“Are you okay, Carnaxa?” I dip a piece of the bread into the butter, placing it on my tongue, I want to smile. Definitely cinnamon butter.
“Oh, it's nothing.” Through the dim moonlight that filters through, I watch as her cheeks take on a pinkish tint, she's not used to being seen upset. Or maybe, it's because of me. The fate she's had to sign herself to. I probably wouldn't be too happy either.
“I am sorry that you have to leave your home if that is what the problem is. This is your first time leaving its borders, yes?”
“It is. I just ... am a little homesick. That is all. I will be fine.” She continually wipes her hand over her neck and the three dark freckles that mar her skin there. The action draws my attention, I've recently had dreams of those marks beneath my lips and. It's then I see it. The mark of a lover across those stars, like a cloud covering. She's had a lover ... recently. Did he spurn her tonight? My eyes flash across the room – the Captain. Thylas is no doubt the reason for her tears. It's obvious to any man when another tries to lay a claim on a female. But to take her and leave marks of their coupling, that's bolder than I expected.
I try to keep my face neutral and continue to eat the bread that now feels like it's choking me. I know the laws of Antalis and their frivolous ideologies concerning maidenhood. She probably lost her virginity long ago, that doesn't bother me. It's not like I'm a virgin either. However, to think they have something and spend so much time together. He spends so much time withmywoman. Regardless of if it's now or later — she ismine, just like Anara.
Her eyes catch mine and for a brief moment, a look of fear flashes across her expression. She pulls her legs more into herself, her hand pushes a piece of hair behind her ear. Tears pool at the corners of her eyes, and I realize she is scared of me. Do I want that? Do I want the woman I'll be married to to be scared of me? Not truly, Anara isn’t. That's how she worked her way into my heart. It's why this is so hard now. Even before her, women weren't scared of me. They enjoyed it when I called them to my bed, but I don't want Carnaxa to think I'm her savior either because I can't be.
“I know I've asked before, but I have to ask once more. Is Shaston a place I will like?” her small voice breaks the awkward silence. She's asked about Shaston multiple times now, a safetopic perhaps, or maybe it's fear underneath it all. I’m not helping anything by continuing to lie to her, it’s better to delay her fear and allow her moments of peace, for now.
I grab a drink of water and twist my neck back and forth before I answer her, “There are certainly things I will miss from the rest of the continent but there are things in Shaston that can't be replicated elsewhere, no matter how hard I try. I'm sure it will be the same for you when we arrive in Shaston. I do hope that it becomes a home for you, I don't want it to feel like a prison.”
The words leave my mouth before I can stop them. Of course, Shaston will be her prison, it's supposed to be. She won't have the freedom she is accustomed to or the adoration of the people, and she won't have the love of the husband she truly wants, no matter how my feelings might mature. The thought of what I will have to do is almost as heartbreaking as what will happen if I don't.
“I am excited to see your home, Ereon. But I have to know, is it so hot the skin will melt off if it's exposed. That’s not really the truth right?”
I laugh. “Shaston isn't paradise, but it's not all deadly. As far as the heat exposure, there are precautions we take. We all wear a lot of long-sleeved clothing, we are covered from our heads to our feet. Inside the men have many other options, but the women are still expected to remain more clothed than what you will be used to seeing or wearing.”
“There seems to be many protocols in Shaston from what I’ve heard and read. I hope you’ll help me remember them all once we are there, like you did with the King and Queen’s names, here in Midaeliea.”
“Certainly, Princess. Considering our predicament, I’ll be at your side from now until we pass on. That’s a lucky stroke of fate for me.” I try to make light of the situation, but sadness still clings to her. I want to keep her smiling for as long as I canbefore her faith in me is ruined forever. Our wedding ceremony will ruin her, along with everything else my father has planned.
I stretch out my legs and cross my ankles. “Tell me something, anything. Tell me something about you. A favorite memory, a favorite food.” I run my hands along the wooden table, my appetite sated.
She glances up toward the skylights and there it is ... her smile. She has such a beautiful smile, this one isn’t for formality’s sake but one bloomed from pure joy. Her eyes light up just the smallest bit and she twirls a piece of hair between her fingers. She lets her legs back down to touch the floor, and I realize she's barefoot. Her bangles chime as she stretches.
“Before my mom died, we would often go to the village. She loved walking around each day and one night a month was more momentous than the others. The night of the full moon. She said the full moon was when the Goddess was awake and watching all night long. Sometimes, the Goddess has other duties to attend to, but when the moon is full and bright, she's there the whole time. We would dance in the light of the moon along the shore. I remember her in her favorite red dress, twirling and laughing as the surf crashed against the sand. I swear I watched the waves change shape and dance with her too.” Carnaxa likes to speak with her hands, and I put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. It's cute to watch her hands as they make the ebb and flow of waves. “She would create the most amazing things out of the sand, and to this day no one has ever been able to recreate them. I don't know how she did it. Many have told me it was just the imagination of a child and her creations would always be gone by the time the sun rose but when it was just me and her – she made the world come alive. She was beautiful, caring, and so loving. Did you ever meet her on any of your journeys to Antalis?”
“I met your mother once, long ago when I was but a child.” I smile at her and lean in close whispering, “She scared the shit out of me.”
Carnaxa's melodic laugh fills the room, and I can't help but laugh with her. I may be older than her, but right now she makes me feel like a child, laughing in a kitchen late at night. I haven't done something like this in a long time; I can't remember when I last laughed without abandon, without fearing someone would catch me enjoying myself. Shaston doesn't let children be children, we are taught to grow up quickly. We don't have time to sit and laugh, to just be children.
“How did my mother scare you? You must have been taller than her when you were but a child. She was very tiny.”
“Tiny and intimidating. I remember looking at her and thinking that if I messed up she most certainly would whip my hide 'till I couldn't sit anymore. She just had this presence about her. She would look at me like she knew exactly everything about me, I was scared to even talk to her.”
“She did have that about her, she could always tell when Thylas and I were lying.”
She bites her bottom lip at the mention of the guard. So it was him that she was with tonight. I should ask for his whereabouts, but right now I don't care. I'm glad he's not here. I don't need the reminder that she will never give me her heart, but if I'm honest will I ever be able to give her mine?
“It's getting late, and my stomach seems to have stopped rumbling for the time being. Thank you for letting me be a part of your midnight excursion. Would you like me to escort you back to your rooms or do you plan to stay here a bit longer?”
She considers the words for a moment before standing, her robe flowing to the floor. “I'd like the escort, I almost got myself lost finding my way here.” She smiles at me and I stand, makingsure to put the remains of our late-night snack away before I open the door for her.
My men stand and surprise flashes across their faces upon seeing her, I don't miss the look of lust either, as their eyes trail down her. I grunt and their eyes immediately shift back upwards as we pass. I know they are going to be staring at her ass the whole way back.
The men will change the closer we get to Shaston. The darkness we all hide inside of us gets unleashed upon Shaston borders, the place where those evil instincts are expected to run and rule. Some have already been complaining about the lack of entertainment available to them.
“I want to thank you for reminding me of the Queen's name the other day. I don't know why I couldn’t recall it. I was panicking. I studied and prepared, but I guess I'm still trying to figure everything out.” Carnaxa looks up at me. She is a short thing, at least two heads below my own, and I smile down at her.
“No trouble, I have been here many times over the years. Queen Natala and King Elino have known me since I started coming to the kingdoms’ summit when I was seventeen. I should have paid more attention to my own studies as well, but I think part of the journey of youth is not listening to our tutors.” I can't help but laugh at the memories of my own accidental, royal fuckups. I've had many.
The remainder of the walk is in silence until we turn the corner where her rooms are and I see Captain Thylas standing at her door. He is leaning down, his forearms on his legs. He looks like he got hit in the gut – I hope he did. When he hears our footsteps he turns quickly, his eyes dancing from me to Carnaxa and back. He rights himself, standing strong, and clears his throat.
“Princess Carnaxa” – he eyes her – “I was not aware you left your chambers.”
