“I shouldn’t have attacked you last night,” I finally say. “Verbally or physically.”
He looks truly shocked that I would apologize, but he recovers quickly and nods. “Don’t worry about it.”
We both sip our drinks. “Tell Jessie I apologize.”
He nods again. “Are you divorcing Ashleigh?”
“I think I have to, even though I think it will hurt Conner.”
“Do you still love her?”
“No.”
He nods. “Whatever you decide, I’ve got your back.”
I catch his eye. “What would you do?”
He sips his coffee and swallows, his big blue eyes catching mine. “What would I do if it was Jessie?”
I nod and we stare at each other. I can see the turmoil in his face. He opens his mouth but then closes it swiftly and bites his bottom lip. My shoulders sag.
“Jessie would never do that to you.” I say the words he’s scared to for fear his faith in his fiancée and their relationship would anger me again like it did last night.
“She never would,” he whispers almost guiltily. “But that doesn’t mean we’re perfect. You know we’re not, Devin.”
“Yeah. I know.” I nod slowly. “You found a girl that gets you and loves you no matter what. I shouldn’t begrudge you that. It’s good that you’ve got Jessie. I know she’s not like Ashleigh. It’s fine.”
One of their trainers walks into the lobby, makes eye contact with Jordan and waves him over. “We’re heading out, Garrison!”
We walk out the lobby doors into the cool morning air. The bus is waiting at the curb.
“It’s not fine,” Jordan argues delicately and stops to face me under the awning of the entrance to the hotel. “You deserve someone like Jessie, someone trustworthy and unconditionally in love with you.”
I say nothing. He hugs me quickly. “Love you, bro.”
“You too, Jordy.” He’s about to get on the bus when I call out his name again. “Hey!” He turns and looks at me. “My face-off percentage this season is seventy-two percent. Beat that, Mr. Perfect.”
Jordan laughs and flips me the bird before disappearing onto the bus. It feels good that things with him are back to normal, but now I have to make things okay with Callie. That seems like a much harder thing to do.
What happened in the middle of our argument was completely unexpected. When she threw me in that shower, I wanted to rip her head off. I grabbed her and pulled her into the water to punish her—make her as wet and furious as I was. But my anger evaporated when I saw her body through her wet clothes. And when I felt her wet skin against mine. My need to lose myself in those random girls from the bars was nothing compared to the crushing need I suddenly had last night to lose myself in Callie. And she felt so much better—made me feel so much better—than the other girl had.
As I drive to practice, I try to think what caused that. Was it because she was familiar? I’d been with her before—sort of. She is a friend. Touching her and being with her offered just the slightest bit of emotional grounding, which I clearly had been lacking since Ashleigh left. Was it because I have always wanted to finish what we had started in that barn? Because I always have. There is no denying it. That almost-sex with Callie had been a total fantasy and Jordan walking in on us was like being abruptly woken up from a glorious dream. You always want to slip back into sleep and try to catch it again.
What was even more confusing than the feelings and the need that bubbled up so intensely from me last night was the matching response from her. When I kissed her, she didn’t put up one ounce of a fight. In fact, she matched my lust move for move and kiss for kiss.
Where the hell was that coming from?! Was she just so full of sexual frustration over not being able to screw Seb that she was taking it out on the only available male body? Or was it that I was just such a raging, seething mess that she wanted to do whatever it took to calm me?
Callie had once said she made sure she didn’t hook up with boys she could really like. I guess I was officially a boy she could never like. Not only had she clearly decided last night that she didn’t like me and therefore could give me a blow job (a mind-blowing, perfect blow job) but she’d also made it clear that she thought too little of me to give me the rest of her body. That had been one hell of a reality check. I had sat there on the shower floor until my skin pruned reeling with the shame, embarrassment and shock of that realization.
As I pull into the parking lot of the arena, I come to one steadfast conclusion. Whatever the reason either of us did it, it doesn’t matter. What matters is figuring out how to deal with what we did. And in the end, I am thankful it had happened—I somehow feel more like myself than I have in weeks.
Chapter 23
Callie
The next morning I hear him leave really early. I don’t know where he could possibly be going because it’s too early for a hockey practice but I’m incredibly grateful I don’t have to face him just yet. He’s leaving on a road trip to play Canadian teams late this afternoon. With any luck I can avoid him completely and not have to deal with this until he gets back six days from now.
I lie in bed and feel a blush creep over my face. I still can’t believe what happened last night. Holy fuck. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell washethinking?
