“I… Nova… it’s not…” I swallow but my mouth is dry and I almost cough. I grab the countertop beside me, white knuckling it like she did when the thunder boomed. “I never cheated on you with anyone. That’s a fact.”
“Okay.” Nova nods, a wavy tendril of hair brushing her cheekbone. Nova is beautiful, inside and out, and there were so many years I considered myself a failure for wanting something else. She is more than enough. But the truth is, that joyful loving spirit was meant for Finn, not me. Now I don’t feel guilt over letting her go, I feel guilt over not setting her free sooner. “But you and Abbott. That’s a thing, right? Or it was at some point. I see it now that I’m not so… close to it. He was more than your best friend once, wasn’t he?”
“I’m not going to talk about this. About someone else. I can only speak to me and my sexuality and honestly, Nova, I don’t want to talk about it, in detail, with you,” I say but make sure to keep my tone soft and even so she knows I’m not angry or judging her. “I know you still have questions. And I know, even though you’ve happily moved on, you probably deserve answers to those questions.” I watch the rain hitting the plate glass window behind her and a pair of headlights turn into the parking lot. “But I can’t right now and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” She nods but disappointment definitely flickers across her pretty features. “But I want you to know that Abbott was a bigger wreck than me when you were… when you moved away. He asked about you a lot and lurked here all the time. And he helped me with capturing Louise after the fox attack. Because I think he felt he had to look out for me as a favor to you.”
“He doesn’t owe me favors,” I snap. I don’t know why I’m so irate. I feel the same way I felt when I was a teenager and terrified of someone finding out my sexuality - like a caged animal. It’s the worst feeling in the world to me. I start to move away from her, but she reaches out and grabs my hand.
“He didn’t do it because he owes you,” she tells me, her eyes soft with patience but her voice firm with certainty. “He did it for the same reason he was a drunken mess while you were gone. Because he loves you.”
Her words are like comforting, soft, and warm blanket cloaking me. But I’m still that terrified animal at heart and I shrug them off. “Nova. We’re not even best friends anymore.”
“No. I know. It’s hard to be friends with someone when all you want more than anything in the world is for them to be more.” Her words are simple and profound and amp up my fear and anxiety tenfold. Because she’s confessing she knows my longest, deepest secret.
There’s another clap of thunder that’s so loud I feel it in my chest. We both jump and the restaurant door swings open and Finn is there, soaking wet. His eyes land on Nova and then he turns to me. Something passes over his face, like concern but not quite. I feel instantly awkward again but it’s more welcome then feeling completely exposed like I was a second ago. “Glad you’re here. I know she hates driving in storms.”
“Yeah. I came as soon as I heard the first clap of thunder,” Finn replies, but his voice is tight with tension. He turns and walks to Nova, smiling. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She nods and glances at me quickly but then smiles lovingly at Finn. “But I’m glad you’re here.”
She leaves the area behind the counter and walks over to him, pulling him into a hug. Nova’s hugs are strong and comforting. He wraps his arms around her waist and buries his head in her neck and whispers something I can’t hear. I walk over to the tray of refilled salt and pepper shakers. “I’ll put these out. You two get going. And next time, Finn, wear a jacket.”
“Right.” He sort of laughs, but it sounds strained.
“Let me grab my coat and bag.” Nova heads past me in a rush, and through the swinging doors into the back.
Lightning lights up the sky outside. I walk over to the back of the restaurant and start putting salt and pepper shakers on each table. I can feel Finn’s eyes on me as I do it. “You call that guy yet? From the bar the other night?”
“Nah.” I keep my eyes focused on my task, like distributing salt and pepper shakers is more difficult than performing open heart surgery or something. “I don’t think I will either. I just don’t… want to meet someone like that.”
“How do you want to meet someone?” Finn asks, and when I dare to glance up, he looks perplexed. Like I just spoke in a foreign language or something. “I mean, who cares how you meet someone? There’s no wrong way to meet the right person.”
“That sounds like a motivational greeting card,” I remark but Finn doesn’t laugh.
“I just feel like you’ve got to try if you don’t want to be alone forever, right?”
I decide to just speak, because my therapist has reminded me more than a few times that when I swallow stuff down it just makes everything worse. “Even if I stay alone forever Finn, it doesn’t mean I want Nova back.”
“What?” His thick brown eyebrows shoot sky high. “I didn’t mean that. I just…”
“And things are going to be freaking awkward every now and then for a while,” I remind him. “Even if I marry someone new tomorrow. I’m sorry for that.”
“Don’t be sorry, Deck. You have nothing to apologize for,” Finn replies and shoves his hands through his damp hair as he sighs. “I freaked out seeing you here alone with her a little bit. I don’t know why. I know she loves me. I know it’s over with you two. I know you don’t want that to be any different. It’s just… you two looked intense.”
Nova appears again, the door swinging closed behind her. “Because we were talking about my love life. Or lack thereof. And she knows me better than anyone, so shit gets… deep. Remember how she was your best friend when she was married to me? You never crossed a line and it was nothing more, but she knew you better than anyone, right?”
Finn nods as Nova walks over and stands next to him. “Well, she knows me just as well. And so I guess our roles are kind of reversed. She’s my best friend now. And that’s all. I hope you’re okay with that.”
“Of course he is!” Nova pipes up. And Finn nods easily, without hesitation, which makes me feel a wave of relief.
“But what about Abbott?” Finn asks. “I thought he was your best friend?”
I curse under my breath. Nova has a small smile on her face which she hides as soon as I catch it. “I really wish everyone would stop telling me Abbott is my best friend.”
Another clap of thunder. Nova squeaks in shock this time. “Can we get home?”
Finn nods and gives me a final look that I can’t read. I feel awkward again. Nova smiles. “Night Declan. Thanks for calming me down.”
