“I knew when you weren’t at home that you’d be here.”
The voice makes me jump, and I turn expecting to see my mom or Nova but it’s Aspen Barlowe. I don’t even bother to waste the energy glaring at her, I simply turn away and focus on the ocean again. She doesn’t take the hint and walks across the snowy sand to join me. Ironically, she’s the only person I ever shared my fascination with beach snow with.
“I guess it’s a good sign you feel well enough to walk down here,” she says quietly after a minute.
“I guess it’s a good sign you’re out here stalking me and not on bed rest or still in the hospital,” I reply coolly.
“Baby is fine. Normal spotting, I guess,” Aspen replies. “I should really read a pregnancy book. But you, the kidney is playing nice? Adapting well?”
“I have some fatigue and my staples don’t come out for another couple of days, but everything is right on track for how it’s supposed to be.” I tell her because I’m hoping she won’t keep talking if I explain things.
“Medically sure,” Aspen replies and that forces my eyes off the ocean and to her pink-cheeked face. “But we both know noteverythingis how it’s supposed to be.”
“Because my almost-boyfriend knocked you up?”
Aspen’s blue eyes lock with mine, and the sadness emanating from them is palpable. “Your boyfriend, the man you’ve loved your entire life, did not knock me up. It’s official.”
I let that sink in. And it does. It sinks like a stone. “Oh. Okay. Well … it doesn’t change much. I mean, for me. I guess it changes a lot for you.”
“Oh my God Terra, give it up!” Aspen yells so loud that I jump. When I turn to face her again, she looks positively furious. “Do you want me to say it? Do you need me to? Fine. I can do it. I couldn’t admit it as kids because I was so jealous and hurt I couldn’t see straight, but I can now and I will. Problem is I don’t think you’ll actually hear it. You only hear what you want, just like you only see what you want.”
“What the hell are you talking about now?” I snap back. “You know I used to think your non-linear babble was adorable and I was so proud of myself that I usually understood you, but now … now it’s not cute. And I don’t get you anymore because we are not friends.”
“And we are not friends because IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU!” Aspen screams that last part, right in my face. Then she lifts her mitten covered hands and mimes like she’s trying to scratch my eyes out or ring my neck or something. Hard to tell with the mitts but the message is not friendly. “Jake Maverick has always wanted you. Always. From probably the minute he started hanging out with your family. Definitely from the time he was locked in a closet with you. I always saw it and I was always madly, deeply, truly jealous of it. I never had what you had, Terra. Not the unconditional family support, not the adorable smile, not the perfect grades, not a perfect boy’s unwavering attention.”
She pauses and takes an audible breath, exhaling heavily in frustration. “And as much as I loved you, I was jealous that you didn’t see it. Jesus if any boy looked at me the way Jake Maverick has always looked at you, I would have gone to any lengths to make him take the chance he was too scared to take. You were so insecure, you just shut down. So I tried everything in my power to take your place. I thought if I had the balls you didn’t that would be enough to get him to love me. But it wasn’t.”
“Have you been drinking?” I’m trying to make a joke but there is nothing funny about this.
She points to her stomach and the tiniest bump is visible. “Hello? Baby. Stone cold sober.”
“Then you’re delusional.”
“I’m not the only one who sees it now, Terra. Everyone sees it. Your entire family. Hell, even Miss Patti paid my herbal tea at Dunkin’ the other day because, and I quote, ‘I know that Maverick boy is in love with Terra Hawkins and, well dear, we spinsters need to stick together.’”
I fight so hard to control the laugh that wants to erupt from my chest that I snort right in Aspen’s perky, currently rage-y, little face. Her eyes widen and then she bursts out laughing and I do too. But I’m already shaking my head. “This town is mad. Full of lunatics who don’t know what they’re talking about, and apparently you’re one of them.”
She stops laughing and so do I. We catch our breath and she reaches out and covers my hand in my lap with her own. She gives it a small squeeze. “He hasn’t said it, but he came back for you. And he gave you a goddamn body part, Terra. We dated for a year and I can now officially say the most he’s even given me is an orgasm.”
“He gave me a couple of those too,” I whisper scared to see the reaction that confession will bring to her face. I know we have barely talked for years but … I don’t want to hurt her.
“Your family is all he has,” Aspen says flatly. “You’re his friends and his family all rolled into one. But he’s never thought of you as a sister. He was excellent at pretending he did though, as you know. If this baby was his, it wasn’t going to mean he was mine. He would have still been yours if you wanted him. So ask yourself that, Terra. Would you have still wanted him if this baby was his?”
“Yes.” I confess it without hesitation because the one thing that has never faltered in my life, no matter the obstacles or troubles, is that I look at Jake Maverick and I feel good.
Her curls, unable to do their usual bounce thing because they’re crushed under a knitted hat, shake on her shoulders as she jumps up and stands in front of me. “Then what the hell are you doing running from him right now?”
My eyes stare past her at the rumbling ocean, water crashing forward and wiping the snow off the sand. “Aspen, I spent my whole life waiting for him on some level. And where is he now? One text. He sent one text that saidAre you with Tom? Is that it? Are we over?”
“You want him to just show up at your door, bang it down and claim you cave man-style?” Aspen cocks an eyebrow as she shoves her hands in her pockets.
“Not exactly,” I bite back a smile. “But I want to hear all this from him. I deserve an explanation, from him, not you, and I deserve to know how he feels in his words.”
“You know how he feels, Terra. You are the smartest person I know,” Aspen counters. “And that’s why you also know he’s still terrified of real feelings. You’re the psych major, Terra, not me. His childhood was a cycle of abandonment. Deep down, whether he admits it or even realizes it, he thinks people leave him no matter what he says or does. He’s disposable. Unworthy. His feelings don’t matter. They don’t change anything.”
I look at her, my eyes sliding own to the bump under her coat. “Can I ask… if not Jake then..?”
“I told Jake I’d never tell,” Aspen smiles sadly. “But please know, no matter what this town says, and I’m sure there’ll be a lot said, I know who the father is. It was Jake or one other person and … so I know. But I’m the only one who needs to know.”
