‘No, I didn’t.’
‘Why did you say it then?’ he asks.
Oh, shit. ‘OK, Liv used to say you were boring. It was just the first thing that entered my head. I’m sorry,’ I repeat.
‘You think of me as boring, though?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I protest. ‘Really.’
‘But it was the first thing that came into your head.’ Ollie pushes the point. He looks crestfallen.
I hate myself.
‘What do you think of me as, then? If not boring?’ he asks.
I look at him for a moment. I want to give him the rightanswer, but every single word in the English language has failed me.
‘You don’t think of me at all, do you?’ he says flatly.
‘Oh God, Ollie, that’s not—’ I inhale and, slowly, Ollie backs away from me with a look of total confusion. ‘Ollie,’ I say, but it’s too late as I lose him to the crowd.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
‘Ben’s definitely straight,’ I tell the ridiculously fit and handsome Toby later that night. He reminds me of Hugh Grant in his heyday. All floppy hair and eye-penetrating charisma.
‘I’m not too sure,’ Toby protests.
‘You’ve got to trust me on this,’ I tell him.
‘I’m normally very good at this,’ Toby says. ‘What about your friend Ollie?’
‘Also not gay. Are you sure you’re very good at this?’
‘Not so much now, no. Have you met your awful neighbour from upstairs? I think he’s some sort of backbench Tory MP.’
I smile. ‘Not yet. But I hear he’s quite a character. And, from the sounds of it, also not gay.’
‘Definitely not gay,’ Toby says, reaching for a bottle of fizz from one of the many ice-buckets dotted around. ‘Or hiding itverywell.’ He tops up my glass and his.
The evening is mellowing; my playlist has moved on to Ibiza lounge as only the diehard dwindlers hang on. Ben and Liv returned after an hour or so and no one was sporting a black eye, so I take that as a win. I’m desperate to catch up with Liv and find out how it went. She and Ben spoke for a bit back here too, with Liv introducing James to Ben. Jameshad got embroiled in a conversation about politics with the MP and hadn’t seemed to notice Liv’s absence. There are guests outside on the balcony taking in the view, wrapped in coats and smoking. Some are on the large, sunken white sofas playing on their phones and drinking or chatting idly. Every now and again someone wanders over, coat in hand, to give me a hug, say bye, how we’ll catch up again soon –good party.People have made new friends, new connections.
Mum’s definitely been chatted up by one of the guys her age who lives in our building, and I can’t wait for a debrief later as to whether or not she’s interested. I suspect not. She never is.
I’ve had two of my old school friends here, who seemed surprised to be invited, given we’ve hardly spoken throughout these past few years. We caught up a little tonight, but the guilt is real at having let most of my old friendships slide by. I realise I could have made more friends at uni if I hadn’t dropped out and then worked so much, or had kept up with those I loved at senior school and sixth form. I feel I replaced them with Ben, Liv and Ollie. It was too easy.
Ollie. I close my eyes, cringing at how I called him boring. To his face. I don’t even think that. He’s just the sensible one.
Living together, having been thrown together like that … made it easy to stay in our bubble, to live a new kind of life. It was such an easy group friendship. Until it wasn’t.
Toby and I finish chatting and he leaves his drink on the side, gives me a kiss on both cheeks and heads off towards the lift, slightly less of an enigma to me now than he was before.
Liv and James come and give me a hug, taking Toby’s cue,and slowly, one by one, at around half-past two in the morning people leave until it’s just me and Mum surveying the dirty plates and glasses. The catering staff left long ago. And Ollie must have taken his dad with him. I didn’t see either of them again all night.
‘Er, Princess?’ Mum says in a stage-whisper.
I turn around and Mum is standing by one of the white sofas, pointing at the one sole remaining guest, who is fast asleep.
‘Oh,’ I say in a surprised laugh, because Ben is still here. Before he was playing on his phone, but now he’s asleep.
