“It’s not… no, we’re just…” I sigh.“Bye!”
I leave to the sound of her chuckle.
The air is cold and dry as I step onto the sidewalk, and Theo stands up and walks toward me.His hands are tucked deep into the pockets of his wool coat, and half his face is buried in a gray plaid scarf.“Sorry.You could have waited inside.”
“No, I didn’t want to distract your co-workers,” he replies.
We stare at each other wordlessly.I guess neither of us knows where to begin.Finally, he takes a breath, pulls a hand from his pocket, and points down the road.“There’s a coffee shop still open down the street.Can we go there, warm up, and talk?I would invite you to my place, but… It’s too tempting.”
“Coffee shop is good,” I reply, and we start to walk.I don’t take comfort in the fact that he thinks being alone with me in his apartment is tempting.I would have a few short months ago.But now, it just hurts that he has the common sense not to go there.I don’t.After everything that’s happened between us, I still want him.And I don’t even care if there’s no future in it.I just want him.I hate myself for it.
The shop is tiny with wood tables and benches with colorful pillows.There are two people tucked into different tables near the back.One with headphones on and his face in his phone, and the other with a laptop open in front of her as she types away.We get to the counter, and Theo orders a black coffee.I frown at the order.“He’ll have a hot chocolate and so will I.”
Theo’s brow lifts, but he just nods at the cashier, who rings it in.I try to fight him to pay, but he insists.We wait by the counter, and he starts to unwrap his scarf.“Where is the drawing?”
“I brought it home and then came back to wait for you,” he says.
I nod.“Are you actually going to hang it up?”
“Yeah.It’s cool.”Theo grins, and my stomach swoops.“I look hot in it.”
“You are hot,” I offer, trying to sound casual.Strong.Aloof.
The server puts the hot chocolates in front of us.Theo picks them both up and quickly surveys the room before choosing a small table tucked into the back of the L-shaped seating area.He puts down the hot chocolates, and we both take off our coats and hang them on the back of our chairs before sitting down.He wraps his big hands around the mug but doesn’t drink from it.
I lift mine to my lips.“You were actually going to order a black coffee?At almost eleven at night?”
“Spoiler alert, I don’t even like black coffee.”He looks sad suddenly as he stares at the dollop of whipped cream floating in his drink.“I used to drink caramel lattes.That was my go-to coffee drink.But since the roof, I avoid them.I avoid all the things that bring me comfort, joy, or happiness.Like you.”
I almost choke on my sip of hot chocolate, but I manage to get it down.I stare at him over my mug.He finally lifts his eyes to meet mine and offers me a small, broken smile.My breath hitches.“I decided to take your dad’s advice.He told me to see the team’s sports psychologist back at Thanksgiving.I finally decided to do that.And in typical Theo Richard fashion, I have also started seeing a regular psychiatrist.It didn’t feel like the AA meetings were enough anymore.”
“Go big or go home,” I say softly, and when he smiles, it’s a little less broken this time.I swallow another sip of the hot chocolate, but barely taste it.“Seriously, though, I’m proud of you.It’s not easy admitting to yourself that you might need help.”
He nods.We don’t speak for a minute as he finally takes a sip of his hot chocolate, and I rustle up the courage to ask, “So you think I was good for you?”
He reaches across the table and drops his hand on top of mine.My shoulders instantly sag at the feel of his skin against mine.I’ve missed him so much.“Lola, you were… Youare… the best thing that’s happened to me in a very long time.Maybe in forever.I can be myself around you.I feel… like I’m enough with you.”
He squeezes my hand, and I stare at his knuckles, unable to bring my eyes to his.“I don’t feel like enough.For anyone.Not since the… emergency operation.I’ve been avoiding relationships because, well, I’m bad at them, but also I have this missing piece now.”
“What did I say to you during that snowstorm?”Theo squeezes my hand again.“Look at me, Lola.”
His tone is stern, so I force myself to look up.His face is soft, his eyes warm.“I said I didn’t think I wanted kids.I told you how I’m worried about my genetics.That was long before I knew you can’t have them.And I haven’t changed my stance on that.You know that there are other ways to have a family, if you want one.If I want one.I can foster like Conner and Mac are doing.Like Coach Larue did.I can adopt.I can get one of those little fluffy dogs and dress it up in clothes and treat it like a child.”
I laugh, and he does too, lifting his hand from mine and pressing his fingertips into my chin so I keep looking at him.“Fact is, I have a lot of stuff to sort out before I can even think of kids.And I’m trying to do that now.So I can go for the things that make me happy without feeling like I don’t deserve them.”
His thumb glides along my jaw, and it makes my heart flutter.His voice drops and gets husky.“I’m sorry I fucked this up so badly.I never wanted you to feel like this was your fault.I was falling for you, and I freaked out.”
Theo Richard was falling for me.
Was.
“I’m still falling for you,” I whisper.“I want to stop, but I don’t think I can.Sorry.”
He smiles.“God, we’re really bad at this friends-with-benefits thing.”
I laugh again, and tears prick my eyes because I’m a hot mess of emotions right now.He stands up suddenly and moves his chair to my side of the table.He sits back down so we’re next to each other, wraps an arm around my shoulders, and turns.I can feel his breath glance across my skin, he’s so close.“I need to sort my shit out.I’m trying.I’m trying because I want to win you back.I want to be the person who deserves to be your boyfriend.But… I can’t ask you to wait.”
And then he kisses me.It’s soft and warm, and when his tongue slides against mine, I melt into it.It’s like coming home.
