25
Logan
“We didn’t wantto make things worse.”
I stare at my dad with so many horrible emotions pulsing through my body I don’t even know where to begin. He suddenly looks older than he ever has, standing there in his Celtics t-shirt and gray plaid pajama bottoms. Every wrinkle and crease on his weathered face is amplified by the grimace he wears. His hair is askew. His eyes pained. My mother sits at the kitchen table a foot away, robe pulled tightly around her, wringing her hands on the oak table. “It didn’t make sense to tell you there had been another person in the car Bryan hit. Declan said you would feel so guilty you’d try to find out who she was and apologize, but she didn’t know about you. No one did but the police and his brother. And we thought it was best to keep it that way.”
“Declan,” I repeat his name, and now, sadly, it makes sense. “This was his fucking idea?”
“Logan, we were all not thinking straight. Your ma was so distraught. I was livid and goddamn broken seeing you in that hospital bed. And then you woke up so confused. You had no idea you’d even been in a car wreck. When you found out what happened, they wanted to put you on suicide watch you were so distraught.” Dad’s voice is rough and thick with pain. “I just wanted to get your ass into rehab. It’s all I could think. I had to help you. Declan dealt with the police and the family. I tried to keep you and your mom from falling apart, and Terra and Finn worked on finding the best possible addiction center for you.”
“We were trying to do the right thing,” Ma says and blinks back tears she refuses to shed. “Declan was trying to do the right thing.”
“It doesn’t feel that way,” I reply sternly, and she sighs.
“Well, I still stand by our decision,” Ma says, and her hand goes to the tiny silver cross on her neck. “I prayed on this. I still pray on this. I still feel in my heart we did the best for you in that situation. And we thought we were helping that man’s family. Helping that woman. If you had known there was a survivor in the car, what would you have done?”
“I don’t know,” I reply and my panic attack is now rage. I’m furious that my family held this from me. “I will never know. I wasn’t given the chance to figure out what I would have done. But I’ll tell you what I wouldn’t have done. Fall in love with a woman I was involved in almost killing.”
My dad’s fists slam into the thick wood countertop he’s leaning against, and Terra and my mom jump. “Logan Hart Hawkins, for the last fucking time, you did not kill that man, and you did not injure Chloe.”
“Dad I know you hate to hear it, and I hate to say it, but I had driven drunk a hundred times before,” I reply, my eyes watering to the point that my vision blurs. “If Bryan had woken me up instead of driving off, maybe I would have been the one behind the wheel. And I can’t say without a doubt that if I was conscious I would have stopped him from driving.”
“If. Maybe. Probably,” Dad snaps. “You are intent on beating yourself up.”
“You have a disease,” Terra says firmly, voice even and calm, and I know she’s using everything she’s learned in school right now. “Alcoholism is a disease that changes thought patterns and the ability to make judgements and creates self-destructive behavior.”
“Spoken like a therapist,” I argue. “But I get how hard it is to accept how a disease can make someone do insanely negligent things. Even as an alcoholic, I can’t just blame the disease for my shitty life choices and the consequences. I put myself in a position to be a part of this horrendous, life-altering moment, and now I’m going to lose the only girl who has made me feel alive because of it.”
Dad wraps an arm around my mom’s shoulders just long enough to give her a squeeze and then takes me by mine and looks me dead in the eye. “I gave this Turner family all the money I could afford to help them through this. I knew Bryan’s family had nothing to give, and I didn’t want them to suffer a massive financial loss on top of an emotional one. It’s all I could do. I had to focus on you. I will never regret making you my priority, and if I could have done more for that family, I would have. But I couldn’t. I’m sorry.”
“Dad, I don’t blame you,” I say and hug him. “If it was River, I would do what you did. I just…I can’t believe this is happening now.”
“Are you going to tell her?” Ma asks as my dad and I pull apart.
“Yes.” The thought makes me stomach lurch. But I also know I don’t have a choice. “Keeping secrets is what got us into this situation. I’ve never owned the truth about that night, which I need to do. Confess it out loud. She bared her soul to me tonight, and I have to bare mine back.”
“She has to know about this. We had lawyers involved and everything,” Dad says.
“Honestly Dad, something is off with that deal you guys made. I’d bet my life Chloe doesn’t even know about it.”
“But the money was supposed to help with her medical costs,” Ma says, and her expression grows fiery. “That’s what the brother told Declan.”
This must be the same brother that is now trying to force her to sell the house. He must have kept the settlement for himself and left her out in the cold. That’s yet another reason why I have to talk to Chloe. Down the hall, the front door opens, and Finn’s voice bounces off the walls. “Hello! Logan?”
“Back here,” I call back, and he appears a second later in the doorway. His eyes dart around the room taking in every person’s expression, which makes his own grow darker. His eyes finally land on mine.
“Jesus. It’s true?”
I nod. “Yes.”
He scrubs his face with his hand just like Dad did minutes ago. “Fuck. Oh God. Logan…” He walks to me and hugs me. I hug him back briefly but pull away. “Let’s go. Mom and Dad need to sleep.”
“You can spend the night here if you want,” Ma says to me. “All of you can. You don’t have to go home alone.”
She’s worried about me. I hug her. “I’m not touching the stuff again, Ma. If anything, this is just another reminder that drinking ruined my life.”
She nods and hugs me again. It’s fierce, tight and brief. For such a petite woman, she’s always been able to give insanely hard hugs. She grabs my chin. “I love you Logan. I love all of you. And I’m proud of all of you.”
