Finn kisses her cheek and then Terra does before the three of us make our way through the house to the front door. Mom and Dad watch us throw on our winter gear and walk out into the night. They both still look stricken, but they’ll be okay. I, on the other hand, am in for even more hurt. I have to tell Chloe, and just the thought is tearing me to pieces inside.
“You scared the shit out of me back there in the restaurant. I thought you were dying,” Finn says as we stand in the driveway. “I had to call Terra. I couldn’t just leave you like that.”
“He was having a panic attack,” Terra tells him. “You did the right thing.”
“Did Chloe get home okay?” I ask. “Is she freaking out about the way I acted?”
“Yeah, she’s worried and hurt,” Finn replies and a pained look flashes over his features. “What are you going to do?”
“And what can we do to help you?” Terra asks, her voice slightly muffled by the wool scarf she has wrapped around her neck and half her face.
“I’m going to tell her. I’m done with the secrets. I know it was everyone’s best intention, but hiding the fact that I was in that car didn’t protect me,” I sigh.
“I wish I could change this,” Finn says, his voice despondent. “I fucking hate this.”
“I do too,” I reply. “If you guys want to help, let me crash with one of you. I will need somewhere to live.”
“She might surprise you,” Terra says.
I just give her a quick nod because I don’t even dare hope that either Chloe or I can get through our emotions on this and come out the other side with our relationship intact. It feels impossible right now. I’m officially frozen standing out here, which is actually a relief. I wish the cold winter air could numb my emotions as well as it numbs my skin. I walk over to my car. “Finn, can you take Terra home? I need to be alone and think this out.”
They both nod and stand there watching me as I get in my car and drive away. I drive aimlessly for hours. Where would I have been if I’d just not had that first beer at fifteen? If I hadn’t used booze as an answer to every problem. Life is such a bitch. If I hadn’t been an alcoholic, I wouldn’t have been in that car with Bryan. Maybe he wouldn’t have gone to Wells that day without me, and Chloe would still be married. I would be a doctor by now. I wouldn’t need to rent a suite in someone else’s house. But, alternatively, I might never have talked to Bethany, which means I wouldn’t have River. And I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Chloe.
Finally, at almost three in the morning, I drive back to the house. Chewie must be busting for a pee, and I feel horrible for leaving him so long. But I had to make sure Chloe wasn’t waiting up for me. I couldn’t face her tonight. I needed time.
I always thought that the universe hadn’t made me pay enough for my choices in life. Everyone tried to tell me that was enough. That I was forgiven by the universe and I needed to forgive myself. But in the end…I was right. Because if I lose Chloe over this, it will be the universe collecting my debts in full.
26
Chloe
“Hey Chloe?”I hear Aspen’s voice. “Wake up, honey.”
There’s a strong hand on my shoulder suddenly and it gives me a little shake. My eyes flicker open and I see Aspen’s brother Abbott’s handsome face swim into view. “Are we home?”
“Yep. I can’t believe you slept the whole way,” Abbott says. “You didn’t do a single run either the whole time and barely left your room at the ski cabin. Are you sure you’re not sick?”
“Just heart sick,” Mitch tells his old college friend. I don’t argue. I just reach for the door handle to get out of the car.
Aspen and Abbott decided, last minute, to join Mitch and me for our Christmas ski trip. I think Aspen was worried about me. I called her after the horrible ending to my last date with Logan. And then again the next day when he never came home, or called, and then again the day after that when he was still missing. She, being the private eye that she was, investigated and finally, four days after the date that ended with Finn driving me home, Aspen came over and sat me down in the living room. “It’s not you, it’s him.”
“He’s ghosting me?” I asked and my heart felt like someone had dipped it in liquid nitrogen. “He’s ghosting me and his apartment?”
“Terra said he’ll still pay his rent. He’s not exactly ghosting you,” Aspen had explained with a frown on her face. “Terra said he’s going through something heavy and needed his space but that he would talk to you. When he was ready. And that he was sorry.”
“I don’t understand,” I had whispered. I was confused and really, truly concerned at first. Was it something I said? Something I did? Had he fallen off the wagon and I didn’t realize and he was trying to get sober? But then as the days kept coming and he was still nowhere to be found, I started to get angry and hurt.
I think Aspen convinced her brother Abbott to do Christmas in Vermont with us to make sure I was okay. It was nice to have them there. Aspen didn’t ski either and tried to keep my mind off him. It sort of worked until I woke up Christmas day to a text message from him.
Merry Christmas. I’m sorry. I’ll explain everything when you’re back. I’m so sorry.
I didn’t respond because I didn’t know whether to yell or cry but I made the decision if I didn’t hear from him in the next twenty-four hours, I would park my rundown car at the Fire Station and ambush him when he showed up for a shift. If this was over, I was going to make him tell me to my face.
I move to get out of the car, juggling the dog carrier with Boss and Stevie in it. They both give one final growl to Major who is in the back of Mitch’s SUV. The Shepherd yawns, unperturbed. Mitch gets out of the car with me and walks to the back to grab my bag for me. I take it and hug him and wave to Aspen and Abbott. Aspen rolls down her window. “Call me anytime.”
I nod and walk to my house and as Mitch and my friends drive away, I stand at the bottom of the stairs, staring at them. They’ve been shoveled – recently. I look around. I don’t see his car. Leaving my suitcase at the bottom of the stairs, I walk around to his side of the house, but am blocked. The path to his door hasn’t been shoveled and the snow is more than ankle deep. “What the fuck is happening?”
Of course, no one answers my desperate whisper. I head into my house. Like a robot, I go through the motions – turn the heat on, light a fire in the fireplace, unpack, throw some laundry in, check to see if there’s anything worth eating for dinner even though I’m not hungry.
