No apology. That was new. His vision still a little dazzled, Nathan looked at his teenage son slumped in the seat, and possibly for the first time ever, found himself wondering what his ex-wife would advise.
‘What are you doing?’ he said.
‘Nothing.’ That was probably partly true. Xander wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and the car was in neutral with the air conditioner running. It didn’t look like he’d been planning on going anywhere.
‘Okay.’ Nathan sat back. In the ghostly glow of the headlights, he could see the smear of dead insects and baked-on dust on the glass. A large part of his reluctance around fatherhood, he had realised after Xander was born, had been fear. It had been deep and ingrained in a way that Nathan tried to keep buried. He had not told Jacqui. Instead, he had stumbled his way through by thinking about how his own father would react to any given situation and then – with sustained effort at times – doing exactly the opposite. A lot of the time, that meant simply shutting his mouth, so that’s what he did now.
He settled in, making himself comfortable against the worn car seat. Xander turned his head but didn’t say anything as Nathan closed his eyes. Nathan wasn’t worried; he could do silence better than anyone he knew. He could literally go weeks without speaking, and had done, several times. Xander, raised amid city bustle and constant noise, would talk first.
‘I really liked Uncle Cam.’
Nathan opened his eyes. Not even three minutes, he could see from the clock on the dashboard.
‘It’s strange without him.’ Xander’s voice was quiet.
‘I know.’ Nathan did understand. Sometimes he felt that everywhere he looked here, he was reminded of Cameron. The pair of them practising cricket in the yard as kids, pushing themselves to outdo each other on horses as teenagers, trying to make a living from the land as men. Cameron had always been methodical in his approach to life. He had thought through what he needed to do to achieve his desired outcome, then he’d done exactly that. Nathan leaned more towards having a crack and hoping for the best. Cameron’s way proved better, time after time.
‘I came out to search a bit more.’ Xander nodded at the nearest shed. ‘See if I could work out what Uncle Cam might have lost.’
‘If Lo was right.’
‘Well, yeah, exactly. Who knows?’ Xander shook his head. ‘And it’s pointless anyway. You could search for something until you died out here and never find it. There’s too much bloody space.’
‘I suppose.’
‘It’s true.’ Xander turned to Nathan, his voice more urgent. ‘I’ve been thinking. You should leave here.’
Nathan blinked. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Leave your property. Move away. Do something completely different.’
‘Likewhat? What are you talking about?’
‘Come to Brisbane.’
‘I can’t come to Brisbane. What would I do in Brisbane?’ Nathan tried to imagine himself. Concrete under his boots. Walls everywhere. Cars all over the place.
‘Do anything,’ Xander was saying. ‘There must be some other job you could do. Work in a park or something. It doesn’t have to be in an office.’
‘What about the property?’
‘Abandon it.’
‘I can’t, mate.’ Nathan lowered his voice, even though they were the only ones around. ‘I can’t afford to. I owe the bank. I’d need to sell.’
‘Then sell!’
‘Jesus, Xander. Who to?’
‘I don’t know. Just get rid of it somehow. Please, Dad. You need to leave. It’s not good out here.’
‘What’s wrong, mate? Why are you suddenly saying this?’ He knew exactly why.
‘Because.’
Nathan waited. Less than thirty seconds this time.
‘Because I don’t want you to end up like Uncle Cameron.’
