“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I rub the stubble on my jaw because I didn’t bother to shave this morning. “It just feels like he had this prize he was going for all this time. Like maybe even when I thought it was about us, it wasn’t.”
“Has he said that?”
"No, but it feels that way."
Holly emerges from the bathroom but she’s at the end of the hall patting her mouth with a napkin. My time with Jasper is coming to an end. He’s going to clam up as soon as she’s within earshot and I don’t blame him. “Look, all I can say is people’s intentions change,” Jasper says, his eyes darting over to Holly as well. “When Cristian and I got together for the first time, I swear his only intention was to upset me. Throw me off my game. I think it was a joke to him. And my intention? Hell, I don’t even know what it was but I can tell you with absolute certainty it was not to fall in love with him. But that’s exactly what happened.”
Huh. I sigh. He smiles and grips my shoulder, squeezing for a second. “Intentions, plans, what we think we want… it’s fluid. Like sexuality. Forget where you started. Have an honest conversation with each other about where you are now.”
Jasper stiffens, like the royal iceman everyone thinks he is, and walks away, bodyguard in tow. Holly pops a breath mint in her mouth and waves me over to take the seat the crew is currently lighting.
The interview is a fluff piece. The questions are painfully banal. But then he asks me about the fine I got for not removing my ring. My fingers land on the band, pressing the cool metal into the tips. “Yeah. That was dumb. I understand it’s for my safety I was just being… obstinate.”
“Do you think that maybe you do that because you know your dad will always have your back? You’ve never had rules, have you? I mean, before F1?”
I shake my head. "My father was not a walk in the park. I had rules and curfews. And I was in karting for years and F2 and F3. I followed those rules just fine. I'm aware that my father is a safety net that some people may not have. Be it other drivers, or other bisexual men. I am lucky he accepts me and supports me in all my pursuits. But if we're being honest here, it's a hindrance too."
“How so?”
“You think I’m taken seriously? We both know I’m not.” Somewhere in the back of my brain something is panicking and telling me to keep my mouth shut, but I don’t. Typical Gabriel Allard, authentic to a fault. “Mayflower gave me the seat because he bailed them out. But they don’t give me much else. The support isn’t there. The team isn’t behind me and you know what? That’s fine. I am still laying it all out there. I’m still doing my best. One day soon I will get those points. And money. And I still won’t get a fucking thing in return. And I’ll still keep trying. If I’m lucky, someone will notice and offer me a contract somewhere else. Somewhere that wantsme, not my dad’s money. But even if it doesn’t happen, I’ll still keep proving them, and you, wrong. Even if no one wants to notice.”
The producer is just staring at me. The camera stops rolling. I see the light go out, but no one moves. I stand up, a pleasant smile on my face because I feel good. I feel lighter like I lifted that chip off my shoulder all by myself. "Are we good?"
He nods.
“Thanks guys.” I pluck off my mic, hand it to the sound girl, and leave.
30AXEL
I don’t even knowif I am allowed in Mirabella’s paddock. My pass says all-access but like, could this be considered an act of treason because I’m dating Gabriel? But wait, am I dating Gabriel? I guess that’s why I’m here. Because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I need my best friend.
“Axe!” Lucia belts out my name as she walks by the front doors. She pauses to punch my shoulder. She’s not a bug hugger or toucher, I’ve noticed. “Are you here to see Billy?”
“Yeah. Is that allowed?”
“Of course. I mean maybe not on race day. On race day we might have to lock you in a dungeon or something, but today, sure.” Lucia winks and holds open the door for me. “He should be in his room. Last door on the left.”
She points down the hallway and then starts up the stairs. I wave goodbye to her and head down the hall. Sure enough, there is a little plaque on the second door on the left that says Billy James. I rap my knuckles on the door. "Yep?"
I swing it open. Billy is sitting on a chair, his trainer in front of him, pulling on a larger rubber training band that is around the side of Billy’s head while he uses the muscle in his neck to pull on it in the other direction. My neck cramps just watching this and I reach up and rub it.
"Okay. Done," the trainer says. I don't know his name. Billy's normal trainer, for most of his career, is a girl named Clara that I know really well. But she quit at the end of last season and now he's got this nerdy-looking guy.
Billy fist-bumps the trainer and turns to me. "I heard Gabe is free and clear."
“Yep. Great news.”
“Yep.” Billy waits until the trainer steps out and closes the door. Then he turns his big blue eyes back to me. “So… what does that mean for you?”
“It means that Louis and Damien, the shit stain that works for him, are going to end the relationship. And I’m supposed to trot off to London for my cushy new job. The one that I wanted so badly it got me into this mess and, in the words of Porky Pig, ‘that’s all folks’.”
Billy nods. Then he stands up and rubs his chin while pinching his eyebrows together. It means he’s pretending to think deeply about something. It’s sarcastic acting as he once explained to me. “So… how do you think they’ll end you guys? You cheat? He finds out you have a secret baby with a dingo in Australia? You were already married to someone else? What lie will they tell the public next?”
He’s trying to be funny but I don’t laugh. Neither does he. “I’ll probably just disappear with nothing more than a press release. Mr. Allard and Mr. Walsh have decided to go their separate ways, but they wish each other the best in all they do and remain friends. That’s how I’d do it if I were running the show. It’s how Ihavedone it for a bunch of other people.”
I drop down onto the small couch in his dressing room and close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"Okay, look, I have to be in a practice session in twenty minutes so let me just tell you what you need to hear," Billy announces, spinning his chair around and straddling it so he can lean his chest on the back while he faces me. "Gabe is not Eric. He isn't using you. He has never gaslighted you. He thinks you are the moon and the stars and the fucking sun. I can not only see it in the way he looks at you but also in the way he treats you. And you… yeah, you wanted the job. Who wouldn't want the fucking job? But now you want Gabe too. And it's okay to want both."
