It’s Ma. She sounds stressed, so I peel my exhausted body off the couch and walk over to the front door and swing it open. Relief washes over her face when I open it and she even sighs with a hand at her chest. “So glad you answered.”
“I was resting. I’m tired,” I explain. “Has something gone wrong downstairs? Is it the vendor for the tents for Cup Day? He was supposed to reconfirm that all the tents were white. He was trying to give us a hodgepodge of colors and I don’t want this thing looking like a circus. I want it classy.”
“No. No word from him yet that I know of,” Ma says, and her hand reaches for the cross on her neck, like it always does when she’s nervous. Only her fingers find nothing and her hand drops back to her side. “I was just wondering if you’d had lunch. I can make you something and bring it up. You aren’t eating as well as you used to, Deck and it shows. I’m worried.”
“Ma, I swear I’m okay,” I promise her and narrow my focus on her neck. I don’t see the chain around it. “Did you lose your cross necklace?”
She shakes her head. Her big, dark hazel eyes look anywhere but my face. “Must’ve forgot to put it on this morning. Please come down and eat something. I also want you to review the lease agreement.”
“You never take it off so how could you forget to put it on?” I ask but she just takes my hand and tugs me toward my front door. “I don’t have shoes on, Ma.”
She pauses long enough for me to shove my feet into some flip flops by the door. I only ever leave the house in them when I’m going surfing. Flip flops are not at all my idea of proper attire, but she seems to be in a rush. “I think it’s very sweet that you’d give up your place for Robbie. But I also don’t want you to feel like you have to. I’ll miss having you close. You know, sometimes, I just drive by at night and seeing the lights on up here, knowing you’re home safe, makes me happy.”
“Ma, I promise you I won’t get up and move away again,” I tell her for what has to be the hundredth time. I really scared her with just up and leaving without a word, and I regret that but I don’t regret leaving. I needed that alone-time to clear my head and figure out how I wanted to handle the rest of my life. “And you also don’t have to worry about me hurting myself again. I promise you, I’m not going to let myself go there. And everyone needs to stop worrying about that. It doesn’t help me.”
She pauses at the bottom of the stairs. The heat of the sun is rising off the pavement and you can feel it and even see it. It’s gotta be almost a hundred today. “I’ve tried to stop worrying, Deck. I promise you I have. I just… I’m your mother. It’s not something I can turn off and I feel like this is all my fault. I know you tell me it isn’t, but I feel like it is regardless. That’s something I need to pray on.”
“So go back to church and do that,” I tell her firmly. “Guilt is a two-way street, Ma, and I feel like I’ve cost you something you hold dear.”
She stares up at me and grabs my chin, like she loved to do when we were kids and she had an important message she needed us to focus on. You knew Lucy Hawkins was serious when there was a chin-grab involved. “You are what I hold dear, Declan Charles Hawkins. You, Finn, Logan, Terra, River, Jake, Chloe, and Nova. Oh, how I love how long that list has gotten.”
She lets go of my chin with a smile. “Anyway, I don’t blame you for what’s happened with my church, because I don’t blame you for being gay. God made you that way. I know it in my heart and those people and that establishment aren’t willing to accept that I accept you. So that’s that.”
I can’t argue with her logic. I just hate that she’s had to go through this. She gave those people and that organization a big chunk of her time and money and I feel jilted for her, whether she wants me to or not. But I just nod and start around the side of the building to the door. “It’s too hot out here, let’s get inside where you can make me lunch without sweating.”
She laughs. “Sounds good.”
I hold the door open for her and she steps inside. The place is bustling but I resist the urge to help out. I need time off and I’ve earned it. Terra is behind the counter clearing plates. “Don’t even think about it. We’ve got this under control no matter what it looks like.”
“Okay,” I reply with a nod and start towards the door to the kitchen that Ma already disappeared through. Terra blocks my way and points to an empty stool at the end of the counter. “Sit there. Do us a favor. We’re slammed and don’t need another customer in that seat.”
“We’d much rather have you there because we don’t have to be polite to you,” Finn adds, and I roll my eyes. I also check to make sure there’s no line-up. I don’t care what they say, I’m not taking a spot from a paying customer. But no one is waiting and despite almost all the tables being full, most are at the tail end of their meals so there will be a lot more space opening up soon. So I sit.
Ma appears a moment later with a set of paperwork. “Haven’t had to draw up a lease for that place in forever. Not since Jake was up there as a kid and that was only so the system had proof he had a roof over his head. Tell me if this covers all the legal poop it’s supposed to.”
I laugh. “Legal poop?”
“Whatever.” Ma smiles. “How about a bacon, egg, avocado sandwich on sour dough and a sweet tea?”
“Perfection. But can you make it—"
“Turkey bacon. Of course.” Ma smiles and disappears again into the kitchen.
“I knew old Deck is still in there somewhere,” Finn remarks as he passes by with two orders for a table nearby. “Turkey-bacon-loving weirdo.”
“There is no old or new Deck. There’s just Declan,” I retort, but he’s right. I haven’t been acting like my old self. Because my old self annoys the fuck out of all of them. So why are they acting like they miss that guy?
I spend the time waiting for my lunch reviewing the contract. It’s near perfect. I change a few words and make a few notes with a pen I steal from Terra and by the time I’m ready to hand it back to her, Ma is putting my lunch in front of me. “Looks good. Made a couple of notes. I’m also going to leave some of the furniture but not all of it. My mid-century stuff will go into storage.”
“You didn’t tell me where, exactly you’ll be moving to?” Ma says as I sip my sweet tea and reach for half of the sandwich. “Won’t your new place need furniture too?”
“No. I’m moving into a furnished place,” I reply. “Abbott has offered me a room at his house. Rent-free so I can’t refuse.”
Also, I’m in love with him so I don’t want to refuse.
It would be so easy to add that last part but I don’t. But I’m confident I will someday soon and that’s enough. “Oh, that’s so great! Aspen and Andie are there too still, right?”
I nod and chew. She claps her hands. “Fabulous. Simply fabulous! I love the fact that you won’t be alone somewhere. I think company will do you good, especially the company of good friends.”
