering road not taken.
‘It’s not just the property, Xander,’ he said again. That was true, he thought as he listened to the purr of his brother’s car beneath them. It was also a silent radio, and the fact he couldn’t get decent workers, and a sea of red bank statements and a broken coolroom and now, he remembered with a flash of irritation at his son as he recalled his locked house, an invoice from an electrical contractor who he had to pay for doing bloody nothing but drive in and drive out again. It was Ilse –
Nathan’s mind caught on something again and his train of thought screeched to a halt. He frowned. What had made him stop? Ilse. No, not her, for once. His property? Partly, but that wasn’t it. The contractor. Maybe. Yes. What about him? Nathan tried to cast his mind back to their phone conversation earlier that day.
‘So you won’t even think about leaving?’ Xander’s voice was cold in a way Nathan didn’t recognise.
‘It’s not that I haven’t thought about it –’ Nathan forced himself to focus. In the back of his mind, he could feel something lying just out of reach. What had the contractor said? He hadn’t been able to fix the room. He would have to charge Nathan anyway. But he would knock some off the bill because he’d had to drive to Atherton that day anyway –
‘What then?’ Xander was looking at him. ‘What’s keeping you here? Is it Ilse? Is that it?’
‘No, mate.’
‘Whatever it is,’ Xander said. ‘Is it more important than me?’
‘Nothing is more important than you, Xander.’
‘Then will you at least think about it? Please, Dad? Whatever happened to Cam, to make him drive out there –’
There it was again. That loose thought again. Nathan tried to grasp it and separate out the strand. It was lost in a murky tangle.
‘– I don’t want that to happen to you. Dad, okay?’
A pause. ‘Okay.’ The answer came too late.
Xander stared at him. ‘You’re not even listening to me.’
‘I am. Xander, mate, I am. I promise.’
