“I'm ... I'm ...” she turns around flustered and leaves back the way she came, slamming the door so loudly the windows shake in the panes. The other guards snicker across the room, and I glare back daring them to say something, as I pull my leathers back into place quickly tying the laces.
Lanie wipes the corner of her lips, smiling up at me. She has no idea what game she’s a part of. I feel bad, she might think I am not attracted to her, contributing to the extended time I needed to find release, but it has nothing to do with her. I’ll apologize later.
I push past her and walk quickly after Carnaxa. She walks briskly down the hallway, her bangles around her wrist jingle with every step she takes.
“Princess Carnaxa.” I try to catch her attention. She doesn't stop, in fact, she starts walking faster down the barely lit hallway. “Nohæ! Please!” I yell, but she continues ignoring me as she passes other soldiers, who quickly move out of her way. Smart men. I can’t help but yell at her one more time, “Baby girl! I need you to stop.”
Finally, that spurns her attention and she turns around, her grey dress fluttering behind her. A flash of hurt assaults her eyes before she composes herself, straightening her back and folding her hands in front of her. “Captain Thylas, I am sorry I interrupted your activities, please go back and enjoy.”
“It's not what you think, I was ...” I take a step toward her and she quickly takes one step back. She pushes a piece of hair behind her ear as she takes on a more regal tone.
“It doesn't matter. I was simply trying to see why you were not on duty today while Siphonie and I traveled the village, but as I have my answer, I'll go now.”
“I tried ... I promise, I was coming.”
“Well that was obvious toeveryonein that room,” she interrupts me. While her cheeks show a splash of pink, she never breaks eye contact. She motions her hand back down the hall, “And feel free to go back.”
“Kosæ!That's not what I meant and you know it. Ereon, he's the one who sent them. He's the one who wanted to keep meaway from you.” I reach out to her but she moves nimbly out of my grasp. “Please, listen to me. I didn’t want to be with her.”
“What's the point in listening, Thylas? I'm not your woman, it doesn't matter. I'm sure Ereon was forcing you to get your cock sucked when he was at the village with me. Because you were always celibate in Antalis too, right? The woman at the festival was just a friend? The other women I’ve heard speak about you, giving them nights of pleasure they’ll never forget. That was all Ereon? But it's fine, just finish up what you were doing. We have dinner with Queen Natala and King Elino. Please find your way there on time.”
Before any more words can leave my lips, she turns and stomps down the corridor, around the corner, and out of my sight, leaving nothing but her scent of vanilla and coconut suffocating me. I punch the door beside me, the wood splintering and leaving marks along my knuckles. I hit it again and again, not caring about the damage to the door or my hands. Midaeliean soldiers appear and try to pull me away. My heart feels like it's being ripped out and it’s my own fault. I didn't mean for her to see this, I don't want her to feel less than, to feel like I would choose someone over her. She’s known about my dalliances in Antalis, but now things have changed. All because I had to know what it was like to just hold her, to let her be the one wrapped in my arms.
The men pull me back and I push them off. “I’m fine!” my voice is more of a growl and all I want to do is run after her.
How do I fix this? I can't deny that I wasn't enjoying it when she physically walked in on me mid-release; I can't stop that any more than a wave can stop coming to shore. She saw the look on my face as I thrust my essence into Lanie's mouth, but how am I supposed to explain it was to the image of her that I came? Damn Ereon, and his role in this. I know he planned for this to happen.
I don't know what his plan is, or why he wants to keep me away from Carnaxa. He knows we can't legally have a relationship, she's betrothed and she will be married in Shaston. He doesn't know about the hidden moments that should have never happened. Moments I will ensure never happen again. Will I serve her? Forever. But he has no reason to worry about me.
Leaning against the wall I slide down and sit on the cold floor. Ereon’s men and the women leave the room we were all in, the women giggling and the men smirking at me. I run my hands through my hair, currently wanting to pull it all out. Carnaxa has always called up my emotions, having me act in ways I wouldn’t normally. I used to ignore much of my duty because of her. That's why I put distance between us after the whipping. It had to happen, she is my weakness, the one I can never have. Perhaps the Shastons are correct and the Goddess loves playing cruel games with her creations, me most of all.
Four Lunar Years Ago
I had to pull Carnaxa from her mother's body. She clawed at my neck and arms but finally, she gave up. We've been sitting on her floor now for what seems like hours and I've whispered the prayers I learned as a child. I may not have been born here, but I pray to the Goddess just as much as anyone in this kingdom, if not more.
“Neshæ pekæ ra , lengo ra , noko ra,” I whisper into her hair. Watch over her, guide her, love her. The only prayer I can think of to help during this time. I hold her tightly against my chest. She shakes from the tears that pour down her round cheeks, her cerulean-blue hair cascading down her back and over my hands.
I should have fetched the King at his wife’s first sign of distress, but surely someone else will. As Carnaxa's guard, I'm sworn to her and she needs me. Since she found me on the beach, we've been close as we’ve grown up together. Ifind myself giving into her playful ways and enjoying our interactions more than I should. Interactions that go against my training but make her smile nonetheless, like sneaking extra cheese for her from the kitchens or leaving the castle when we’ve been told not to so we can see thetaohodancing along the waves at night.
She rocks against me and I hear her soft breaths and feel her body rising and falling slowly. She's fallen asleep, which is probably for the best given the current situation. I stand up slowly, my hands under her knees and around her back. I lay her softly on the bed and kiss her forehead. She smiles briefly at the gesture. I turn to leave when she grabs my sleeve.
“Don't go,” her soft whisper fills the room.
“I'm not going far. I'm going to see what's going on and I have to go get your father.”
Tears well in her eyes. “Please don’t leave me, Thy. I need you.”
“I have to Naxa. I'll be back soon, okay? You're safe here.”
“You'll be my safety?”
I kneel down on the edge of her bed, wrap her hand in mine, and kiss her knuckles gently. “I'll forever be your safety, Nohæ. I'll always be here for you.”
A sad smile crosses her lips. “What does that name mean?”
“I’ll tell you one day. But right now” – I push her hair back behind her ear – “go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up.”
I watch her roll back over and snuggle deep into her covers. Through the window I notice the moon has moved across the sky; I’ve definitely been in here longer than I meant to be. Quietly leaving her room, I’ve barely shut the door without a sound before hearing the King's booming voice from the hallway,“WHERE IS HE!? WHERE IS THYLAS!?”
