“On coming out?” Logan questions.
“On loving me,” I croak out, my voice so raw it’s embarrassing. I open the door to the attic stairs. We both climb them in silence. Once we’re standing in my childhood room, I realize how odd this is. Logan and Finn hardly ever came up here. In fact, I don’t remember one time, other than when they actually helped me move my stuff up here, that they were up here.
“God, this place isn’t as big as I remember,” Logan says as he moves away from the sloping roof to the middle, which is the only place either of us can stand up fully.
“Because you’re a full-sized adult now,” I state the obvious as I grab my old high school track duffle bag from a drawer in one of the two dressers. It’s the only thing I have to pack stuff in. Aspen shoved everything in one of my giant suitcases, but didn’t bring my other travel bags, which were in a box in Abbott’s garage. “You didn’t come up here much when we were teens. But I spent half my life up here either cracking my head or with an aching back from hunching over all the time.”
“I was always so jealous you had this space, but now I’m not.”
“I wouldn’t have taken it if I thought that either of you wanted to be separated,” I explain. “But you and Finn were so tight. And Terra adored both of you, so I figured I’d slink off up here and leave you guys alone.”
“We thought you just wanted to be as far away from us as possible,” Logan shakes his head. “But it turns out you thought we didn’t want you around. Fuck, for a close family we sure as shit didn’t talk much.”
I give him a sad smile. “That’s on me. I tend to make decisions for people instead of just asking them how they feel or what they want.”
“Yeah, and back then I was too drunk to want to talk about anything.” Logan sighs. “Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry about you and Abbott. And I hope you know that if you need to talk, I’m here.”
“Didn’t we just establish we suck at that?” I grin and he laughs. “If you want to do me a favor, just keep an eye on Abbott. I don’t know if he told you but his homophobic, zealot parents are back in the picture and they’re gunning for Andie.”
“Yeah. He told me.” Logan nods. “I’ll keep an eye on him. But Deck, if you love him enough to care like that… are you sure you guys are done?”
“Yeah. Because, like always, he’s letting me go,” I mutter as I move some clothes from the suitcase Aspen brought to my duffle bag.
“Is he though?” Logan questions and when I look at him, he’s got both eyebrows arched. “Because he also asked me to keep an eye on you.”
I blink. Well, that was unexpected, but still. Does it change anything? No. “Look, I love him, but we can’t keep doing this. So I’m getting off this rollercoaster. I want more than he’s willing to give. I can’t… I deserve it. Or at least I want to believe I’m the guy that deserves it.”
“You deserve it, Deck.”
I panic because I think he might try and hug me so I change the subject. “Do you think they’ll have an iron at the cottage or should I iron my stuff now and hope it holds.”
Logan laughs. “Never change, Deck.”
I smile. I think maybe I don’t want to anymore. And that might be a good thing.
24
ABBOTT
I’m sittingon the porch, staring out at the sand dunes as they blow in the warm breeze. I’ve been like this for over an hour, just staring, doing nothing. Well, I’m thinking of Declan. Torturing myself with memories of our short, perfect cohabitation and fantasies of all the things we could have been if I hadn’t had to end it. Aspen’s silhouette appears at the top of the boardwalk. I know it’s her by the way the sunlight is reflecting in her golden curls and the quick, bold gait she has. Aspen doesn’t walk, she struts with the confidence of a drunk cowboy.
She’s been at the beach with Andie for the last couple of hours. She makes her way down the path pulling a small wagon filled with towels and beach toys. Andie is on her left hip. I can hear her contented baby gurgles as they get closer. They disappear from view as Aspen walks around the house to put the wagon in the garage but then a moment later she’s swinging open the front door. She stops in front of me. At first she says nothing, just stares. I don’t meet her eye because I know I’ll either see pity or annoyance in those big blues and I’m not in the mood for either.
Suddenly my niece is dangling directly in front of me, Aspen holding her under the arms. “Here. Take a baby,” Aspen commands sharply. “They make sad people happy.”
I would argue but I can tell by her tone it would be fruitless, so I reach for Andie and prop her up on my thigh. And then I scrunch up my nose. “She’s soaking wet and sandy!”
Her little chubby arms and legs are coated in sand, and her bathing suit, and the drenched diaper under it, are dripping a puddle of ocean water on my shorts. I hold her up again. She puts her chubby little feet on my left thigh and kind of tries to make herself bounce. And then she squeals and claps and sand explodes everywhere. “Aspen! Seriously!”
“Enjoy the baby!” she yells back from somewhere in the back of the house. Maybe upstairs. “Feed off her happiness like a sad little vampire!”
I would tell her to go fuck herself but Andie is staring at me with wide, bright eyes. “Argh,” I groan. The sound makes Andie bounce a little more and squeal again. Luckily this time there’s no clapping. I love this kid. And Aspen. I wouldn’t be losing Declan if I didn’t. But… I love him too. The idea that I just blew my last chance with him is fucking nauseating.
Aspen appears in the doorway again. She steps onto the porch with a pile of baby clothes and a fresh diaper in one hand and an overnight bag in the other. “You guys going to stay at Javi’s?”
She shakes her head, dropping the overnight bag by my rocking chair as she grabs Andie from me. “Nope.”
“So what’s with the bag?”
