I still got the normal college experience for the first two years, but she didn’t get to experience living away from our small hometown. I wish I were more in tune with how she felt. I thought we had a good little life and family together. How could I have been so wrong?
“I think we should go,” I finally said. “Lu has had so much change in her short life; I think we can fake it for a weekend for her benefit.”
“Okay,” she said. “I don’t think we should travel together, though.”
I furrowed my brow. “What do you mean?”
“I had an idea,” she said, standing up and pacing the room. “How about we splurge a little for her birthday and the two of you fly there, and I can drive and meet you at the airport to head to the hotel together?”
I remained silent, taken aback by her suggestion.
“Well?” she pushed when I hadn’t responded.
“You won’t get tired driving all that way by yourself? I don’t really like the idea of you traveling so far alone.” I hated how I still cared so much. I wanted to forgive her, I really did. I wanted her mistake to be a rough patch and not our end, but if I couldn’t trust or believe her…then our relationship would continue to go nowhere.
“I’d like the time to think. I want us to have a good vacation and make it great for Lu. We can’t do that if we spend eight hours in a car together, unable to be the family we were…before.” Her eyes misted over.
I looked down solemnly. “I still love you, you know. I don’t know what to do from here.”
“We grew up so fast, and I made a lapse in judgment. I knew the second I was alone with someone else that you were the only person for me. That might not mean very much right now, but maybe someday we can try to move forward. But I also understand if it’s what ends us. I will take accountability and do whatever you want me to do. It’s hard to think of a life without you two. I hate myself more every day for jeopardizing that for a second.” A single tear ran down her cheek; I wiped it away with my thumb.
We stared into each other's glossy eyes before colliding. We held onto each other so tightly, afraid to let go. “No matter what happens between us,” I began, taking a step back from her, “you taught me how to love and brought me back during the hardest time of my life when Gram died. You were our rock during the dark years that followed, and I took you for granted. I thought if we kept going as we were, everything would be okay and fall into place. The love I have for you will stay with me forever, but I can’t even think about what you did without getting so mad at you. I don’t understand why you didn’t talk to me instead of making that choice.” I walked away from her, gripping the counter.
“I lost my identity taking care of Gram and Lu when you went to school, and then once it was the three of us, it was even harder. We were all grieving, but because she was your Gram, I had to put my own grief aside to make sure you were okay.” She spoke louder, “I don’t know who I am aside from everyone’s caretaker. No one was taking care of me.” Her shoulders deflated.
“We should use the time apart while we’re traveling to not only think about what is best for us, but what is best for Luna. I want you to know that I would have done anything to prove my dedication to you if you had just talked to me. I know we were kids when we became parents together in a very unconventionalway, but I would have supported you if you wanted to go off to college or travel or whatever, but you pretended all was good.” I reached for her hands, and she placed them in mine.
“I love you so much, baby. I don’t know how to fix this. To fix us. To forgive myself enough to let you forgive me. I almost think you both might be better off without me…”
“Absolutely not,” I interrupted. “We wouldn’t have survived the last five years without you.” I let go of her hands and ran them through my hair in frustration. “You’re all we’ve ever wanted; we just hope you can say the same about us.” With that, I walked to my room and closed the door. I plopped myself on my bed and closed my eyes.
When I opened my eyes again, it was dark. I must have fallen asleep. Lu suddenly burst through my door with excitement. “What’d I tell you about knocking before barging in?” I chastised.
“I’m sorry, brother. Avery just told me we’ll be flying to California. I’ve never flown before, but I’m so excited. This is going to be the best birthday yet.” She danced happily, bringing a grin to my face. She always had a way of getting me out of a funk.
“You'd better start packing then, because we’re flying out tomorrow.” I had booked the flight once Avery had suggested it. Luckily, there were still a couple of seats available.
It was also our anniversary—eight years together. Neither of us had mentioned our tradition of picking out a few of each other’s favorite items from the year.
Lu ran out of my room, screaming for Avery to help her pack. I chuckled lightly. I stood up from my bed and walked toward the closet. I still slept in my childhood room. I could never quite get myself to move our stuff into the master bedroom because I still saw it as Gram’s room. We did change it up, so it served as a guest bedroom—currently Avery’s bedroom, though.
I left my room to find Avery and Lu packing in her room. “Can you get Lu dinner tonight? I’m not hungry, so I’m going to pack and head to bed.”
“Sure,” Avery agreed. “Did you send me all the flight information?”
I pulled out my phone to make sure I had emailed her everything she would need. “Yes, it’s in your email.”
“Can we have cereal for dinner?” Lu asked Avery.
“Always,” Avery said with a wink. “We’ll add some fruit so we can say that we’re still healthy.”
I chuckled. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear this conversation and go to bed.” I hugged Lu and kissed the top of her head. “Try to get some rest tonight. We have a busy few days ahead of us.”
“I will,” she promised.
I turned to Avery and gave her a long hug. On instinct, I gave her a peck on the lips. She took in a breath of surprise since I hadn’t kissed her in months. We gave each other a small grin. “Goodnight, ladies.”
“Goodnight,” they both singsonged back at me. Tomorrow will be mentally exhausting with thoughts of how we should move forward. I needed to think about my relationship, Lu’s upbringing, and what each decision meant for our future. We’d hit a turning point by communicating our feelings instead of continuing to ignore them. I wish kissing her didn’t still take my breath away.
