‘I’m so sorry,’ I say. ‘I ruined everything. I blame myself. I wish I hadn’t broken up with Ben like that. I didn’t think about any repercussions when I did it. I just needed to get away. Ben crashing the car – I can’t help thinking that if I hadn’t broken up with him, he wouldn’t have done it. He would have been in a better headspace.’
‘You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re allowed to leave a toxic relationship.’
A toxic relationship. I don’t think I ever put a label on it, but Liv’s right. It wasn’t healthy.
Liv pulls her sunglasses from her bag and puts them on as the sun comes back out from behind the cloud, bringingwith it brightness and much-needed heat. I dive into my panini.
‘You leaving right when you did made me re-evaluate what I was doing there. Why I was living there. And it was because we were a four. And then we were a three, and then I thought about me living therewithoutyou, but with Ben …’ She makes a face. ‘And Ollie. And I knew I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be with Ollie any more. I don’t think I ever did. I didn’t know what I wanted. But being in Ben’s range was unhealthy. I wasn’t handling the partying as well as you were. I didn’t see anything wrong with it until it was far too late. So when a space became available in a flat-share with a girl from my course, I jumped on it.’
‘And Ollie and Ben ended up living together in a two-bed flat in Seven Sisters,’ I comment.
‘And they’re still there?’
‘I think so, last time I checked in with Ollie.’
‘You obviously speak to him more than I do then,’ Liv says in a tone I can’t place.
‘I doubt that. Are you still friends?Doyou still speak?’
‘Not so much. Once I’ve slept with you and I’ve dumped you, you need to be gone from my life.’
I cough-laugh so inappropriately on my coffee and then Liv laughs too, pulling us both from a potentially icy situation. I think about her words. ‘I can’t imagine that. I can’t imagine having such a connection to someone that you’re so in love with them and then … the next day you’re not and you never see them again.’
‘That’s exactly what you did, though,’ Liv points out.
‘I will see Ben again, though. I can’tnotsee him again.’
‘Why?’ she asks, totally not on the same wavelength as me on this. ‘Do you love him?’
I remember Ben’s face, his laugh, how he made me feel when it was good. ‘Yeah. But it’s different. A different kind of love. A raw love. I feel sad, mainly. Working so hard has been a good distraction. The pain was so real and now the pain is a lot less.’
‘Work’s obviously going really well?’ Liv asks.
‘It is. I can’t complain. I just work, work, work. It’s all I do. Mum and I are thinking about moving house. That’s my big news.’
‘That is big news. Where to?’
‘No idea yet. But I want a view of … something. Anything. I’m sick of staring out at the wheelie bins outside the chicken shop. If I can buy us something where we’re at least looking out over a park or – I don’t know – then that’ll be perfect.’
‘Wow! Things are obviously goingreallywell if you’re buying.’
I smile modestly. ‘Mum and I are only at the thinking-about-it stage. I’ve honestly worked so much this year I’ve hardly had time for friends, for family, for anyone. I’ve travelled so much I’ve missed whole days flying back and forth from Asia, the US, Europe. Jet lag and I are best friends, and I don’t spend any money because there’s no time to go shopping.’
‘I’d miss shopping.AllI want to do is shop. Remember our Topshop binges?’
‘I miss those days. My credit card doesn’t miss them, though,’ I reply conspiratorially.
‘Want to go shopping now?’ Liv asks. ‘I’ve got half an hour before I have to be back. Let’s go shopping now. Come on,’ she says, rising and grabbing my hand. ‘It’ll be like the old days.’
‘There’s no way we can make it to Topshop and back, though,’ I lament.
‘No,’ she confirms. ‘But there is a Whistles nearby.’
I stand up immediately, and Liv and I giggle on the way to Whistles. She and I have been apart for so long, but have fallen back into friendship as if we’ve never been apart. Some things never change.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Six years ago
