“Dad, I’ve had a wild couple of hours and I don’t have practice or anything today, so I just want to crawl into bed and try and sleep,” I tell him. “I appreciate you being here for me. You’re more supportive than I deserve.”
“Stop saying shit like that,” he demands and pulls me into a hug. “You’re my kid. I love you no matter what, and you deserve that unconditional love, Grady.”
I fight the urge to tear up again with how much I wish that was true. He lets me go and pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Before you nap, we’re calling mom. I can’t keep something this big from her.”
“But I don’t even know if it’s mine!” I say and start to panic again. “Please, Dad. Just let me figure it out. I’ll tell her if I need to. Please.”
He relents, shoving his phone back in his pocket. “I can give you ten days to figure this out, Grady, and then I really have to tell your mom. We don’t keep secrets in this family.”
I nod. Maybe he doesn’t, but my whole life has been one.
Chapter 33
Grady
After my dad leaves, I do what I said I wanted to do—sleep. It’s fitful, and when I finally give up, only an hour later, and get out of bed, I’m stiff and still exhausted. I rub the sleep from my eyes. The apartment is warm now, and so is the water heater, so I get up and take a scalding shower.
Talking to my dad didn’t make anything better. He doesn’t actually support me because he doesn’t know the truth. And he didn’t need to witness that meltdown because it wasn’t about Angie being pregnant. It was about losing Landon.
Because this can’t… we can’t continue now.
When I finally get out of the shower, I wrap myself in my robe and pad into the living room. The sun is setting, and the winter clouds peppering the sky are pink and violet. The apartment is too quiet. It feels like a tomb, so I turn on Spotify and choose a classical station, and then I walk back into my bedroom and open the nighttime drawer. I pull out my secret phone.
I’ve had it now for almost two years. Ever since my cousin Theo noticed I had the Grindr app on my other phone. Harlow was there when he saw it, and she immediately saved my ass. Laughing wildly and telling Theo she installed it on my phone as a joke and had been waiting all summer for someone to notice. We all had a good laugh. I went out and bought this phone the next day. No one knew about it. I used to travel with it, so I could meet guys on road trips, but I haven’t even turned it on since I was traded.
I have to plug it in and wait ten minutes before it has enough of a charge to power on. Then I scroll through the contacts I loaded and find my cousin Tate. I send him a WhatsApp message.
GRADY: It’s Grady. Got a second? It’s important.
I leave the phone charging on the night table, make sure it’s not on silent mode, and head to the kitchen. I stare at the slim contents of my fridge, checking that nothing else was spoiled in the power outage, as I wait for his response. It comes in a couple of minutes.
TATE: Don’t know this number. Grady who?
He’s worried I’m some crazed fan who somehow got his digits. Fair.
GRADY: You used to hide under your parents’ bed during thunderstorms when you were seven because you were too embarrassed to tell them they scared you. But one night you snuck into their room during a storm and they were twitching and shaking under the covers and making weird noises. You screamed because you thought the storm was somehow hurting them but they were just having sex.
I have never written a longer text message in my life. I wait while he reads a little detail no one but I would know. I’m the one who consoled him after the trauma.
TATE: Why do you have a new number? Also, delete that message.
GRADY: I need to ask you something.
TATE: Sure dude. Wassup?
I hold my breath.
GRADY: I need to know how to get a paternity test.
I see the little dot that shows he’s read my text. Then bubbles.
TATE: Who the fuck is this?
GRADY: Tate. I’m serious.
My phone blows up with a request for a video chat. I hit accept. Tate’s wide eyes fill my screen.
“It’s for a friend, right? And not in that wink-wink sorta way. Like an actual friend.”
