Ollie throws his head back and looks to the ceiling for a moment, laughing. When he looks back, his eyes are sparkling, as if he’s enjoying himself.
‘See, youarehaving fun,’ I say, while also feeling insanely pissed off that Toby might be gay. I flick a look towards him. ‘He was talking to Ben forages.Do you think he was hitting on him?’ I ask.
‘Yes, he was. And I think Ben is as clueless as you, given how cosy they looked.’
‘What makes you think Toby’s gay?’ I ask.
‘A number of things. But mainly when the guy from the flat upstairs – the one who looks and sounds like a politician – asked if Toby got to shag all the fit female models every time he took their photo—’
‘Ugh,’ I comment.
‘Yeah, I know. Anyway Toby replied with, “No. And I’m only interested in the male models.” Then he walked away out of disgust, and that’s when your friend Ollie here, aka Sherlock Holmes, deduced that Toby was of pretty decent moral fibre. And was gay.’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ I mutter indelicately. ‘I had no idea.’ I sigh dejectedly. ‘Well, thank you for telling me before I wasted any more time. Toby will just have to be a friend then. I can live with that. It wasn’t as if I’d spent an entire evening chatting him up and then wondering why he was only half interested.’
‘Case closed,’ Ollie says and I give him aYou can shut up nowlook.
‘Plenty more fish in the sea,’ he replies, trying but failing to look serious.
‘All the fish are taken or gay, or don’t appear to be available and seem to think I’m unavailable, which I sort of am. And we’re swimming in this sea of mass unavailability.’
Ollie looks at my glass. ‘How many of those have youhad?’
I laugh. ‘Shh.’
‘Gay fish,’ Ollie says under his breath.
‘Are you having fun?’ my mum asks Ollie as she totters around on her very high heels and tops up our glasses.
‘I amnow,’ Ollie says, giving me a comic expression.
‘Ollie’s just shot right out the door my hopes of getting with Toby.’
‘Oh, Princess, he’s gay. I think.’
Ollie laughs.
‘Fuck off,’ I tell him and then I drink a healthy measure of my fizz as Mum totters off with a bottle in each hand to keep people topped up, even though the caterers are being paid to do that very thing.
‘I’m not getting any because the guy I fancy is trying to hook up with Ben, but why aren’tyougetting any?’ I ask, turning it on Ollie.
‘Because … I don’t know why not. I’m swimming in the sea of mass unavailability too, I suppose. I’m really trying to give medicine my all. I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want to go through the dating game again. Not yet. I don’t wantto focus on that when I could be focusing on being on my A-game for medicine.’
‘You’re going to stay celibate until you’re a doctor? That’s alongtime. You won’t remember what to do, if you wait that long.’
‘Ha, I will remember. The internet will keep it fresh in my mind.’
‘Ollie. Gross!’
‘Oh, don’t be holier than thou. It doesn’t suit you. You’re supposed to be the fun one.’
‘And you’re supposed to be the boring one,’ I shoot back.
His face falls. ‘Am I? Am I the boring one? Out of who? You and me or … all of us?’
‘I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry. What a horrid thing to say.’
His eyes penetrate mine. ‘Yeah, it is. You obviously meant it, if you said it, though.’
