We headed up north. Once settled, I texted Shawn, sent letters, and tried to call, but there was radio silence. Did something happen to him?
And there I was, completely alone again. I received a letter from my other best friend, Emma, explaining how she and Shawn had started dating. I was surprised because she knew how strong my feelings for him were. I wasn’t mad at them, though; I painstakingly missed him. I sank to the floor with the letter clutched to my chest as I began to sob.
The tears began to fall as the emotions of my thirteen-year-old self threatened to overwhelm me.
“I’m going to pause the vibrations. What came up for you?” Darla asked. “I’m sorry this has brought up some negative emotions,” she said, handing me a tissue box.
I took a minute to compose myself before relaying the memory to Darla.
“Although we will want to break down the relationship with your mom and Andrés, let's focus on your friendship with Shawn. Do you understand Shawn's lack of correspondence wasn't because of anything you did?”
Did I understand that? Or did I still think I was too much for him, and that's why he disappeared? Emma is now my soul sister, but did I hold resentment toward them at the time for pushing me away when I needed them most?
“Honestly, I don’t know,” I replied.
“That’s okay. That’s why we’re here. Think about that when we start again and see what comes up.”
“Okay, I’m ready again.” I was determined to get past this first instance of abandonment.
I didn’t make any new friends at my new school. I would sit in a corner in the courtyard during lunch and go from class to class like a ghost. I gave up trying because I was a shell of a person. My mom was still traveling on and off, I hadn’t heardfrom Shawn, and I obsessively looked over my shoulder when by myself. I spent the entirety of my thirteenth year mostly alone.
One day during the summer, my mom came home and said we were moving back. We moved into the same neighborhood where Shawn lived.
My face heated as a mist formed at my hairline. The prison disguised as a home made an appearance.
I didn’t tell anyone I was coming back I didn’t have anyone to tell anymore. I spent the last year isolated and hardly ever had my phone on anymore.
The first day of freshman year at the school my previous best friends attended made me feel out of sorts. What were the chances I'd even see Shawn and Emma? I didn’t even know if they were still together.I walked into my first class of freshman year, and Jacob was there. He immediately recognized me.
I took a deep swallow, preparing to see myself talk to an old friend about Shawn.
“Serenity, you’re back! Do Shawn and Emma know? They didn’t say anything, those jerks. Come sit by me.” He waved me over to the back right corner of the classroom.
I froze, unsure how much to divulge. I wasn’t sure if they were all still close. “They don’t know I’m back. We fell out of touch when I moved. I think they were focused more on each other once they started dating.” I shrugged, taking out my planner and settling in.
“They didn’t really last all that long anyway. I think they were both lonely after you left, and one thing led to another. Let me see your schedule. I’ll see if you have any classes with the crew.” The crew, I thought. It had felt like an eternity since I’d been part of their friend group. Jacob seemed so willing to let me back in with open arms, but how will Shawn and Emma really be, I wondered.
I handed him my schedule. “Wow,” he said.
“What?” I asked nervously.
“You have almost the exact schedule as Shawn, except for this class. So, if you aren’t ready to see him, you might need to start getting ready because you’re going to see him in fifty minutes.”
I let out a sigh. How could he disappear from me after everything happened? He couldn’t even send one letter, one text, or answer one phone call. I wanted to know why. Maybe it was all too much for him, or I was too much for him.
I spaced out during that first period, imagining what to say to Shawn when I saw him again. Did I need to say anything? Could we be friends again? Could I even forgive him?
The thought went completely out the window when he appeared in the hallway outside of class. Jacob must have warned him I was there, because he seemed to be looking for someone. When our eyes met, it was like no time had passed at all.
I squeezed the tappers tight, breathing increased as the image of Shawn circles around my mind. I wanted to give up. I wanted to release the tappers and walk out the door.
He ran to me with the biggest grin. “You’re actually here. I thought Jacob was fucking with me. I missed you so much.” He hugged me, and because of his apparent growth spurt, he was able to pick me up and spin me around. I caught myself laughing.
“I missed you, too.” I looked at him and smiled so he wouldn’t see how upset I truly still was. I trusted him. He made me feel safe. But he ran away just like my mom always did.
My hands shook and became clammy. I raised my right hand tentatively. “Can we stop?” I asked Darla as I came out of my reverie.
“Of course,” she said, pausing the device.
