As I repeat the date, the color drains from Finn’s face. “No. It can’t be.”
“Name.”
“Turner. First name John or Jack, I think. Maybe James. I didn’t memorize it. I didn’t want to,” Finn whispers back and I feel bile burn my throat like acid.
“Finn?” Chloe calls from the dining area.
“Go,” I manage to choke out. Finn looks like I’m literally ripping him in half by making him leave with Chloe when all he wants to do is stay with me and keep me from emotionally bottoming out. “Do not say a word to her.”
He nods solemnly and disappears into the dining area.
I dart to the employee bathroom and throw up into the toilet. I don’t know how long I’m in there, leaning against the wall with my eyes closed, sweat on my brow, limbs shaking, trying to take a deep breath and failing repeatedly. But suddenly I hear a gasp, and Terra is in front of me on her knees. “Logan. I want you to take this,” she’s holding up a small vile. “Take it now.”
I reach out for it. “Put it just under your nose and inhale. I know it feels like you can’t but you can. Close your eyes and sniff.”
I do what she says. It smells like lavender. It’s still impossible to inflate my lungs properly. I feel like I did that time when I was seven and accidentally swallowed half the ocean while body surfing with my dad. Terra gently puts her hands on my knees, which are bent, like a barrier between her and me. “I want you to remember your tattoo. The only way out is through.” Her voice is authoritarian but soothing. “Say it.”
Why does she sound so far away when she’s right beside me? “The.. only… way out… is through.”
“Keep saying it. Slowly. Over and over. Really hear each word.”
“The. Only. Way. Out. Is. Through.”
She squeezes my knees reassuringly when I say it again without a stutter or a pause.
“The only way out is through.”
“Try to take a deep breath between every repetition. Let yourself enjoy the smell of the lavender,” she says gently. “Again.”
“The only way out is through.” I can take a much deeper breath now. Not as deep as I’d like but I definitely don’t feel like my lungs have collapsed anymore. “The only way out is through.”
I feel like hours go by, and all I do is repeat those words and breathe in the essential oil. Finally though, I feel like I have a grip. Terra knows it too, and when I open my eyes, she’s smiling calmly at me. “You’re okay.”
“I am.” I pause and think back to what triggered my panic attack. “Terra, I killed Chloe’s husband.”
Her eyes widen in shock and then narrow with frustration. “You’ve never killed anyone in your life, Logan.”
“Bryan hit Chloe and her husband Jackson. That’s who was killed in our accid…” I think of Chloe’s words. “Crash.”
“I don’t know how that’s possible,” Terra says frankly, and the confusion is authentic on her eflish face. “No one said anything about a wife to me. Mom and Dad just said that a man was killed. It can’t be true.”
“I know. But she just sat here and described the other side of the crash.” I swallow. My mouth is getting dry again. My heart is starting to beat harder and faster. “The location, date, and what she heard about the driver…it matches Bryan.”
Terra can tell my body is quickly moving toward another panic attack. She squeezes my knees again. “Breathe. Inhale the lavender. The only way out—”
“Terra, there is no waythroughthis.” I push her hands off my knees and manage to stand up. I feel disoriented and lightheaded. I start out of the rest room and into the kitchen again. She follows right behind me.
“If she was in the car…if it was her husband…I can’t get past it. She sure as hell won’t be able to. She has scars all over her body. I was in the car with the person who did that to her. If I was sober…if I didn’t get so drunk I passed out, I could have stopped it. But I don’t know if I would have. Maybe I would have still gotten in the car with Bryan. Or worse, I might have been driving.”
I grab a clean mug off the dishwasher belt and stumble toward the sink. My hand trembles as I fill the glass with water and take a long sip. Terra looks just as distraught as I am, but she manages to sound calm. “Logan, one step at a time. We aren’t even a hundred percent sure. Let’s figure this out step by step.”
“We had something special,” I say. “I’ve never felt this way about a woman. Never. Not even Bethany. Chloe feels like a piece of me I didn’t know I was missing. She’s never going to talk to me again if I tell her this truth. Not now. I thought maybe…I was going to tell her and she would understand. Now I have to tell her and watch it break her heart.”
Terra shakes her head, still unwilling to see the truth. She pinches the bridge of her freckled nose and sighs. “I don’t understand. We gave his family two hundred thousand dollars. How is she struggling for money? If she was married to the guy in the car, why does she still have a mountain of medical bills?”
“I need to talk to Dad. Now,” I say. I march back into the restaurant and grab my jacket.
Terra runs after me. “I’m going with you.”
