“They legally can’t talk about anything they hear. Good, I guess, but they still heard her.”
“Don’t you…” I swallow. My mouth is dry. “Don’t you want to know what she said about you?”
The phone moves and then I see his face again. Only I don't recognize it. His jaw is tight, his eyes narrowed and cold, his mouth in a flat, hard line. He looks so mean. "That I cheated. That I forced her into three ways. It's all the same crap she threatened to go to the media with if I didn't pay her more than the prenup had indicated."
“Oh.” I want to feel better at this revelation. “So this is her slandering you for money?”
“She got the money. Now she’s just slandering me for sport, I guess. But jokes on her. I'll get my dad's lawyer involved again. He won't let her continue to do this," he says firmly, and then he swallows and scrubs his face with his hand, rubbing off the hard, cruel face I didn't recognize. When he looks at me again, I see a glimmer of the Crew I know. The one I've been falling in love with for the past few months.
"So is it all lies? Or is it true but not the way she says it happened?" I bite my lip.
“You know I married young. I told you how hard I worked to stay married even though I knew deep down it was doomed. She asked me to buy her a big stupid house and I did it. She asked me to experiment, sexually, and I did that too.”
“So… you guys cheated on each other? Because she wanted you to cheat?” The Crew I know is monogamous and happy about it. I think.
“It wasn’t cheating. We opened our marriage,” Crew explained. “With ground rules. And she broke those ground rules, not me.”
"And there were… three ways?"
He swears, the hardness coming back to his features and his voice. "Is that the part you think is horrible? Or is it the part where she says I had three ways involving men?"
"No. I don't think that's horrible. I think it's horrible she's calling you something you aren't," I don't think I'm handling this right but I don't know what right is here. All I can do is handle it the best I can and I'm trying. "Because she said you were gay and that isn't true because you have feelings for me."
He calms a minute, all the pressure I could see building in his chest, tightening his muscles, making the vein on the side of his thick neck throb, it all slows. “That’s right. I do.”
I slowly exhale. “I care about you too Crew. More and more each day.”
“I’m not gay.”
"Please know if you were I would want you to be. I'd want you to be whoever you truly are and I would be devastated because I'm falling in love with you at a blindingly fast pace, but I wouldn’t be devastated that you were gay because there is nothing wrong with being gay. I’d just mourn not being what you’re attracted to." I am babbling but I think I make sense. Please may I be making sense?
“I think I’ve made it abundantly clear that you are exactly what I’m attracted to,” Crew replies. “I’ve even provided photographic evidence today.”
I smile softly. He smiles too but it's not the kind he usually gives me. He's not lighting up any rooms today. "But… I have been meaning to tell you that… in the past, I've been with men. And I've liked it. Because I'm bisexual."
I blink. He’s staring at me with such a soft, open, vulnerable look. My head is spinning, my heart is aching. “But now you’re with me. And only me.”
“Yes. And I only want to be with you.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah. I’ve always believed sexuality is a spectrum,” I explain but something about this is sitting wrong. Not exactly wrong but… something is still causing an ache in my chest. “I don’t care that you’re bi, Crew. I care that you didn’t tell me until you were forced to.”
He doesn't say anything. In fact, he doesn't even look at me through the screen. I have a sudden urge to apologize, say forget it, and just brush this whole thing under the proverbial bed because I'm a people pleaser. And I don't want to lose him. But I'm trying to be stronger, like my mom, and she is the queen of speaking her mind and standing up for her feelings so I will too. "I told you everything about my biggest worries and my secrets. The attack. I didn’t want to but I did and I thought we were both sharing. That’s a big part of who you are and you kept it from me.”
“Because, I told you, I don’t trust women.”
“I’m not women,” I argue. “I’myourwoman. I’ve never given you any reason to think I would do anything other than have your back. But you keep lumping me in with someone who wronged you. I can’t fix that, Crew. So I think you need to decide whether or not you can really, truly let me in the way I’ve let you in. Because if you can’t… I have to walk away.”
“What?”
He sounds angry and shocked. I feel sad and tired and terrified he’s going to let me go. But I have to stick to this. I know I do. “So think about it. I’ll see you when you get back.”
He hangs up before I can and that feels like a very, very bad sign.
Chapter26
