THIS DOESN’T FEEL REAL
FRANKIE
Jennie is jumping up and down as soon as our feet hit the Parisian sidewalk. When I don’t join her she gets confused. “It’s done. Your shoe line will be on shelves in two short months! How are you not as excited as I am? You’ve been talking about doing this for years and it’s finally happening!”
“I am happy. I swear.” I smile. It feels uncomfortable because I haven’t done it in a while.
Jennie and I start down the street, in no particular direction. Nick falls in step behind us. I’ve only been in Paris forty-eight hours. I left straight from the hospital with Lucia, who they discharged after the race. She is now at a new hospital and rehab facility in Paris where they say she’ll be for at least a month while they work on healing the burns on her hand. Dad and Adelaide are settling into the George V hotel for the break so they can be close to Lucia. I opted to stay with Jennie in her Paris apartment so we can get more work done. Rocco is in Rome with his dad for the short break, according to his Instagram photos. Antonio is there too, according to his wife’s TikTok videos and Billy… I have no idea where Billy is. I broke down last night and sent him a text asking to talk. He saw it but didn’t respond, which is the worst response I could have asked for, really.
“Okay, let’s grab take away and head back to my place where I intend to ply you with wine until you tell me the reason you’re such a sad panda,” Jennie announces.
Panda. My heart aches.
“Frankie, seriously. What is going on?” Jennie stops me and pulls me to the edge of the sidewalk away from the rest of the people bustling by. I take a deep breath and tell her everything.
I blindside her, I know. I haven’t mentioned any feelings for Billy James since that night he met us both. But she takes the news like a champ. “Shit. So you had time for an affair with your driver but not your promotion deals I lined up? Thanks a lot, Frankie.”
I know she’s kidding so I smile, but again it feels off. Jennie hugs me. “Why did he go from being your rock to being a dick the next morning? What triggered him?”
“I have my guesses but I really wish he would be man enough to tell me himself,” I sigh. The sun is getting lower. It’s a warm breezy day and I realize the last thing I want to do is hunker down in Jennie’s apartment and talk about this more. “I’m going to go for a walk. I need to clear my head. Nick, you can go. I’ll be fine, I promise.”
“I need you to text me later so I know you made it back to Jennie’s,” he says and I nod. He turns and walks away, and I bet he’s heading to see my sister.
“Okay.” She hugs me again. “Come home anytime. I’ll be there. And remember tomorrow we have more meetings and some photoshoot stuff to do.”
I nod and wave and start walking. I know exactly where I want to go and when I get there, I’m not disappointed. I reach the steps to Sacre Coeur just as the sun starts to paint the sky in color. I doubt this is where Billy watches his Montmartre sunsets. The steps are a tourist trap. There’s already probably over fifty people scattered across them, but I don’t care. I just want to be here, seeing what he loves. Because I love him.
I find a spot midway up the steps and sit. It takes some time but eventually the sky is a brilliant orange color, streaked with pink, the Eiffel Tower glinting off in the distance. I glance around and am not surprised to see just about everyone capturing the moment with their cells. Everyone but me… and a man at the other side of the steps, one down from me. He’s not even looking at the sunset. He’s looking at me. Because he’s Billy James.
I’m frozen in shock but he isn’t and as I stare at him, he gets up and walks over. “Hi.”
“Hi?”
He quirks his lip. “That sounds like a question.”
“Because this doesn’t feel real.”
I stand up. I’m a step higher so we’re basically, finally, eye-to-eye. “I told you I love sunsets in this district.”
“Yeah, you also told me you’d do anything for me,” I blurt out softly. “It’s the words you said the last time we had sex so it’s probably not fair to hurl them at you now. Or to take them seriously but stupid me, I did. I thought…”
“That I meant them?” Billy finished for me. “Of course I did, Frankie.”
Why doesn’t that make my heart stop hurting? Why do I still feel like he’s rejecting me? Billy looks over his shoulder at the sky and back at me. His expression is pained. “You’re more beautiful than that you know?”
“Than the sunset?” I ask incredulously.
“Yeah, love. To me you are.” I want to kiss him but I know with everything in me, he won’t let it happen. “And we weren’t having sex that night. We were making love. You asked for it and I had it to give. For you.”
“This isn’t a reconciliation is it?” I croak.
“No,” he admits and his blue eyes water but he blinks it away. “Frankie, I’m never going to date someone while I’m driving. It’s just not going to happen. How do we even function like that? It would be bad enough if you were just some woman, but you’re a Team Principal. Mine. You think we can separate our feelings from our track life?”
“I’ve done fine so far. I haven’t given you preferential treatment.”
“And I haven’t had a severe crash but what if I do?” My breath disappears at the thought. Billy nods like I’ve said something he agrees with. “Exactly. You’d be shattered. I can’t put you in that position. I can’t have that in my head when I’m out there.”
“So don’t think about it,” I counter. I’m fighting for this. I’m fighting to make my life and his more complicated, because the fact is the alternative feels worse. “You don’t think of your dad every day or you wouldn’t race.”
