"On what?"
"On whether you're going to tell me that you think we should end this. Because if so, I can't let you in, baby." He swallows hard. "If I do, I'll tie you to my bed so you can't leave me."
The fact that he's serious should probably scare me, right? It doesn't. It breaks a piece of my heart and mends it at the same time.
The way he loves me has always been obvious. I was just too afraid to let myself see it, because if I did, I had to deal with my own mess. I had to address all the shit that scares the hell out of me.
"T-that's not why I'm here," I whisper.
The relief in his gaze makes me want to cry. I don't deserve him. Not yet. But I want to be the kind of woman who does.
He steps aside, letting me in. His body brushes mine as I step over the threshold, and I feel him everywhere, just like always.
"Can we sit down? I have something to show you," I murmur, gesturing toward the couch.
"Yeah, baby girl. We can sit." He places his hand on my lower back, leading me across the room to the couch.
His leg touches mine when we sit, side by side, his heat searing into me.
I place the photo album on his lap.
"What's this?"
"My secrets," I whisper, peeking up at him as he runs a finger around the edge of the album. "It's…well, it has the only photos of my family that survived the fire and a few from boarding school." I swallow hard. "It has my birth certificate and the letter I got when I was eighteen, saying I was aging out of the system and would no longer receive services."
"Jesus," he mutters.
"My whole childhood is contained in the album," I explain. "Everything that I went through. Everything that shaped me. Iguess…everything that made me afraid?" I shrug helplessly, not sure how to explain. "I always told myself that I kept it all to remind myself where I came from, but that's not true."
He turns to look at me, his eyes locked on my face. "What is the truth, baby girl?"
"I kept it to remind me why getting close to people was dangerous." The truth scrapes out of my throat, raw and real. "I needed to remind myself that I could end up alone like that all over again if I wasn't careful."
He watches me intently, not speaking, but I see the way his eye twitches, as if hearing that hurts him. I think it probably does.
"Olive was the first real friend I ever had," I whisper, fighting the urge to hide my eyes from him. "I tried not to get close to her, but she's Olive. You can't win when you're fighting Olive."
His lips twitch because he knows I'm right. Olive isn't a force of nature. I think she is nature, chaotic, inevitable, and so full of life that she just sucks you in.
"I've always been so afraid I'd lose her, so it was easy to convince myself that I couldn't have you," I murmur, my voice shaking. "If it meant hurting her, of course, I couldn't. But that wasn't the truth, Jasper. It was never the truth."
"What was, baby?" he rasps. "Why couldn't you have me?"
"Because my family died, and I almost didn't survive it. If it had happened to you—if you hadn't come home from a mission—I wouldn't have…I couldn't have…" I bite my lip, fighting a whimper. "If you weren't mine, I thought maybe it would hurt less if that day ever came."
"Baby," he whispers, heartbreak written all over his face as he reaches for me, pulling me onto his lap. His arms shake as they band around me, like he can hold me together with the strength of his arms.
"I was wrong," I murmur, burying my face in his throat. "If something had happened to you without you ever knowing howI feel, I never would have gotten over it. I never would have forgiven myself."
"It won't happen, baby girl. I'm out now."
"I know." I swallow, burrowing deeper. "But I've still been scared to let myself love you. I used Olive as an excuse, but the truth is…I want it so bad that the fear felt like it was choking me."
"Give it to me," he rasps, tipping my head back until my eyes meet his. "Let me carry it for you. That's my job, baby girl. When you called me your daddy, that's the trust you gave me—to help you carry what's too heavy for you, to protect you when you can't protect yourself, to love you through every fear, every doubt, and every insecurity. You gave me permission to make you my world, and to ensure that yours spins exactly the way it's meant to spin." His lips brush mine, his kiss soft. "Give it to me."
I whimper, my hands fisting in his shirt. I turn on his lap, straddling him, trying to deepen the kiss.
He hesitates for a moment before giving in with a groan I feel in my soul. His arms tighten around me, the force of his desire threatening to consume me entirely as he licks into my mouth like he intends to kiss the fear out of me.
