“You don’t have to.”
“But I want to.”
He smiles that tranquil smile again. “I gave you a doozy to think about, didn’t I?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay then, we’ll tack five onto your next session. See you next week.”
I nod and he motions to the door at the back of the small room. “You can leave that way if you’re worried about privacy. It opens into the backyard.”
“Thanks. Yeah, I don’t need more people talking about me.” I smile but it’s mirthless and make my way to the back door. “Bye.”
I’m out before he can even respond.
Well, that session was a bit of a doozy. And my brain is spinning, trying to think of things I can say to him that combat his statement. Because it’s wrong. I’m not… I mean, I know my parents love me. And my siblings. They have to, that’s how family works. I mean, hell, there are serial killers who still have family visit them in jail, right? So, he’s wrong. I’m not doing this because I want them to love me, it’s so that loving me is less work for them.
As I make my way through his garden toward the front of the house and my car, which is parked on the side of the tree-lined street, my cellphone vibrates in my back pocket. I pull it out and my jaw flexes. I have to answer it because if I don’t, they’ll just keep calling. “Hello.”
“Declan Hawkins?”
“Yeah. And no, my situation hasn’t changed and I can’t up my payments,” I tell the woman on the phone before she even asks.
“I understand. That’s unfortunate,” she says like she really doesn’t care because she doesn’t. I don’t owe her nine thousand dollars. I owe it to Mountview Medical Center. And she might not even know why. And I’m not about to tell her I had to admit myself after I left my wife and family because I was having really harmful thoughts. Again. “Well, if—"
“If my situation changes and I stop living above my parents’ restaurant for free while working twelve hours a day so I can give you more than the eight hundred a month I already pay you, I’ll let you know,” I reply, cutting her off. “Have a great day!”
I hang up before she gets to the part where she reminds me I’m accumulating interest. Jesus, keeping yourself alive isn’t cheap in America. I contemplate blocking the number, but it’s not always the same one that calls to remind me I owe money, so what’s the point?
“Deck?”
I snap my head up from my phone and see Logan’s head hanging out the window of his Pathfinder. He looks perplexed and that big bear of a dog he’s got is jumping around in the backseat all excited. “Hi. Hey.”
I walk over, making sure not to stomp on any of the plants or flowers Sean has all around the front yard. “What are you doing here?”
“I had a thing,” I say vaguely. “What are you doing?”
“Taking Chewie to the beach before my shift. And the nuggets.” He glances over to his passenger seat and I look over and see his girlfriend Chloe’s two chihuahuas. “Want to come?”
I shake my head before he’s even finished asking. His face falls. “I’m not an animal person. No offense Chewie, Steven, and…”
“Stevie and Boss,” Logan corrects. “They pretty much entertain themselves. We could grab a Dunkin and hang out while they chase their tails, each other, and the waves.”
I should say yes. I want to say yes. I want to be that big brother he and his twin Finn have probably always wanted. The guy who is fun and easy going and chill. A guy they get along with as easily as they do their best friend Jake, who happens to be engaged to our sister. But my brain starts spinning, hurling doubt at me like grenades.
You have nothing to talk to him about.
You’ll say something that annoys him.
He’s only asking to be polite.
You almost fucked up his whole life. He hasn’t really forgiven you nor should he.
You don’t even like Dunkin’s coffee.
“I would but I have something to get to.” I try and smile. It feels stiff. “Next time?”
“Sure. Yeah. Whenever,” Logan says casually. Then his blue eyes widen. “Hey! Did you hear about Abbott?”
