“Can you drop me off at the Orangetheory up the street?’ Mayhem asks, carrying her own dish to the sink.
“Sure thing.”
They file out of the kitchen and a few minutes later, as I’m loading dishes in the dishwasher, they leave the house. Mom is staring at something on her phone. “Your uncle Big Bird and your Aunt Jessie agreed to be in Tenley’s documentary about the Pro Hockey World.”
“Wow? Why?” I ask stunned. “And please don’t say you and Dad are doing it. I do not think you have a safe for TV mouth, Mom. I love you but some of the stuff that you blurt would get you in trouble with the FCC.”
She laughs and puts her phone down on the bar, reaching for her coffee. “I agree and so does Ten, which is why she didn’t ask me. Don’t worry, no cameras for us. But I wanted you to know. The Westwoods are also doing it. And I think a Braddock or Casco or someone else is too.”
“Oh, cool.” Crew is going to be on TV, maybe while dating my cousin. This just keeps getting better and better.
“There’s that darkness again,” Mom notes and I turn away from her, bringing the frying pan to the sink. “Leave that and come sit. We need to talk. I don’t think you’re okay.”
I can’t tell her about the attack. Not yet. I’m not ready. But my mom is relentless and has the strongest motherly instincts of anyone I’ve ever met so she will not let this go until I give her something. I take a deep breath and turn from the sink, leaving the pan to soak.
Mom has moved the coffee machine and is refreshing both our cups. She glides to the fridge and her long pale yellow sundress swooshes after her. I zone in on the tattoo on her inner wrist. It’s an outline of three heart balloons, their strings overlapping here and there. Inside each heart is a year, the birth years of Conner, myself, and Mae.
It's not her only tattoo. She has another one at the base of her neck, the Japanese symbol for family which she got long before we were born. That's the one thing we have in common, more than our appearance. The fact that both my mom and I have always believed family is sacred. And we both have always known we wanted one of our own. Crew is divorced and never wants to remarry. He doesn't trust women at all anymore. That means he's not fit to fulfill my wants and needs. Shelby has never expressed any need for marriage, children, or a family of her own. Maybe she is the better fit for Crew.
“Hey, overthinker,” Mom calls out softly, pulling me from my mental spiral. “Let’s chat it out over coffee.”
She holds out my cup to me and I walk over and take it and follow her into the living room. As she sits at one end of the couch, I sit at the other and we both tuck our legs up at the same moment like twins. Twins… Crew…
“I’m not a virgin anymore by the way so you don’t get to keep teasing me,” I announce and it feels incredibly good to get that out. “But I am not ready for the entire fam to know so, like, don't tell anyone, please. I know that's asking the world from you but please.”
Mom blinks, almost like I just tossed cold water on her face, but she recovers quickly and nods. "I don't think I can stop teasing and keep it a secret at the same time. If I'm not razzing you, the way I do everyone about everything, someone in our family will get suspicious. Probably, Tenley, you know how she makes it her job to unearth secrets."
“She’s been busy lately with trying to make the doc happen,” I tell Mom. “She’s hardly ever home and when she is, she’s locked in her room. Very unTenley-like, but exactly what I need right now.”
“So… I guess I don’t get to ask for details.” Mom sips her coffee as I make a face at her. She smiles wryly. “I’m not sayinggorydetails. I don’t need to know his dick size or anything. I don’t want to know anything that will make it impossible to keep a straight face when I meet him. I just… was it okay? Did you enjoy it? And be honest, I swear I will never tease you about this, no matter what you say.”
“It was great,” I say and a smile blooms over my pink cheeks before I can stop it. I’m trying to keep this vague and casual but clearly failing.
Mom grins back and sighs, putting a hand on her chest. "Oh thank God! I know my first time was subpar at best and I thought if that happened to you, after waiting as long as you have, you’d write off sex forever. Not that there is anything wrong with that. If you were pan or whatever I wouldn’t care but I just want you to be happy with yourself.”
"Mom, a pansexual is someone who is attracted to people regardless of sex," I correct gently. "Someone who isn't sexually attracted to anyone is Asexual."
"Okay, that. If you were that, I'd be fine, I just want you to be whatever makes you happy.” Mom reaches out and grabs my hand giving it a squeeze. “But I’m glad you had good sex. With a man?”
“Yes.” I laugh. “And before you say it, I know you’d be fine if it was with a woman.”
“I would.” Mom nods. “So this man… when do I get to meet him?”
“I will not be disclosing any more information at this time,” I announce. “Or ever. Just know that it was exactly what I wanted and I have zero regrets.”
Well, except for the fact that I’m not dating him.
Yeah, that's right. I realized last night, when it was revealed that Crew was interested in Shelby, that I wanted him to date me, even if I hadn't heard about this apparent infatuation with my cousin, I think the reason I have been keeping my distance from Crew a little when he's made it clear I could call him up and jump into his bed again, is that I don't want to be his bed buddy. It isn't enough for me.
“So how long have you been dating him?” Mom asks, ignoring what I just said.
“He is not my boyfriend. I’m not dating him,” I reply and sip my coffee again, hoping it looks as casual as I am trying to be. “It’s not an ongoing thing. That was what I wanted. No more questions.”
“Oh. Okay." Mom pinches her eyebrows. "No judgment but… did you really wait all this time to give it up to a one-night stand?"
“You’re right, I didn’t think I wanted that,” I agree and try not to sound too annoyed because I’m the one who opened up this conversation. I’m not sure what I did. I guess, after the sting of last night, I just need to talk to someone about it, even vaguely, before it becomes a memory. “But I changed my mind and I’m glad I did.”
Mom doesn't look like she's buying it. She keeps shooting me leery looks. "As long as you're happy and safe. I just… I would like to know what changed your mind."
