Ilove my brother, I honestly do, but if I have to witness yet another hook-up with another random woman who tries to befriend me in the morning while she uses my coffeemaker, I’m going to move out.So when Callan comes home with his next good time, I smile and nod and don’t bother to remember her name.“You kids have fun.”I grab my coat and bag from the closet in the hall.“I’m heading out for a bit.”
“Cool,” Callan says absently to me and then smiles down at his pretty friend.“Have you ever hot tubbed in the snow.It’s magic?”
I stifle a groan, shove my feet into my winter boots, and walk out the door.I don’t know where I want to go, so I text my friend Delia to see if she can meet for a drink.She agrees, so I drive to our favorite little cocktail bar on the pier in Old Orchard Beach.Because it’s off-season, it’s half empty, and the cozy vibe it gives off is just what I need.Delia gets there a few minutes after I sit at one of the small tables next to the window overlooking the ocean.I can’t see anything except the moon glinting off the occasional wave it’s so dark, but I still love it.It almost feels like we’re on a ship in the middle of the ocean.
“Hey!So glad you called,” Delia says as she starts to unwrap what seems like an endless scarf from around her neck.“Donnie is playing video games with his brother, and I was so bored!Also sick of listening to them yell.”
“Yeah, Callan brought a new girl home, and I didn’t want to pretend not to hear them get to second base in the hot tub,” I say and roll my eyes.“I ordered us two Malbecs.”
“Yummy.Thanks.”Delia fluffs her blonde hair and settles back in the purple velvet club chair.“So talk to me.How’s life?How’s work?”
Delia graduated from the same program I did, but the year before me.She’s working as a doula and as a receptionist at a doctor’s office.I smile, but it must look as forced as it feels because Delia’s eyes cloud over.“Lo, it’s okay to be having second thoughts.”
“No.It’s not.I’ve spent the money.I graduated.This is what I said I wanted to do with my life.”I sigh and run my hands through my hair.“I like the idea of it still.Of helping deliver babies and helping women become moms.I do.But the actual jobs are few and far between and… I haven’t really had the sense of… joy and fulfillment that I thought I would have.I knew it would be an uphill battle, and I would have to hustle to get recognition and clients.The problem is I’m not on fire every morning to hustle.I just don’t have it in me, and I feel guilty just admitting that to you.”
Delia nods and shoots me a sympathetic smile.“I’ve been at it a year longer than you, and it’s not any easier.I’m still hustling.I have two clients right now, one eight months old and one four months old, and one postpartum client at four weeks, and I still have to work two shifts a week at the office to pay the rent.I’m not loving it, but there’s nothing else I would rather do.”
“Yeah.I’d much rather spend my days babysitting Randie than going to interviews and trying to sell myself to prospective parents.And then get their doctors to buy in.I’ve only had one doctor actually welcome me into the birth discussion.Another looked at me like I was trying to sell him something in an MLM.Fighting for respect is exhausting.”
Delia thanks the waiter as he brings us the red wines I ordered, and I give him a grateful nod.We clink glasses, and both take sips before she tells me, “I’ve had a similar experience.It’s not easy.And wait until you get a complicated delivery.We had a breech delivery last week and almost lost the baby.The paperwork is ridiculous and took me days after the delivery.Also, fighting with insurance companies is no joke.If I didn’t wake up every day wanting to do absolutely nothing else, I would definitely be doing something else.”
I nod and sigh.She reaches across the small table and squeezes my hand before she takes another sip of her wine.“Is there something else you can pivot into?Something that you wake up and look forward to every day?”
I open my mouth but can’t bring myself to admit it out loud.Delia waits, her blue eyes wide and expectant.“I want to do something that makes a difference.I want to contribute to the world.”
Delia’s eyes soften, and she cradles her wine as she leans back.“You will.Something will come to you, just be open to it.Don’t think just because you went to school means you’re trapped.There are other programs and other schools, Lola.In the meantime, how are you enjoying Portland?”
We talk about the city, my job at the bar, and babysitting Randie.Delia tells me about her boyfriend, Donnie, and all the cool hikes they like to take with their dog, Ozzie.She pauses, then asks, “Are you dating?”
“Nah.”I shake my head and swirl my wine.“I want to stay solo right now.I tried the random pick-up thing, and it backfired.Dude was clingy and even showed up at my house.”
I don’t mention the car because I’m still waiting for the police to determine whether it was him.But every fiber of my being says it was.
“Fuck, why do men make it so hard to date men?”Delia shakes her head.“You know if you want random hook-ups, try One-And-Done.”
“I just set up one of Callan and Landon’s teammates on that app,” I say and smile at the thought of Theo.
“Look at you being cupid.”Delia giggles.“But why the fuck would a professional hockey player need an app?He would just have to stand on the sidewalk and flex his glutes, and women would start dropping their panties.”
“He’s new here.And he’s got a complicated backstory, so he only wants sex, like me.I heard really good things about OAD, so I put him on there because he needs a lay.”
“Has he used it yet?”Delia asks, and I shrug.I kind of hope he hasn’t, which is silly because it’s none of my business and I shouldn’t care either way.I just… really liked kissing him and the feel of him and… “You should join!”
I stare at her like she’s just blurted out something in gibberish.
“No.I mean, I was already on there.That’s how I knew about it, but I was always too nervous to actually go through with a hook-up.”She makes a face at how silly that is, and I realize she’s probably right.
“Before Donnie and I met, I had three different hook-ups on that app, and they were all exactly what I needed.No fuss, no muss, just an orgasm.”She smiles.“And fuck the patriarchy for making you think we don’t get to have that if we want it.”
I laugh.“It’s not the patriarchy… okay, maybe it is a little.”
My mind flashes to Pete.He was an organic hook-up.A dude I met out in the wild who somehow thought I was not in it for the reasons I said I was.On this app, every single guy knows exactly why you’re there.“Yeah, I guess I could re-activate my profile.”
Delia claps excitedly.“Let’s do it now!”She puts her almost empty wine glass on the table, gets up, and shifts her chair over so we’re beside each other.I order us two more wines, for courage, and re-download the OAD app.It takes a few minutes, but we’re able to log back into my old profile.It’s got a fake name, of course.I went with Summer, my middle name, and have three photos up.One of my hands with a freshly done, modest manicure wrapped around a mug of steaming tea.One full body of me skiing last winter at Big Bear, but I’ve got a hat, scarf, and ski goggles covering my whole face.I put it because it’s a full body shot, and it shows I’m into sports.The last shot has Delia letting out a low whistle.“You are fishing with live bait, baby!”
I laugh and fight the blush.The picture is on the beach, and I’m in a thong bikini, holding my sheer cover-up in the air like it’s a flag.The wind is whipping the billowing cover-up in front of my face, covering it.My hair is much shorter than it is now, in a slightly long pixie cut.I’m in profile, and every curve, and one entire ass cheek, is on display.“That’s the money shot, baby.Why is it buried?”
Delia takes my phone, sets it as my profile photo, then puts it down on the table.“Let the games begin!”
