“Shh!” he hisses. “You’re going to out yourself you, you idiot.”
“I want you.” I walk over and grab him again, my hands snaking around his torso and yanking him to me. God, he feels exactly like I remember, all muscle and tension. “Do you remember what I did to you here? As teens? In this office, during the staff Christmas party?”
“You don’t forget your first blow job, Abbott,” Declan’s voice is raw and reverberates right through me, sending a shiver of lust down my spine.
“I don’t remember mine,” I reply and my mouth hovers in front of his, begging for him to kiss me again. “I remember how upset you were that I was more experienced. That I’d done that with someone. I remember wishing I could take it back. I remember wishing I’d waited for you even though I had no idea if you were even gay. And I remember the first time your lips touched my cock. But I don’t remember the first guy. I don’t remember any guys but you. Still.”
His exhale is shaky and he leans into me, letting our lips graze again. His tongue wetting his lips, and then as our mouths touch, wetting mine. I try to deepen the kiss but he pulls away. Teasing is Declan’s thing. He gets off on it and I get off on watching him get off on it. I’m harder than a hockey stick right now. “What about the other guys? Since me?”
“Nameless, mostly.” I kiss him but he pulls back before it gets good and moves away from me again. I want to growl in frustration. “Years ago, when I was braver and felt like I had less to lose. Recently just me and my hand and my memories of you.”
“You say all the right things and I hate you for it,” he whispers. “So were there girls then?”
“Yeah. Tried that. Wasn’t you,” I reply. “You’re the bi one, not me.”
“I’m not. I mean… it’s complicated. But I won’t be dating or marrying another woman,” Declan tells me. “I know what I want. What will make me happy. I’ve owned it. I’m not changing my mind.”
I nod and try to take a deep breath. Why is it so hard to breathe around him? “Yeah well, I’ve always known what I’ve wanted. It’s you. And just because I haven’t been able to have it doesn’t mean I’m going to settle for less. It’s you, Declan. You’re who I want.”
There’s a hard knock on the door a second before it swings open. Luckily we’re a foot or so apart so Nova doesn’t see anything compromising. “Came for the trash. We’re getting ready to close up. Didn’t want to leave dishes in here. If you guys aren’t done with the meeting, don’t worry about it. Stay as long as you need. You’ve got your keys, right Declan?”
“Yeah, but we’re all done.” Declan walks over to stand on the other side of the desk again. He folds his arms over his chest and nods at me. The heat in his eyes has disappeared. He seems so relaxed and aloof that no one would ever guess we were just making out like horny teenagers. “I’ll let Aspen know if I have any questions and feel free to have her give me any updates or changes you might have.”
“Wanna swing by the house tomorrow for breakfast and we can talk about it a little more?” I ask. “Aspen has a folder of notes and junk I’m sure she’d love to share with you.”
“Busy. Gotta run. Training for the Portland half-marathon.” Declan shuffles papers on the desk, although it doesn’t even look like he’s actually looking for something specific. “Tomorrow I have to get seven miles in and I have an appointment before work.”
“Oh. Okay. We’ll meet up another time.”
“I’m going to finish sweeping the front,” Nova takes the tray with the trash on it and heads out the door. I follow behind her this time.
“Have Aspen call me,” Declan says calmly.
I don’t answer I just walk out, nodding and smiling at Mary and Nova as I go. Outside, the breeze has picked up off the ocean and it’s warm but humid. I stare at the fading sunset, which is all purple and pink. I think a storm is coming. I walk around the building and climb into my car just as a low rumble of thunder begins. Past the dock, in the sky over the vast swirling darkness of the ocean, a single lightning bolt flickers.
I slam the car door shut but can’t seem to bring myself to start the engine. I just sit there, staring out at the ocean, watching the storm get closer and closer. And as the thunder gets louder and the lightening gets brighter so does my resolve. I’ve let him push me away our entire lives. Tonight, I’m standing my ground.
10
DECLAN
He still gets to me.It’s unbelievable how good that felt. Touching him again. Tasting him again. I have dreamt about it much more than I ever should have in the years since our last kiss. And that kiss was angry and rough and filled with so much pain I try not to think about it. Ever. But the other kisses… the ones stolen in the office we were just in or in his bedroom when his parents thought we were studying, or embarrassingly in the confession booth at church. All of those kisses lived rent-free in my head for ten plus years, even when they shouldn’t have because I was married.
As I make my way out of the office through the kitchen to the break room to make sure the back door is locked, a clap of thunder rattles the building. I flip off the lights in the break room but it’s illuminated even brighter by lightning for a long second. I head straight to the front. Nova is there alone, finishing the clean-up, and she hates storms. They scare the shit out of her. I swing open the door and step into the restaurant to find her in the corner by the cash register, her fingers white as they grip the countertop. “All good?”
She nods stiffly and the smile on her face is as timid as they get. I walk over but hesitate. It’s not my job to comfort her anymore. I mean, if she was just the girlfriend of my little brother, I’d hug her, but she’s my ex-wife. And I feel like the lines would be blurred or confused. I don’t fucking know what’s right anymore. There’s another clap of thunder that sounds like it’s right over our heads. She jumps. Ah fuck it.
I walk over and hug her. She’s shaking. “I don’t know why I hate this so much. Logically, I know it’s stupid.”
“Logically it’s not stupid,” I remind her, giving her a friendly and hopefully comforting squeeze as I rub her back. “A storm ripped the roof off this place once when my grandparents owned it. And there was the tail end of a hurricane when I was a kid that swallowed our fishing boat, sunk it, and destroyed the dock. Swept three people out to sea too who were dumb enough to go down to the beach to watch the waves.”
“You’re not helping with my panic,” she tells me flatly, and I kiss the top of her head and try not to laugh.
“Just saying. You’re not stupid,” I reply. “Self-preservation is a good thing.”
“Is that what you’re doing by ignoring Abbott and treating him like he doesn’t exist?” Nova asks, her voice low and soft. “Self-preservation?”
My arms turn to lead and I stop rubbing her back. She pulls her head off my shoulder and looks up at me. Her eyes are warm and her expression gentle. I’ve seen her look at our nephew River the same way when he accidentally tipped over his milkshake on the countertop. I find the ability to move again and step away from her. Lightning illuminates the darkened parking lot. There are still some cars out there — more than just mine and Nova’s — but no one is in the restaurant. That should concern me but I’m too busy freaking out by what my ex-wife just said. She blinks and those big brown eyes that I woke up to every morning year after year stare at me with a certainty that terrifies me. “It’s him, right? The man you’re in love with?”
