“I’m the one asking questions today, Abbott,” Aspen replies sternly. “Have you read The Gift of Fear?”
“Are you practicing your interrogation techniques on me or something, Ms. Soon-to-be badass cop?” I ask and she shoots me a withering stare as she gently lays Andie on her back on a changing towel on the wicker couch across from me.
“Have you read it? By Gavin DeBecker.”
“No. Never heard of it.”
“It’s about safety. How to protect yourself from violence,” Aspen explains as she starts to change Andie out of her bathing suit and wet diaper into a black onesie with an outline of Ruth Bader Ginsberg on the front. “It drills home the need to listen to your gut. Basically, women are trained from an early age to doubt their inner alarms. Ignore gut instincts in order to appear like a team player, or a nice girl or a proper lady. But those gut instincts keep us safe. And in a lot of cases, alive.”
“Okay… so you think I need to protect myself from…?”
“Yourself,” she replies, snapping up Andie’s onesie and picking her up. She gives her a quick loud raspberry in the crook of her neck, and I ignore the fact that all the sand is now off my niece but all over my couch instead. “You never go with your gut, do you?”
“I do on the ice,” I reply. “I never think, I just do.”
“Okay, so why don’t you do it with the rest of your life?” Aspen’s question is easy to answer.
“Because my life isn’t about me. It’s about the people I love. I need to protect you,” I blurt out. “And Andie. Aspen, they are seriously going to try and get her, even part-time.”
“I know. And I love you desperately for all you’ve done for me my whole life.” The light in her eyes dims to something more serious, which is a rarity for her. “But I won’t be the reason you aren’t happy.”
“I won’t be happy if those monsters are involved with you or Andie,” I reply firmly because it’s true. I lean forward in the rocker and reach my hand out. Andie’s finger immediately wraps around my index finger and she tugs on it, grinning. “Remember the garbage they filled our heads with. The shame and the fear and the militant punishment? She won’t have to go through a second of that.”
“Bentley says they have zero chance at full custody and even visitation is slim,” Aspen replies. “This is just another fear tactic. They’re trying to control us, through this, since it’s all they’ve got. And we’re letting them win.”
I think back to meeting my parents at that hotel. I didn’t let Aspen go. Because Bentley was on the Turnpike on his way to town but still an hour out, I went and faced them alone. They made it clear they wouldn’t stop trying to get into Andie’s life. Because the child needed God somewhere in her life. My mother’s exact words. I walked out of there getting nowhere, and although I agree with Bentley, there weren’t a lot of judges who would find in their favor… there might be one. And I can’t risk it.
“Abbott,” Aspen says my name, pulling me out of my walk down nightmare lane. “What’s your gut say?”
“They won’t win.”
“I mean about Declan. About coming out?”
“That I love him,” I tell her without a moment’s hesitation. “That if he doesn’t take me back when this bullshit is over, and I can finally come out, I’ll never forgive myself.”
Aspen smiles. But then I keep talking. “Also, my gut tells me that if I come out and it gets me traded or ruins my career altogether, and the monsters come for you again and I don’t have the money to get you a good lawyer, I’ll never forgive myself. Or if something happens to Andie when she’s older and I can’t help her out financially if she needs it, or if Deck needs to go back to a hospital for depression and we can’t afford it or if—”
“Okay that’s not the gift of fear, it’s the plague of anxiety, Abbott,” Aspen tells me as she stands up and plops Andie back on my lap. “Baby therapy. Snuggle the crap out of her.”
I can’t help but chuckle. Aspen smiles as I turn Andie to face me and she giggles and moves to clap but she’s too close to me and ends up smacking my cheeks. She looks as stunned as I am at first but then she squeals in delight and does it again. Aspen howls with laughter. “Even Andie is trying to smack some sense into you.”
“Ha. Ha.” I roll my eyes and turn the baby so her back is against my chest.
Aspen’s laughter dies out and she gets this soft, totally uncharacteristic look on her face. “I know that hockey has been your life, your security, your reason to breathe for a long time. And like I said, we appreciate all you do. But the thing is, Abbott, all I want is for you to be happy. Like truly, totally happy. And I’ve never seen you happier than when you’re with Declan.”
“I’m terrified,” I admit in a rough whisper.
“I know,” she says, but before Aspen can say anything else there’s a loud honk right outside the front door.
We both stand up. Aspen puts Andie down on a blanket on the floor, and we walk over to the door. Through the screen I see Finn’s car. His window is down and he’s got his head sticking out of it. “Let’s go Barlowe! Bachelor party starts now.”
“This is NOT a drill!” Jake yells out the window behind Finn. He’s hanging out of it like an eager puppy.
I’m stricken with horror. I had completely forgotten about Jake’s bachelor party. I can’t go now, not after everything with Declan has blown up. There’s no way we can hide our feelings or avoid each other in a creaky old, four-bedroom cottage. I open my mouth to spit out an excuse but it’s suddenly covered by my sister’s hand. “He’ll be out in a sec!”
She starts pulling me backward, away from the door, back toward the rocking chair I was sitting in. When Aspen let’s go of my mouth she bends down. I think she’s going to pick up Andie who is sitting quietly blinking up at us, but instead she hands me the bag she brought out onto the porch earlier. “I packed for you. Go.”
“Aspy, you know I can’t,” I tell her and try to hand her back the bag.
