Not wanting to have this conversation again, I put the dagger and journal back on the table, and without another word, I fall into Ereon’s waiting arms.
thirty-five
Thylas
“What are we really doing? Going after more men to protect kingdoms not of our own?” A member of thePrelmumbles from my left. I’ve listened to these men discuss how much they hate being here. “Who cares if the Antalians are dying or those in Midaeliea — they don’t concern me. I just want to be back home, with wine and women.”
“Because times have changed, Princess Carnaxa and Prince Ereon have made a peace between the kingdoms with their marriage,” I defend. “Princess Carnaxa needs people in her kingdom totry to help with the deluc.” Anger twists in my gut as I clench my hand into a fist to try to fight the boiling rage. No one wants to help them. The Southern Continent already turned their backs on us.
“Our king gives us our orders, not either of them,” he snarls out, turning towards me. “Especially not the bitch.”
That’s all it takes and the anger inside of me explodes. My left fist connects with the right side of the man’s jaw and an audible pop fills the air. He stumbles back, spitting out a tooth as he does.
“That’s right … you are her little toy. The one so caught up in her net, it took you weeks to figure out where your men were. A captain who became nothing but a cuckold for the pretty whore of Antalis.”
I run, tackling him to the ground, but he expected it. He rolls me over as more of thePrelcome to gather around us. He is a blurry display of fists as I try to block his punches at my face.
He’s right. She’s made you weak. There is no hope left.
The thought races through my mind. Maybe he is right, and I do deserve this. It’s my fault… everything is my fault. So I let go, allowing my arms to fall to my sides. I’ve been so lost in my thoughts of her that I’ve become numb, except for the anger I feel now.
His fist meets my face and I start to laugh. It’s not a laugh of kindness or joy. The man holds off on his next punch, distracted by my reaction.
I launch up, moving him from atop me, to stand. Before he can right himself, my boot connects to his side. A groan escapes from his lips and I laugh more.
Doesn’t it feel good?
It does feel good to get this out, to let the anger go. To feel something beside the pain of losing her again.
“Thylas stop!” Rhenor’s voice comes from behind me, but I ignore him. The tip of my boot connects with the man’s ribs with a sicking thud.
Rhenor grabs my arm, pulling me back. I turn, fist held high as I turn toward him. He catches my arm by the wrist and yells, “Thylas! Stop this! This isn’t you.”
I look at him and see the concern in his eyes, and the pity, and it’s a look I can’t stand. I shake him off and walk away from the camp.
I told Rhenor that when I thought there was no longer any faith left in the twin drops, I would let Carnaxa go. I underestimated how quickly it would happen. I watched her with Ereon in the snow and I watched her train with him. I’ve tried to ignore the smile she gives him, the same one she once gave me. It should be me but it’s not, and I knew this would be the way of things long ago — I just refused to make my peace with it. I’ve become weak, from how she has treated me regardless of her intent, the impact remains. So blinded by everything that has happened, I can’t lead anyone if I continue the way I am.
I look at the full moon above me, the only reminder that the Goddess is here in this forsaken land. I know she will hear mywords just as much as she did the night I made my oath to King Clennom, and the night I broke it wrapped up inside of Carnaxa.
I take off my shirt, baring my chest to the icy wind whipping around me. Theneniis supposed to be done with both sides in agreement, but she’ll have to trust me one more time. I am willing to do whatever it takes if it means she can regain her memories.
She’ll thank you for it. Let Ereon have her.
My knees fall to the snow-covered ground and I grab the small dagger I keep on me. I take a deep breath as tears brim my eyes.
Don’t do this.A voice that reminds me of Carnaxa comes unbidden into my mind.
I have to do this. It’ll be one more scar I will bear for her. I cut over my heart, feeling the sharp sting as the blood slowly trickles down my chest, and then I throw the dagger to the ground. I put my hands in front of me, raising them and making the shape of the triangle with my forefingers and thumbs, the way the priestesses do for their ceremonies.
“A ta?e liwe mæ a sa?e.” The words leave my lips, beginning the rite. “I let go of my claim.” I take a deep breath, finding the strength to finish. “A ta?e liwe ke shimemi te ke ata.I deny the twin drop given by the Mother.” My heart thumps erratically, as if telling me I’m putting it in danger and my breath becomes labored. “Katæ pi mire liwe pi mætina kemoye. May we each go our own ways.”
My chest hurts as I finish saying the words. I watch as a silver ripple flows from me, but it’s not answered with another’s ebb. It lingers, glinting in the moonlight, alone. As the ripple dives back into my chest its color morphs into a haunting black, except for oneremaining end, and I double over in agony and unleash a scream of anguish. I didn’t know it would feel like this, being torn apart and yet being put back together simultaneously. It’s worse than being whipped, because I’m ripping my soul into pieces.
Looking up, my eyes fixate on the moon, which gradually loses its brightness, signifying that the Goddess has heard, and theneniis now complete.
I stumble into my tent expecting to crash into bed and hope by the morning Carnaxa remembers what she needs to. After performing theneni, I decided I would drink until I couldn’t think about what I had done and it seems I succeeded. However, instead of falling face-first into my furs, I find Anara sitting on my bed playing with a flame between her palms, her brown hair framing her face as she looks up at my entrance. Her face pales.
Coming up to me, she asks with a panicked voice, “What have you done?”
