Silence.
Swallowing, I gather my courage and look up at Lio, seeing confusion in his eyes. “Why are you apologizing? I’m the one that…that almost broke my promise.” He lets out a bitter laugh. “We really fucked up the idea of forever, didn’t we?”
I try to smile, but my ever-rioting emotions prevent the action from truly forming. “Yeah… I’m so sorry, Lio. Sorry I wasn’t there for you through…well, everything.”
He shakes his head. “You…you wouldn’t have been able to stop me. Hell, Roman was right there. I could have woken him up, and he would have talked me off the ledge, but…I didn’t want that. I didn’t think I deserved to be stopped. Sometimes, I still don’t think I should have been saved.”
Pain shoots through my heart at the reminder that Roman got to see him first, but…as I sit up more, the ache in my side reminds me why I wasn’t there. Because I had to serve my own selfish needs before my best friend—again.
“I’m sorry,” I say again.What else can I say?“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, not just when you…tried to kill yourself, but when Allesandro first went missing. I wasn’t there. I…I fucked up, Lio. I let you down so much.”
He looks down at his hands, and I follow his gaze, sucking in a breath at the bandages around his wrists. Seeing them…tears form in my eyes, and a lump gets locked in my throat. I almost lost him. Knowing and seeing the evidence are two very different things, and it kills me to know how close I was to not having him in my life.
“You did,” he says sadly. “I needed you and you weren’t there. I…I know you had a lot going on with Ignacio, and then with Tennant, but you promised to be my Second, and more importantly, to be my friend. What good are those fuckingfriendship rules of yours if you’re not going to follow them.” He frowns, pain marring his beautiful features, making the tiredness etched into his face stand out starkly.
Fuck, this isn’t what he needs right now, but of course, I had to make it all about me. “I’m sorry,” I say once more. “There’s nothing I can do to make up for what I did. I was a shit friend, and I know it now. I…I fell in love while you were falling apart at the loss of yours, and I should have been there for you. I never should have agreed to be trained by Tennant. It could have waited, and maybe then none of this would have happened.”
Lio lets out a breath. “No, you needed training. You still need it. He was right to take you on. I just never thought someone else would be more important than me. I mean…I get it. Ten is…all-consuming. I love him, he’s my Daddy, and I won’t give that up for anything, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be there if you or Roman needed me.”
I flinch. “All I can do is apologize and promise I’ll do better. And I will, Lio. I…I’m stepping down as your Second. I don’t deserve the position. Not only that, I let it go to my head. I tried to be someone I’m not, to prove to you I can be useful, and I failed at everything.”
“I don’t want to lose you.” He reaches for my hand, gripping it…though not tightly, and the physical therapist in me immediately wakes up, worried about the damage he’s done to himself.
“You’re not losing me. I need to do this, so we can be better. I need to be there for you in a way that makes sense again. I’m sorry I let you down. So, so fucking sorry.”
He takes a deep breath, even as he loses the battle with his tears. “You have, in so many ways. I’m still your friend though, and I still want you by my side.”
“And I will be, but I need to learnhowto be a friend to you again. I…need to work on my issues. My jealousy of Tennanthaving other lovers, and you having Roman as a friend…” Something passes through his expression at the mention of Roman, but I can’t figure out what. Maybe the shared experience they just went through? I know how that is. Hopefully, they can be there for each other, and don’t let it tear them apart. I don’t want to see Lio making the same mistakes I did.
“You really want to step down as Second?”
“Yes. Maybe…maybe someone else can step up? Antonio? He did a good job in the beginning filling in for me… Or Ignacio? He has some valuable knowledge you could use.”
“I’ll have to think about it. It’s…going to be weird not working with you again.”
“Well…” I look down at his wrists again. “When I’m recovered, I’m still going to kick your ass in PT.”
That earns me a small smile, but it fades quickly. “I want to be your friend again, Benjamin. I just…don’t know how to do that when you hate the idea of me and Daddy together.”
Sadness fills me, along with shame. “I…am starting to get it, I think. It’s not easy. I hate knowing I’m not enough for him…that I wasn’t what Ignacio needed. But I love Tennant, so much I can’t breathe sometimes without him. He’s my soulmate, I fully believe that. I just don’t know what that means for us.”
“He’ll help you. He’s really good at all the emotional stuff. Let him in, Benjamin. Trust him.”
I nod. “I’m trying.”
“Good. I know he loves you, and he worries. Even if he doesn’t show it like everyone else, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. I think he cares deeper than anyone else could.”
“Yeah…” I know that about Ten. He’s better at actions than he is with words, and the things hedoessay, while not traditional, show how much he loves those he decides are his. I just…have to somehow figure out a way to keep my old expectations out of the equation, for good.
“I still love you,” Lio says. “You hurt me, deeply, but that never changed my love for you, even when I thought it did.”
“I love you, too. So much. You’re my best friend, and I’ll always regret forgetting that.”
He leans in and presses a soft kiss to my cheek. “I’ll forgive you this time, but don’t do it again. I don’t think I can handle much more emotion.”
“I won’t. I promise.” I squeeze his hand, wishing he was in bed next to me, so I can hold him and feel as if we’re truly okay, but…I know that’s going to take longer. Baby steps.
So long as he hasn’t given up on me, I won’t give up either. We’ll be okay, I have to believe that. Anything less would kill me for good.
