“For the most part, he would stand too close to me in the kitchen or make inappropriate jokes about sex or my body, but when I was twelve…he cornered me one day and…tried to kiss me…and touch my bottom.” My heart began to beat rapidly, processing what she admitted. Her mom was married to a literalpedophile.I hope I never crossed paths with him again, or I’d beat the shit out of him—or worse.
“Did you tell your mom?” I was in shock. I assumed if her mom were aware, she wouldn’t marry him. People were capable of the unthinkable, though.
“I did. We moved for a bit after that. She said she believed me, but her lack of support said otherwise. We moved back a year later, and they were quickly back together.”
I squeezed her closer to me. “Did he ever do anything else?” She started crying again. I had a large pit in my stomach, realizing she was only at the beginning of her story. How long did she endure his abuse? How many times has she had to come face-to-face with her abuser over the years?
Her crying began to slow. “My freshman year of high school was probably the single worst year of my life.” I sat up in bed and cradled her in my arms. Her words came out more ragged as she cried. “He threatened to hurt my mom if I told anyone.” She came to an abrupt pause.
I wiped tears from her cheeks. “You don’t have to talk about all of it right now. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready. I can’t even imagine the hardship that must have caused you, but I’ve come to know you as a resilient woman who didn’t let the past interfere with building a successful future for yourself.”
“I want to share this with you. You see me. You really see me. You continue to try to understand who I am and respect my needs and boundaries.” We smiled at each other, and I snuck a kiss on her cheek. “I want to tell you, but if it’s too much to hear, then you must tell me, okay? I don’t want my trauma to traumatize you.”
I hate how others made her feel like she couldn’t live her truth. Her lived traumatic experience was out of her control, but she was still made to feel like she was too much. “Nothing you say or do will ever be too much for me.”
Her sad eyes found mine. “You mean that?”
“With every fiber of my being.” I stuck my pinky out. “I pinky promise that you can always talk to me about anything on your mind, and I will enter the conversation with an empathetic ear.” She put her pinky in mine.
She took a deep breath. “He snuck into my room most nights to violate my body. Later, he would watch me shower or get dressed. There were months where he stopped, but it neverlasted long.” Her body stiffened beneath me, caught up in a memory. I held her tighter. “I told my mom everything five years ago before they got married, but she married him anyway.”
She closed her eyes for a long minute, and I watched her. She was the sunshine I needed on a cloudy day, but she went through an unimaginable trauma from a man whose hand I shook mere hours ago—a man who I thought waschill.The anger coursed through my veins. How could someone do something sovileto an innocent child? I took deep breaths and focused on Serenity to calm my angry energy. I wanted to be the one who saved her from all the misery. She opened her eyes, looking lost. Her eyes pooled with tears. “I got you, baby girl. Let it out.”
She sobbed in my arms while I held her. “I should have told someone. I shouldn’t have let him get away with it and threaten me. I was old enough to know better.”
I stopped rocking her and tipped her chin up to look at me. “You were a child who was put back into an unsafe environment. It was your mom’s job to believe you and keep you safe, and she failed. An adult took advantage of you, and there was nothing you did to indicate that any of it was your fault. I’m sure Darla has told you something similar, so you need to believe it.”
She kept silently crying while nodding. “I know. I hate that my mom still makes me see him without even asking if I would be okay with it.”
“I would look at your relationship with her and ask yourself if it’s a relationship that brings any good into your life anymore.” I gently rubbed her head. “You deserve good things and people in your life after everything you’ve been through. And I may have stolen that line from Darla as well, but it applies here.”
“Thank you, Grant. For always being there. For being my best friend. For being everything I’ve been searching for.” She raised her head and lightly kissed my lips before laying her head on mychest. I continued to rock her in my arms. “I’m getting tired; can we get some rest now?”
“Of course, baby girl.” I stood up and turned off the lights. I got back in bed and spooned her. “Can I take you somewhere soon?”
“I’d go anywhere with you.”
“I want to show you the safe space I picture in my sessions, which has become my happy place. Or my other happy place, since my first happy place is anywhere you are.” She snuggled closer into me.
I could hear the smile in her voice. “Where’s your happy place?”
“Rose Canyon Lake. It’s up near a small mountain town about forty minutes from here. Have you been?”
She audibly yawned. “I don’t think so.”
“We can talk about the details tomorrow. You’d love all the mountains and fall-colored trees.”
Serenity didn’t respond, clinging to me as exhaustion took her under.
THIRTY-EIGHT
AGE 25
The last few months were nothing short of unbearable. Avery and I had countless conversations and arguments regarding the state of our relationship and co-parenting Luna. The first few days after I found out Avery had cheated on me, I wanted nothing to do with her. I avoided her at all costs. She stayed longer with her mom or slept in Gram's old room. My love for her wanted to forgive her, but the anger inside me had me appalled at the sight of her. She wasn’t who I thought she was anymore.
“What are we going to do about Disneyland?” Avery asked, approaching me in the kitchen.
I sighed deeply. We had promised Lu we’d take her to Disneyland for her fifteenth birthday. We bought the tickets, rented a car, and reserved the hotel. I didn’t necessarily want to be in the same car for over eight hours with the tension between Avery and me. I didn’t want Lu to notice the changes between us. I imagined she could already sense it, even if we tried our best topretend everything was normal. I didn’t know if we ever would be. I should have been more attentive to Avery’s needs and what she had to sacrifice.
