“Thank you, Beth. For everything.” And with that, she left.
Beth had kept her word, and we spent the next few weeks packing, cleaning, and putting the house up for sale. I even landed a job in government technology, which accommodated my moving timeline. I took a few trips to Tucson to hunt for aplace to live and found one that was obnoxiously too big for one person, but it had a similar layout to Gram’s house. I still wanted to feel connected to them, even if it wasn’t the same house.
The move was hard and heartbreaking. I stood in each room, reminiscing on the memories made there, especially in the kitchen with Gram making cookies. I let myself cry for the lives that made the house a home, who left far too soon. I could picture my sassy sister dancing around the house, Avery making dinner, Gram sitting on her rocking chair crocheting another blanket, and me being loved by three strong women who made me believe I wouldn’t need another in this lifetime—at least not anytime soon. I walked through the house once more, not fully ready to let go.
I settled into my new home and started my new job the next day. The house was too quiet at night; I thought I had gotten used to it in the last few months without Luna. I was restless throughout the night, my alarm waking me up too soon. I bought the house in a quiet neighborhood, and it was too quiet to get any sleep. I should get a roommate. People in their late twenties still had roommates, right? I needed a double shot of espresso to get through the first day of work.
The drive to work was quick. I sat in my car in front of the building, taking multiple deep breaths. I hadn’t really used the extent of my degree since graduating. My new job was important, and the salary didn’t suck.
There was a lot of security to get through to get into the building. Once inside, I was amazed by the mere size andamount of people. I was told I would be welcomed by the lead contractor with whom I’d be working, but I waited in the meeting room for a long while before someone finally came to greet me.
“So sorry, it’s been one of those mornings. You’re not looking for a roommate by chance, are you?” He laughed. “I’m Gio, and you’re Grant?” he questioned.
“Nice to meet you, Gio.”Should I mention that I was thinking of getting a roommate?
“Let me show you around, and then I’ll leave you to complete some online training. So, tell me about yourself. What do you do in your free time?” He was a chatty one.
We began walking around the building, and he pointed out different locations—bathrooms, cafeteria, and mail room. “I’m a boring guy, to be honest. I just moved here from a small town two hours south of here and haven’t created much of a social life—unless you count playing online games with people.”
“You game?” he questioned. “What do you play?”
“I think being a gamer comes hand in hand with working in tech jobs.” We both shook our heads and laughed. “I like a variety of low-key adventure games with a small element of shooting or fighting. The games I’ve been into lately are made by my indie game developers. They might not have all the best graphics like the mainstream games, but I’ve been having fun discovering different types of games.” I realized I was rambling, which was no longer like me since I stopped trying to connect with people. Gio was easy to talk to, though.
“Dude, same here. I have too much anxiety for most first-person shooter games. I’m a chill gamer, but games also make up ninety percent of my personality.” He directed me to a computer where I’d be doing the online training modules. “Let me know if you need anything; I’m right over there.” He pointed to a corner desk across from where I would be sitting.
Gio and I became quite close working together. We gamed together or talked while we played separate games. I finally decided to ask him about the comment he made when we first met.
“I’m in the market for a roommate, know anybody?” I asked nonchalantly in conversation.
“Umm, me, bro. I’ve been staying with my folks until I can get my own place. I guess I could afford to live on my own, but I come from a big family, so the thought of being alone in a house kind of freaks me out.” He laughed. “I had a very toxic breakup recently. How much are you asking?” I don’t necessarily need the money from what Gram left me and the salary from work, so I wasn’t quite sure what might sound fair.
“Sorry to hear that, but lucky for me, because I need a roommate. If you want to split the mortgage, then I’d be happy with that.”
“Seriously? You’re an actual lifesaver. When can I move in?” he asked excitedly.
“Whenever you want, bro. The house is just too quiet, so feel free to be as loud as you want.”
He laughed. “You bet I will.”
I was nervous about living with someone who didn’t know what I’ve lost and about the various episodes I experienced. I’d tackle that conversation when the time came. Or at all, I didn’t believe everyone that came into my life in the aftermath of grief needed to know the entire extent of that grief. I’d have to bring the topic up to my new therapist, Darla. She was happy to take me on as a client when I told her about what happened with Luna and me.
I’ve settled into a new home, a new job, made a new friend turned roommate, and have created a routine for myself that keeps me and my overthinking brain busy. I worked, went to the gym, read, slept, and repeat. I’d have to find a way to keep myweekends busy, so I wasn’t idle for too long. I’d be okay. I had to take it one day at a time.
Everything I did would still be for my girls. I’ll become worthy of Lu’s love again.
FORTY
PRESENT
After eight years, I finally processed the day Avery died in therapy. We have discussed what happened in pieces over the years, but I always shut down discussions about the actual day. I did what I thought was right for our family at the time. I had valid feelings given our circumstances, and she was the one who decided to travel separately. Maybe I could have talked her out of it, but there was no point in perseverating on what-ifs. I needed to allow myself forgiveness and love again. I couldn’t continue to hold onto so much guilt and fear.
The drive up the mountain with Serenity was filled with music and laughter. We alternated between picking songs that were meaningful to us. I thought of how to bring up my grief with her, so I began by choosing “Kiss the Girl” from the originalThe Little Mermaidmovie.
She laughed. “Is this fromThe Little Mermaid?”
“Good ear,” I responded.
“What’s the story with this song?”
