‘This way.’
He took her by the hand, moving as fast as the dark would let him around the side of the house and towards the driveway, and suddenly it was ten years ago and he was pressing her up against the side of his four-wheel drive and he could feel her mouth hot and sweet on his, and her hands fumbling at his waistband. He threw open the rear door of the car, shoving equipment and supplies aside as he dragged a blanket onto the floor.
The suspension creaked as they stretched out and he could hear their breath as the moon shone through the windows. She reached for him and he could feel the weight of the years falling away, and for the first time in as long as he could remember, he could breathe properly. She was warm and steady and suddenly it was all flooding back: the way he had felt that first night, lying close to her with the years laid out ahead of him and the choices still there to be made. And he felt as though in this moment, for once in his life, he was exactly where he should be, with his arms around her as the Christmas stars burned hot and bright in the night sky above them. It felt right. It felt like a second chance.
Later, in the dark blue pre-dawn of Christmas morning, they lay side by side. A warm breeze blew through the open car doors as they watched the giant sky move through its nightly rotation. Neither had spoken for a while.
‘I don’t believe Sophie hurt her arm riding,’ Ilse whispered. Her eyes were still on the stars.
‘Don’t you?’
‘Cameron did it. I’m sure.’ They didn’t look at each other. ‘He scared himself. I could tell from his face.’
Nathan continued to stare at the sky.
‘He was the only one out at the stables with Sophie when it happened.’ Ilse propped herself up on her elbow, facing him now. ‘She can be lazy cleaning them out, and she hadn’t done it properly. And Cam had been in this terrible mood all day. Worse than usual. I didn’t realise he was alone with her or I would have –’ She stopped. ‘I don’t know what. Anyway. They came into the house, with Sophie crying her eyes out and Cameron with this story about her horse throwing her off. I suppose it could have happened. But she’s a good little rider, and when she falls she knows what to do. It was Cameron who gave himself away, though. I could see it. He was scared by how far he’d gone.’
Nathan still said nothing, just looked out at the endless stars instead.
‘It’s true,’ she said. ‘I promise.’
Slowly he reached out a hand and rested it on hers.
‘I believe you. I’m just –’ He thought about his brothers and himself. And their dad and the years growing up under him. What they’d all become. ‘Very sad.’
The sky was a whole shade lighter when they spoke again. He ran his thumb along her forearm, stopping at a deep purple bruise near her elbow.
‘That wasn’t him,’ Ilse said. ‘That was from the calf the other day.’
He moved his thumb instead to the back of her hand, where there was an old burn mark shaped like the tip of an iron. They looked at each other for a long time, then, in the dusky half-light, she nodded. She twisted gently and showed him her shoulder and another scar, older and differently shaped. She twisted again. And again. Secrets written on patches of skin.
Nathan pictured the large bottle of paracetamol on her bedside table. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘He didn’t do it all the time. Not every day. Nothing like that. Sometimes months could go by. Sometimes he wasn’t –’
‘What?’
‘As bad.’
Nathan made himself ask. ‘Did anyone else notice?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Really?’
She looked at him. ‘Did you?’
The impulse to ignore the question was so strong it was an almost physical reaction. But he made himself lie there and look at her. He thought about leaving rooms as she entered, avoiding anything but the most superficial conversation. Looking at her only through the veil of his own suffocating self-pity and regret. Finally, he shook his head. ‘No,’ he said honestly. ‘I didn’t.’
‘You’re not alone. I did wonder if maybe Harry suspected, but there’s so much to do here so he’s always so busy. Bub –’ She shrugged. ‘Cam bullied him as well in his own way. I don’t think Bub even realised it anymore. He’s so used to being pushed around he thinks it’s completely normal.’
‘What about Mum?’
Ilse’s face hardened.
‘What?’ he said.
‘I tried to talk to her once. It didn’t go well.’
