“Some idiots deserve to be told to fuck off, Declan,” Sean replies and jots something in his notebook before leaning back in his chair. It’s almost the same brown leather as the notebook, only a little darker and more worn. He folds his hands in front of him. Sean is younger than me, but older than my sister who he apparently went to school with. She’s the one who referred me to him. My stupid ego tells me that I shouldn’t be looking to someone so young to guide me through my shit show of a life but he’s trained and Terra respects him, so I have to put my ego aside and try. “This Stan and his son. Your personal life isn’t their business and it’s okay to tell them.”
“Have you lived in Ocean Pines long, Sean?” I ask but I already know the answer based on what he just said. He’s a newbie. “Because the town is thirteen streets wide and twenty-one streets deep. We’re actually a village within a larger city and everyone in this little village knows everything about everyone else. And if they don’t know, there’s an online gossip blog masquerading as a newspaper that will tell you everything you don’t have the right to know about.”
Sean nods and a wry expression creases his face. “Yeah. I’ve seen that thing. A Nellie Green stopped by with a gift basket when I moved in and gave me a card with the web address on it.”
“Well, if you want to save some time, don’t ask me questions about my life, just go on there and read it for yourself,” I snark, and I know this is the exact attitude I shouldn’t be giving. I asked him for help so I can’t be a bitch. I mean I can, but I shouldn’t. And I hate myself for it, especially when he frowns.
“So gossip is a trigger for you?”
“People’s judgement,” I reply and the words kind of startle me. I didn’t know I was going to say them. “I hid my sexuality for a really long time. I worried constantly about how I appeared, physically and of course emotionally.”
“So you were introverted. Held back emotions. Detached yourself from loved ones emotionally,” Sean prompts, and I nod slowly.
“And I resented everyone else for it, even though I’m the one who chose to do it.”
“You didn’t make a choice, Declan. You were just trying to cope,” Sean replies. “And it’s a hard habit to break. Even after people have revealed secrets, they still have the urge to hide.”
“The thing is,” I lean back and rub my hands nervously over my jeans, “hiding from people hurt them. I literally moved to another state and it hurt my ex and my ma and I guess my whole family more than if I’d stayed. But when I’m here and I try to get involved in my family’s life, I don’t do the right thing. I make things worse. I don’t know who they want me to be but I’m always the other guy. In every situation.”
He nods, like what I just said wasn’t a complete steaming pile of crazy. I know that’s not an appropriate term but it’s how I feel when I speak honestly. Like I’m off. Not normal. And that feeling is excruciating. “This feeling of always getting it wrong, and the fear of being judged, those were factors in trying to kill yourself?”
I told him about that incident when I was seventeen. I mean, he’s a therapist, he’s supposed to hear this stuff, right? “A big one. I was hurting too many people by just existing, and I felt like I was doing that again, which is why I moved to New York.”
“And you’re back because… you realized it hurt everyone that you left?”
I nod but then shake my head. “Not entirely. I was hurting too, being away from my family. I came back for me. And to try and fix me… this. How I am. I want to be nicer. More…”
Lovable.
I can’t bring myself to say the word even though I think I have to. I just can’t. Not today. So I close my mouth and leave the sentence unfinished. He waits, lifts another eyebrow, but just nods. “Terra mentioned you once at school.”
“Uh-oh.”
Sean laughs. “I can assure you, she has never once said anything derogatory about anyone in her family. In fact, she made a lot of us kind of jealous. You guys seem like a close group. And a lot of fun.”
I smirk. “We can be.”
“She said you dressed like you were on the cover of Fortune magazine every day,” Sean tells me, and I frown so he quickly continues. “It was a compliment. We were between classes and a friend was asking where he could buy a nice suit for a wedding and Terra said she would ask you.”
“Okay…”
His hazel eyes sweep over me from my running shoes to my ripped jeans that don’t fit very well to my plain heather gray t-shirt that I ironed before I threw it on because some habits are impossible to break. I glance at my clothing as well and then try and shove my hair out of my eyes again. “Is this wardrobe change you trying to blend in? Be what other people want?”
“I just… I don’t handle the marketing and business stuff at the restaurant anymore,” I explain. “Since I came back, I’m focusing on the fishing part. It’s a lobster restaurant, best lobster rolls in the state and I’m not even being biased. Anyway, I was annoying the shit out of everyone, so I stepped back. My family, especially my parents, were perfectly happy with the profits from simple word-of-mouth promotion. And my other brother, Logan, has this amazing girlfriend who does some graphic work for us and she’s handling the website and the one or two online ads we still do. I don’t need a suit to haul lobster traps out of the Atlantic or wait tables.”
“Are you enjoying that?”
I think about how much I sometimes want to puke when Dad and I are out on the boat in rough weather. “It’s work. I don’t have to enjoy it.”
“Declan, what you’re showing me is you realize that when you love someone, you want them to be happy,” Sean tells me, and I nod. “So, you must think no one loves you.”
“What? I didn’t say that. Where’d you get that?”
“Because wouldn’t the people that love you want you to be happy?” Sean questions and cocks his head in a way that makes him look like a really astute Golden Retriever. “Enjoy life. Even your job. Especially when that job is all you seem to do lately.”
The bell above the outer office door jingles and Sean almost jumps in shock. He glances at the watch on his wrist and then double checks the time with the small clock on the bookshelf behind his desk. “Sorry Declan, the next person must be early.”
I jump from my seat like it suddenly got too hot. “It’s fine. We had, like, five minutes left anyway. I’m good. I’ll just go.”
