I remember when Abbott came out at his Cup party when his team won the Stanley Cup. The way it sent shockwaves it sent through the league and how ridiculous it was. I mean, who the fuck cared? Apparently everyone. Players were asked the next season how they felt about it. I remember my uncle told the press that if one of them asked the Quake players anything about it, they’d be banned from the press line-up for life. He told them the sexuality of a player has nothing to do with the game or the sport, and no one had a right to an opinion on it, and they didn’t have a right to ask them for an opinion.
I glance at Grady as we walk into the house. I would love to know if that’s why he doesn’t come out. But that’s not my business, and, despite the fact I feel like we’re moving in the right direction with each other, I still don’t think I should ask.
Declan leans in to kiss Abbott quickly on the mouth as he passes, and then he shakes Grady’s hand and mine. He’s even hotter up close. Abbott is good-looking too, so they make a cute couple. I glance at Grady again. Does he want to be like that—married—one day? I still do. Despite never having rushed to do it with Angie, I still see myself married one day. To… well, someone that I love. Male or female? Damned if I know.
Why doesn’t he already have someone? It’s gotta be a purposeful choice because I can’t think of a person in the world that wouldn’t think he’s drop-dead gorgeous. And he’s a great guy.
“Sorry, the house is a bit of a mess.” Declan waves his hand around as we enter the not very messy living room. There’s a small pile of toys strewn about the floor in the corner, and the throw pillows are piled on one end of the couch, but that’s hardly a mess. The rest of the room looks like something out of a Coastal Living magazine. “I’ve been babysitting my two nephews as much as possible because my brother Finn and his wife just had their third, and the boys are a lot with the baby. They keep treating her like a football. So between having the boys here and working at my family’s restaurant and Abbott being back on the ice, it’s been chaos.”
“Declan’s family is huge,” Abbott says as he walks us through the living room to the dining room. “Not like Garrison-sized, but big. Everything is a bit chaotic in our lives all the time.”
“I get that.” Grady smiles. “The town of Silver Bay acts proud that we’ve created this hockey legacy for the town, but I also secretly think they’re thrilled to death when the season starts and we all disappear to our respective teams. It’s a lot when we’re all in that town at the same time.”
Once again, I’m slightly jealous of how close Grady is with his family. Abbott offers us beers, and I decline, but when I see him grab non-alcoholic ones for himself and Declan, I ask for one of those. The conversation is light, easy, for everyone else anyway. I find myself quiet and doing more nodding than talking. I’m always like that in groups, but I’m fascinated tonight by how easy it seems for Grady. I’m the one who grew up spending a couple of weeks here every summer, so why is he the one who seems like he’s old friends with the locals? Is it just because he’s a Mainer? Am I reading too much into it?
Declan tells us the dinner is simple, but when he places it on the table, it seems anything but. There’s a lobster bisque to start, a lemon herb roasted chicken, which is juicy and flavorful, with roasted veggies. Even the giant bowl of salad looks delicious.
My gaze catches on every moment between our hosts. The way they casually touch each other’s hands, the way Abbott refills Declan’s water glass without asking. The way Declan notices Abbott dropped his napkin and automatically gets him another that earns him an appreciative smile. They’re… well, they’re just like any other happily in love couple. I think, a million years ago, Angie and I looked like that. I’ve just… never seen it this up-close-and-personal with a same sex couple. Then my eyes start sneaking glances at Grady, who is directly to my left at the round teak table.
He’s being Grady—friendly, gregarious, and witty. Never awkward and always confident. But there are a few, quick moments when he thinks no one is looking, that I see him staring at our hosts, too. Absorbing the details just like I am. Processing the normal simplicity of it. Does Grady think he can’t have that? That it isn’t possible? Does he just not want it?
“Do you have a lot of nieces and nephews?” Grady asks them. “The Garrisons have just started the next generation. In the next couple years, we may have to build our own town to house all of us. Or at the very least extend the boundaries of Silver Bay.”
Declan smiles. “We have a few now. My brother Logan has one, my brother Finn and his wife just had a third. The first girl grandchild, which is a big deal to my mom. She’s taken on the role of grandma like a fish to water. But she’s not a nightmare about it. My sister isn’t having kids, and my mom is totally cool with it. Abbott and I made the mistake of telling her we’re starting to plan a family, though, and she’s already sending me emails with baby name suggestions.”
Grady looks shocked by that, and everyone notices. Abbott smiles at him. “I know. I didn’t think I’d be here either.”
Something passes between them briefly. If Declan notices, he doesn’t seem to mind. I, for some reason, feel a knot of jealousy twist in my gut. Are Abbott and Grady friends? From before we were traded? Because Abbott’s talking like Grady knows more, deeper things than the superficial conversation we’re having. Declan reaches for the salad for seconds and looks at me, then Grady. “Either of you thinking of kids and a family?”
I can hear Abbott smack Declan under the table. Declan startles and lettuce escapes the salad tongs and drops to the table. He looks confused. “Did I stick another one of my feet in my mouth?”
I clear my throat and sip what’s left of my beer. “I just got out of a long-term relationship. But it’s not a touchy subject. I probably won’t have kids, even if I find someone else.”
Everyone looks a little shocked. I open my mouth and almost clarify my statement, but instead, I reach for what’s left of my water glass and shrug. “I had cancer. There’s a strong possibility my boys don’t swim anymore. Ang… my ex didn’t want kids, so she wasn’t bummed.”
“I’d love kids,” Grady says, pulling the focus off me, thankfully. “I just don’t see it in my cards. But I’m sure my sister will have them and I’ll be the fun uncle.”
“Funcle,” Declan smiles. “That’s what my brothers’ kids all call me.”
The conversation moves on. I barely participate. After the blueberry parfait that Abbott apparently made from scratch and is hockey season-approved because it’s made with Greek yogurt and a protein crumble, Abbott takes us onto the porch, where he talks more about the season, the management, and how we’re feeling so far. I let myself get distracted by the sound of the surf crashing on the dark beach just a few yards away and the roar of thoughts in my head. About Grady wanting kids, being in the closet, having such an ability to ‘belong’ in any situation. He’s not scared of anything… except telling people he’s gay.
“When you retire, do you really think they’ll give Conner the C?”
Retire? Did Abbott just say he was retiring, and I missed it completely? I’m a self-absorbed moron. Abbott nods. “Yeah, and I’m sure the PR department and even the owners will be thrilled when I’m gone. The media shitstorm of having the first openly gay player as the captain hasn’t been easy.”
“And you wonder why I won’t say anything,” Grady mumbles.
Abbott smiles. “I didn’t say it wasn’t worth the hassle.”
Wait… what? Abbott knows about Grady? Since when?
“I’m not retiring because I have to. I’m sure if they don’t renew my contract for next season, I’ll get offers, but I don’t want to put Declan in a position to leave his job and his family obligations. The Hawkins are super tight-knit knit and I’m very close to my sister and her kids. Also, I’m pushing thirty-five, and the injuries are happening faster and lasting longer. If we’re going to do this kid thing, I want to be able to pick them up without my shoulder dislocating or my knees grinding.”
I nod a little too vigorously. “Yeah. Of course. Makes sense.”
“But if I did want to keep playing, I wouldn’t worry about what city can handle a gay hockey player and what city can’t. I spent too long in the closet trying to make other people’s lives easier, and all it got me was rehab. Fuck other people.”
“Honey, we don’t do that,” Declan chides with a smile on his face. “This marriage is closed. You’re stuck with me and only me.”
