Hope you landed safely so that you can read this text and know I still think you’re a dick.
I said I'd rent you any listing on Air BnB as a replacement. I'm trying Ten. Fuck.
I had forgotten I promised to let my sister and her friends use my apartment while I was away on this road trip. Tenley is in her final year of year of Film and Television at UCLA and she and her classmates wanted to shoot a big chunk of their final project at my place. It didn’t seem like a big deal two months ago when I agreed, but I hadn’t anticipated having a baby hiding out there.
So when she called today to confirm, I had to lie and tell her a teammate’s house had a pipe burst and I’d agreed to let his wife and kids stay at mine while we were away. I had no idea how good I was at lying and I’m kind of bummed I know now. Lies suck. Liars suck and I’m one of them. And I’ve made Mallory one of them too.
"You haven't stopped scowling for more than three seconds the entire flight and now you're doing it again," Duke Hendrix tells me. He's our backup goalie and one of the guys I'm closest to on the team besides Nash and Crew.
“Yeah. Not a great day.” I growl and the lighthearted look on his face grows serious. “I’ll be fine.”
“Have you met with the sports psychologist yet?” Duke’s question almost makes me stumble. “I’m related to the coach, remember? It was my aunt Winnie’s birthday last week and they’re in town from Maine so we all went to dinner and Jude… Coach Braddock mentioned it. Before you get all pissy, know that I’ve been seeing a sports psychologist since I was sixteen, and a regular therapist since I was six. I had a deadbeat dad and a mom who grew up with some serious emotional trauma. She was pro-active and it was the best thing ever.”
“I’ve lined up a private one. Not the team’s shrink,” I tell him because even though I think they have some oath where they can’t share my personal info, I don’t trust this guy on the Quake’s payroll to keep my baby news to himself. “Gonna talk to the one my cousins use. Can we keep this between us, though?”
“Yeah. Sure.” Duke shrugs as we walk through the small private jet terminal. “You still hung up on that bullshit stereotype the world feeds us that men can’t have emotions or get help for them?”
I glare at him but that just makes him smile. “I’m not some kind of caveman. I’m cool with feelings and mental health. My cousin Conner is basically living with a psychiatrist, remember? She’s family even if they aren’t married yet. I just… don’t want a bunch of questions from the guys. Or my family. I know you’re friends with Grady but can you maybe not mention me or this to him if you guys hang this trip?”
“Dude, you don’t have to ask. I don’t talk teammates with Grady,” Duke replies. “We don’t talk hockey at all.”
Grady and Duke were on the Winterhawks together last year, but then Duke got traded here. It was great for Grady because my cousin got moved up from backup goalie to the starter, but Duke, who is older and on the backend of his career became our backup, which isn't so great for him but also not unexpected since he's pushing thirty-four.
We all get on the private bus that will take us to our hotel in downtown Seattle. Duke sits next to me and is blissfully quiet. I lean my head against the window and start checking my emails. There’s a notification from Amazon and I click on it. Someone has gifted me a book. I recognized Mallory’s email as the sender. She’s had the same one since high school.
The e-book she sent me is calledConscious Parenting; Creating Positive Bonds and Raising Emotionally Secure Childrenby Laurel Rody. No note. No explanation, but one isn’t needed. I need help and she may be mad at me but she’s still trying to help me. I really need to fix things with her before she takes off. I’ve let my friendship with Mallory be fucked for many reasons for far too long. And yeah, I am still wildly attracted to her, but she’s right. We have to restrain ourselves because getting naked together won’t do anything to improve our friendship. And in the end, that’s the most I can ever be to her. For her. At least for the foreseeable future.
* * *
Forty minutes after we get to the hotel, I’m flat on my back on my bed in team sweats reading the book Mallory gifted me. I’m two chapters in and so overwhelmed I’m making notes on the hotel stationery. I had no idea all the intellectual and emotional thought involved in raising a child. I know that sounds insane, and now I have a new respect for all parents—especially mine. They did all of this without me even realizing it.
I decide to call my mom. I would normally just text her if I had something to say or video call her. As Conner pointed out I'm the Garrison who uses his phone for everything but calls. Right now, though, I need to hear her voice and I also know if she sees my face, she'll know somethingbigis up. So a good old-fashioned voice call is the only option. Sitting up with my back against the headboard I hit her personal cell on my list of contacts. When she answers she sounds pleasantly surprised.
“Hi Tater Tot!” Her calm, melodious voice instantly relaxes me. “What a surprise. I was just talking to Auntie Callie about you.”
"Oh. You're with Auntie C?" I say, and immediately want to hang up. My aunt Callie, my mom's middle sister, is also married to my dad's older brother. She's an aunt twice over to me, technically, and I love her dearly, but she's intense and couldn't spell the word boundaries with a dictionary in her hand. She is like a drug-sniffing dog at an airport when it comes to problems and secrets. She finds them without even trying. So I have to be guarded on this call. "Well, I just wanted to say hi. So hi. I'll let you get back to whatever it is you're doing."
“We’re just having donuts after the gym,” Mom says with a small, guilty giggle.
"It's all about balance, Tater. You could use some donuts!" my aunt calls out, and Mom shushes her.
I smile. I do love my family. And that’s why this situation is even harder. I care what they think more than anything. If I see looks of disappointment on their faces when they find out about Dylan, I will literally wither and die inside.
“What’s up with my favorite son?” Mom asks lightly. I’m her only son, by the way, so it’s not a hard title to earn.
“I just… wanted to say thanks,” I say and feel a knot in my throat. “You and Dad are awesome.”
“We are,” she agrees but then her voice drops an octave. “Why are you finally noticing?”
I laugh but the sound comes out like a choked gargle. “I’ve always noticed, I just never bothered telling you.”
“Good to know we’re appreciated,” she says. “I don’t need to hear it, but thank you. I love you. Now what’s going on?”
“I’ve just been…” I close my eyes. I can’t tell her. Not over the phone with Aunt Callie right there and not Dad. I should tell them together. In person. “Under a lot of pressure recently and it’s got me thinking deep thoughts. Not a big deal, I promise. I mean nothing I can’t handle but I’ve been thinking a lot about you and Dad and my childhood and how lucky I was without even knowing it.”
“Tate,” she says my name softly. I can picture her auburn eyebrows pinching together and her wide mouth falling flat with concern.
“Is he okay?” Callie’s voice, also heavy with concern, filters through the phone.
