Darla cleared her throat, snapping me out of my thoughts. “What’s been on your mind since the last time we spoke? We ended by talking a bit about your attachment to Shawn.”
“I’ve been thinking about how he was the first instance where I noticed I had issues forming healthy relationships and boundaries. We were best friends, but I moved away, and we didn't speak until I returned a year later. We became more intimate in high school and then dated a bit when we went off to college. He was really there for me when no one else was, but I held onto him like he was my lifeboat.”
“Would you want to start processing that relationship with EMDR today?” she asked, writing down some notes.
I nodded. “Yes, I would.”
“There are a few different EMDR methods, but the most popular amongst my clients is using tappers. I’ll have you close your eyes and hold one handheld tapper in each hand. They’ll alternate vibrations while we picture a memory and see what thoughts or further memories are provoked. I’ll guide you toward positive beliefs as we break down the trauma. First, do you have a safe or happy place you can imagine after processing difficult memories?”
I had been the happiest in college when Emma and I were in a small mountain town full of trees. “I think my happiest place is in the mountains surrounded by trees.”
“Perfect,” she said, standing from her chair to grab the device. “We will stop throughout to discuss what comes to your mind and the feelings you are experiencing,” she continued. “If at any point you feel it’s too much or overwhelming, raise your hand, and I’ll stop the device and walk you through your safe space. Does that make sense?” She handed me the tappers.
“I think so.” Could she sense how nervous I was? Shawn had been my safety, even if he didn't understand the extent to whichhis presence brought me comfort. When we officially ended our relationship, it was the most heartbreaking time of my life.
“You talked about how Shawn was your best friend, but it did become romantic, correct? Can you describe the transition?”
I played with the tappers in my hands. “When I moved back in high school, we fell back into being best friends. But we were hormonal teenagers, so one thing led to another. We were in sort of a friends with benefits situation for a while in high school.” I squeezed the tappers in my hands, pushing the memory of our first time down as it threatened to break through.
“When you started a 'friends with benefits' relationship,” she said, gesturing air quotes with her hands. “Did you both agree to that type of relationship, or was it one-sided?” she asked with no judgment, which was exactly what I’d been most afraid of.
“I had a crush on him since I met him, but when I moved, he dated my other best friend. We didn’t talk for the whole year I was away.” I could feel the pit in my stomach reflecting on how my thirteen-year-old self had felt abandoned—again.“When I came back, he wanted to pretend like everything was normal, so I went along with it. He first initiated intimacy, and again, I went along with it. I guess I thought some of him was better than none of him.”
“What emotions are you currently feeling?” She gave me a somber expression.
“Sad. Angry—mostly at myself. Confused. We spent years going back and forth because I genuinely thought we were meant to be together.” I swallowed back my emotions.I am stronger than my trauma.
“Those are all valid feelings. Do those feelings cause any sensations in your body?”
“Yes,” I said. “I feel pressure in my chest and butterflies in my stomach.”
“And on a scale of one to ten, how intense are those sensations?”
I considered her question. “Probably a six or seven.”
She nodded, taking notes. “What’s the strongest emotion you feel when you think about him now?”
A part of me still waited for Shawn to reappear, especially when I landed in relationships where I didn’t feel safe at all. I hadn’t voiced our history aloud to anyone else besides Emma, so it was invigorating to get it all out to Darla.
I looked down. “Abandoned,” I practically whispered. “I think I’ve felt abandoned by every person close to me at some point. Somehow, it felt different with him. Like, I could never let him go.”
“Why don’t we start where you first felt abandoned by him? Close your eyes and picture that moment. Focus on your feelings and see where your thoughts take you. Tell me when you’re ready, and I’ll start the device.”
I took three deep breaths and repeated Grant’s mantra.I am stronger than my trauma. I am stronger than my trauma. I am stronger than my trauma.“I’m ready.”
TWELVE
PRESENT
Darla started the vibrating device, and I teleported back to middle school.
I refused to go back home until Andrés was gone or my mom came back. I was still so scared to step into my home. My mom finally came to Shawn’s to pick me up after I had been staying there for a month. “You believe me, don't you?”
“I believe you,” she said. I released a breath, relieved. “Andréswon’t be around anymore, and we’re moving.”
A scowl formed on my face, knowing my mom didn’t believe me at all.
The world around me slowed. I was elated my mom believed me and was taking action, but the thought of moving away from Shawnand his familywas devastating. He was my first true friend, and he went out of his way to make me feel safe the past month. But this had always been life with my mom. We'd pack up the second life became tough.
