I couldn’t help the grin that spread across my face. “Where are you living?” I asked.
“I’m in the Rosebush Apartments here on campus. My roommate backed out at the last minute, so I’ll have it to myself for a bit. How about you?”
It was too good to be true.“I live in an apartment with Shawn off campus, but I think it’s about time I created some space from him. Any chance you’d want to be roommates?”
“Really?” she beamed. “We should totally room together if we can.”
“I would love that.” I told her everything about my relationship with Shawn, the ending, our roommate situation, and the current development with him asking me to move out because of his new girlfriend.
The next day, we met with student housing and made the change before classes started on Monday. I packed up and left without another word to Shawn. He used me in so many ways, only to instantly throw me away when I wasn’t needed anymore. I didn’t deserve that. We knew the day would come when we couldn’t be as close friends as we had been, but I thought I was worth than the words he left me with.
I grieved our friendship, feeling like I lost a piece of myself. I thought we would be in each other’s lives forever, but I had to learn to move on with my life without him.
I had to become my own safe space.
THIRTY-SIX
AGE 25
Emma and I spent all of our college years together. We travelled a bit once we graduated until I finally landed my dream job in Tucson. We were visiting a friend and stumbled upon an indie bookstore that was hiring a marketing manager for their social media and events. I instantly applied and was offered the position on the spot. Emma found a teaching position at a preschool close by. We may have lived in a small, downtown apartment, but we were happy. The happiness wasn’t meant to last, when I received a call from my mom.
“We’re getting married!” she relayed excitedly, completely stunning me. She told me my entire life about how she didn’t believe in marriage and would never let a man take away her independence. I wondered what he said or did to convince her.
Apparently, she forgot to consider what I told her about him when I was twelve and again when I was fourteen. I could scream at the unfairness of it all. I’d never be able to have a healthy relationship with my mom because he’d be aroundforever. The fear from his threats always sparked when I thought about telling my mom more of the story. This time, she needed to know more before she made a drastic mistake.
Emma found me crying on the living room floor when she came home. “Babe, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t speak through my sobs. Emma sat on the floor next to me and put her arms around me while I cried. “Let it out, I’m here,” she said, reassuringly.
“My mom is going to marry Andrés,” I finally said. The silence was loud.
“I think you should tell her the truth.” I had confided in Emma about the abuse I experienced from Andrés after I had yet another failed relationship. My flashbacks, nightmares, and overall depression became so bad that I ended up getting dumped during one of my longer stints of a depressive episode. I knew I should go to therapy, but I was scared I waited too long to tell someone. What if they judged me for not sticking up for myself more? I’d be ready one day.
“What if it doesn’t change anything?” I lay my head on Emma’s shoulder.
Emma leaned her head on top of mine. “Then at least you told your truth. If she still chooses to marry Andrés, then that’s her choice and has nothing to do with you. Then you can decide if you want to have a relationship with her or if it’s time to cut ties.”
I wiped my face and stood up. “You’re right. I need to tell her. I’m going to call and see if we can meet for lunch tomorrow. I don’t mind making the trip to her because I’ll never know if she would have made a different choice if she knew.”
Emma stood up and put her arms around me. “I am so proud of you.”
I met my mom at a small boutique cafe near her house. I wanted to meet somewhere a little more private, but she was adamant that the café was perfect to share a surprise she had for me, as if I needed another surprise. I wrote down everything I was going to tell her so I wouldn’t forget—or lose my nerve. Nerves made me antsy as I sat down, unable to stop bouncing my knees or playing with the ring on my right index finger.
“Hi,mija,” she approached, leaning down to give me a side hug and kiss on the cheek. I still couldn’t understand how she talked to me as if we were close.
“Hi, Mom, how’ve you been?” I put my napkin in my lap and rolled it in my hands. They were already sweating.
She sat up and put a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m wonderful! Look at this ring.” She extended her hand to me, showing off the giant rock on her finger. Of course, she would need something extravagant. I tried my best to fake a smile.
The waitress came to take our orders and poured us some water. “That’s actually why I wanted to meet today.”
She gave me an incredulous expression. “What do you mean?”
The moment of truth. I wouldn’t succumb to Andrés’s threats anymore. I didn’t tell her, so she’d be safe. I hope she’d see that. “I need to tell you what happened when we moved back to the city.”
Her face fell. I couldn’t tell if her expression was one of understanding or disappointment. “Happened when? Iseverything okay?” She crossed her arms on the table and leaned closer to me.
As I was about to recite the script I had prepared, our waitress arrived with our food. I poked around my salad as my mom took a few bites. I didn’t have much of an appetite. The pit in my stomach grew in intensity, and my heart was beating a million miles a minute. “It has to do with Andrés,” I blurted out.
She dabbed the napkin at the corner of her lips. “Are you still telling the same old story? Haven’t we already talked about this? It was a misunderstanding.”
