Terra pulls a piece of paper from the back pocket of her jeans and hands it to me.
“Here’s the address and time of the hearing,” Terra says and hands it to me. I take it from her, surprised to see my fingers are trembling. She places her hand over mine to quell the shaking and gives me a squeeze. “I know this does nothing to help the conflicting feelings you have. And if you can’t bring yourself to come, no one will understand that better than Logan. Hell, he won’t even ask you because he didn’t want to make things even harder for you. But I’m asking because I think you know that no matter what he’s done in the past, he loves that little boy and has been and will continue to be the best dad he can. Whatever you decide you can and can’t live with, I completely respect. But I don’t want Logan to have to live without River. So I had to ask.”
She gives me another, short, bone-crushing hug and then disappears back into her truck. I stand there motionless, and when she pulls away, she glances up at the window and calls out. “Hey Barlowe! I need you to investigate something. I’ll text you deets.”
Aspen nods from the window. Terra climbs back in her truck, and I stand there and watch her drive off. Then I hear my front door open and Mitch call out, “Get in here Chloe!”
I slowly make my way back upstairs and tell them everything. They both think I should definitely be at that hearing, but I didn’t need their opinion on this. I know it’s the absolute right thing to do. I will go to that hearing. My heart and my conscience may be at war about what I can live with, but both parts of me couldn’t live with knowing I could have said something to help Logan keep his son in his life and I didn’t.
30
Logan
I’m pacinglike a caged lion, but I don’t have a choice. My legs, hell my body, won’t stop moving. I am freaking out inside. I can’t even bear to think about losing River. I mean, Bethany fully admitted she doesn’t want to take him away from me completely. She just wants to roll back the visitation thanks to the lies she says I’ve been keeping. She’s not wrong, but she’s not right either. I really hope I can make a clear and concise case and that my family’s input will help. The lawyer I hired—okay technically it’s a lawyer in training who works for free at the legal aid office in Portland—said that family isn’t really the best for swaying a judge because they’re biased. But they’re all I have.
“Mr. Hawkins, try sitting down,” the lawyer-in-training, Stephanie D’Angelo, says calmly and pats the chair next to her.
Terra leans forward from her seat behind my lawyer. “Pacing can make you look nervous. Nerves can make you appear guilty or untrustworthy.”
The room is tiny and is already beginning to feel claustrophobic with my sister, brothers, parents, Nova, Cookie, and Jake in here. Bethany walks in with her parents and her fancy, real, fully graduated lawyer. Her parents are just how I remember them. Tall, pale, thin, and bitter. Seriously, you’d think that they brush their teeth with lemon juice every day with that permanent pinched scowl on their faces all the time.
“I fucking hate them. They always treated you like shit,” Finn whispers under his breath as he stands next to where I’ve finally rooted myself next to the table my lawyer is seated at.
“I was a drunk who knocked up their daughter and then didn’t marry her,” I whisper back to him. “They believe in loveless marriages, so they don’t get it.”
Finn doesn’t respond, but he’s staring at me so intensely I can’t help but stare back at him. He shakes his head slowly. “I love you Logan, but at some point, hopefully really soon, you have to stop cutting slack for the people who don’t cut you a damn inch of it.”
“He’s right, bro,” Declan says from where he’s sitting sandwiched in a row of hard wooden chairs between Terra and Nova. “But let’s just focus on River right now.”
I nod because I’m not having this argument with them again. Especially not moments before the hearing. Manuel walks in and stands between our two tables. He shakes Bethany’s hand and then mine. “The judge is on his way.”
He sits in the first row behind Bethany’s side, and I force myself to understand that he’s not picking sides, it’s just she brought no character witnesses, and my side is filled with family. The room is small with only two rows of four seats behind each table. Still, it feels like he’s picking sides. Suddenly, a side door behind the judge’s desk opens and he walks in. It’s not as formal as it is on television dramas. The judge is wearing a robe, but he sits at a desk. It’s large with a leather top, but it’s not a bench. It kind of feels like all the times Finn and I were hauled into the principal’s office. And I hate it as much now as I did then.
The judge nods a wordless hello at the room and sits. I finally find my place at the table next to my almost-lawyer. “Okay then…” the judge mumbles with a tone so level it almost sounds disinterested. “Logan Hawkins and Bethany Bard regarding the custody of River Charlie Hawkins?”
We both nod as his brown eyes dart from me to Bethany, and I adjust my tie and try not to twitch. This room smells heavy of wood and floor cleaner, and it’s making me want to sneeze. He looks back down at the file in front of him and starts by asking questions about our history and previous arrangements. Then he calls on Manuel about why he wanted this hearing specifically, and what he says surprises me and plants the tiniest seed of hope in my heart. “Well, your honor, Ms. Bard has continually challenged my rulings, and to be honest, although some of her concerns are not without some merit and I agree we need to discuss arrangements again due to some changes in Mr. Hawkins’ living arrangement and his previous life experiences, I want whatever is decided today to be done at a level that Ms. Bard cannot repeatedly dispute,” Manuel says. “This case should be taking up far less time than it does, your honor.”
The judge’s bushy gray eyebrows shoot up. “I see.”
I steal a glance at Bethany, who looks absolutely livid. Her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are wide, and if this was a cartoon, fire would be dancing in her irises. I notice Finn out of the corner of my eye and the almost comical expression he’s wearing—eyes bulging and mouth in a tiny O. I want to put a bag over his head so he doesn’t distract anyone. The judge clears his throat and begins to ask questions about our current custody arrangement and why I left River with Chloe. My explanation seems to appease him. He asks about why I’m moving when I’ve only lived in my apartment for less than four months. This one is not going to make me look so good. “Because I was romantically involved with the landlord, and it didn’t seem like a good idea anymore.”
“What? To live under her roof or to be involved?”
“Well, in a way both,” I admit. “I just thought we both needed distance.”
“Hmm…” the judge mutters and scribbles a note before pausing to read more of the dossier in front of him. “I’ve read the very detailed account of the newer, more disconcerting information Ms. Bard and her family believe makes you an unsafe parent to River. You were in a vehicle that killed a man. You lied about that to Ms. Bard for several years.”
“Your honor, lie is not the term we would use. Mr. Hawkins did not explain the full details of what propelled him to go to rehab five years ago to Ms. Bard,” Stephanie says, sounding very much like a full-fledged lawyer, thankfully. “Mr. Hawkins was not charged in any crime, and his relationship with Bethany ended shortly after rehab, so he didn’t think he was under any obligation—”
“To be honest with the mother of his child?” the judge finishes for Stephanie, and his bushy eyebrows fly up again.
Fuck.
“Your honor, he has stayed sober without incident of any kind from that moment forward,” Stephanie explains calmly. “Mr. Hawkins just wanted to be a part of his son’s life, and the Hawkins family knew that if Ms. Bard and her family knew of this, she would use it to keep Logan from his child, which she is currently doing.”
“Yes, I can deduce that, but this may be a case of the ends not justifying the means, counsellor,” the Judge sighs. “I’m told you brought some witnesses to speak to your character since that incident.”
“Yes. My family and some friends,” I pause.
