“I started seeing someone. It hasn’t gotten that serious because we seem to both be working through some fears from past relationships, and don't want to repeat the same mistakes. I really like her, though. More than I ever realized I could like someone after losing Avery. I want to be able to be my best self for her, but I still live in this fear that anyone who gets too close is going to leave or get hurt.” I bit my nails on my right hand.
“I understand getting back out there again can still be scary, especially when you know she is working through issues that are out of your control. Would you be open to exploring where that fear may still be stemming from?” She looked at me with the sincerest expression.
“I think it’s from guilt,” I said, looking down. “I should have been with her that day. I said I would always protect her, and I let her down. I don’t want to let someone else down, especially when they’re on their own healing journey. We’ve both been vague about what we’ve been through, but we’re also in agreement to take our relationship slow. But I constantly worry.”
She flipped through her notebook. She found what she was looking for before she spoke. “I know we have discussed your guilt and how it’s been the pillar holding you back from developing any close relationships. You have held onto the fear of being close to people, especially women, because of what happened to Avery. We have spent many sessions over the years breaking down your guilt, but I think we also need to work through some of your fears as you pursue a new relationship, starting with processing your buried emotions surrounding the day of the incident. Do you think you’re ready to do the EMDR therapy focusing on that day?”
We sat in silence. I wanted to be ready. I needed to heal from the guilt I’ve held onto for all these years. “I want to try, but I don’t think I’m in the right headspace to do it today. Do you think we can start next week?”
“You’re the driver of these sessions. I am here to assist in your healing journey in the ways you are ready for and am in no way pressuring you into discussing a topic you might not be ready to discuss.”
“I know,” I said reassuringly. “I have a date tonight and want to be in a good mood, and once we open that wound, I’m not quite sure how emotional I’ll become. But I’d like to discuss what the next session will look like, so I’m prepared for next week.”
She smiled at me. “You do seem happier and more engaged. This woman must be good for you.”
“She’s something special,” I said with full confidence.
“I’m glad you’re taking the steps forward to live your life fully.”
“Me too,” I said.
“During the EMDR session next week, I’ll have you jump into the memory of the day you lost Avery. The focus will be on your guilt and further breaking down your fear of losing the people you’re close to. I believe your guilt is your secondary emotion, whereas fear is your primary emotion. I’d like you to reflect on the day and the actions that led to your decisions. Think about whether those actions were different; would the results have changed? How does that sound?” She paused, looking at me in question.
“I’ll be ready,” I said, reassuring myself just as much as I was reassuring her.
She smiled. “That’s all I ask.”
Our session continued by discussing boundaries and prioritizing my mental health through the transition of becoming romantically involved with someone again after eight years. When our session ended, I thanked her for her insight and headed on my way.
Once home from therapy, I decided I’d treat myself to a bubble bath with the breakthrough I had.
I had an oval, free-standing deep tub situated in the far-left corner of the bathroom. I added eucalyptus bath salts to hopefully alleviate some pain I was experiencing from my last couple of workouts, and lit a lavender candle because why the hell not? I had sunk in and closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths. I lay my head back and soaked in the tranquility from breaking down my wall of vulnerability with Serenity and in therapy. The warmth relaxed my body entirely.I’d be even more relaxed if Serenity joined me.I grabbed my ringing phone from the shelf next to the tub.
“Hey, pretty girl. How was your day?” I asked as I answered the call.
“I filled out so much paperwork, I hope I don’t have to use a pen for a long time. The owner needs to get with the times. How was your day?”
“It was pretty typical,” I said. “Gym. Therapy. Now I’m taking a bath.”
“A bath?” she asked in disbelief.
I laughed. “Yes, a bath. I had to unwind after therapy so we could have a good night tonight. You don’t want to see me when I’m slightly irritable.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who took baths but also knew how to relax. You should host a workshop for other men.” She laughed.
I laughed along with her. “I’ll keep that in mind. So, are you ready to see me yet?”
“I’ve been ready. You’re the one taking a bath!” she practically shouted.
“I’m getting out right now. Give me thirty minutes, and I will come and swoop you up.”
I quickly rose from the bath, dried off, brushed my hair, and went into my room to get ready. I dressed casually in a blue T-shirt and dark blue jeans. I quickly grabbed my wallet and keys and headed out the door.
TWENTY-THREE
PRESENT
When I pulled up in front of her house, she was already waiting outside. Her sunshine smile shining brighter than ever. I jumped down from my truck to open the door for her.
