‘You talk, no?’
‘A bit,’ I reply warily.
‘Am I doing OK?’
My heart goes out to him. ‘Are you doing OK? With Liv?’
‘Yeah,’ he says, looking nervous. ‘I get told off quite a lot, so I imagine not. I’m not sure I’m quite what Liv had in mind for a boyfriend, and I’m trying to change to fit what I think she wants, and she’s not telling me off quite so much any more, so I must be doing OK.’
My mouth drops a bit. Oh, wow! Poor Ollie. This is a little weird, hearing it from his point of view. It made perfect sense to me when Liv was telling me her side of it. I wonder if this is how Ben feels. I want to change Ben. But it’s for his own health. Liv wants to change Ollie. But into what? And why?
‘She just wants you to be more loving, affectionate. I think that’s it. But I do also think she’s accepted now that you’re not really like that. So … I wouldn’t worry.’
‘Sometimes I feel we’re so grown-up, and then at other times I feel like I’m still a kid,’ Ollie confesses. ‘Getting it all wrong, but expected to get it all right.’
‘I know what you mean.’
‘It’ll work out in the end, won’t it?’ Ollie asks. I really hope he’s not looking for an honest answer. ‘For all of us,’ he states.
‘I hope so.’ Although I feel the gulf between Ben and me widening. I need to fix it, close the chasm back up again.
‘Have you spoken to Liv about this?’ I ask.
‘I feel that’s all we talk about,’ Ollie says with a sigh. ‘And when I speak to Liv about it, it doesn’t end well. She gets defensive and then it sort of ends in a row or with her crying, and I feelawful.’
He looks so vulnerable, his brown eyes so open and honest.
‘Sometimes I think it’s better just to keep quiet,’ he says despondently.
I glance upstairs, to where Ben has stomped off to queue for the bathroom. ‘Yeah,’ I say, returning my gaze to Ollie. ‘I think you might be right.’
CHAPTER TWENTY
A few months later I’m on the phone to my mum while I’m wandering around Sainsbury’s with a trolley load of crisps and dips and frozen pizzas for our house-party.
Mum wanted to come to the party and I felt a bit bad putting her off. But she’s in her forties, so what is she thinking, coming to a university house-party? Thankfully, she took the hint. I feel like I’ve neglected my mum recently and, because we have the house on a long-term annual let, I haven’t gone back to her flat at some weekends, like I’d usually do; instead I’ve stayed in the house with the gang. We all come and go for various things – away-days with family or friends – and last weekend Ben booked all four of us on a weekend away at Alton Towers. It was everything it should have been: fun, silly, a chance to let our hair down before the daily grind of our lives settled back in again.
So because I’ve neglected Mum and because she’s about to turn forty-five, I’m going to take her away to Los Angeles for a fortnight. She’s always wanted to go, and so have I. I can afford it now, as more and more jobs come in. I also have a job over there, so my airline ticket is free, which is a bonus. I want her to know how appreciative I am of her – of everything she’s done for me.
I’m standing in the spirits aisle and although it’s a house-party, I’m really nervous of reintroducing alcohol into the house.
‘Ben’s doing really well with his drinking,’ I tell her as we land on this subject. ‘What should I do?’
‘What do you normally do when you go out?’
‘I don’t drink,’ I say. ‘I just don’t. I don’t even want Ben to know alcohol’s nearby. Pubs are a challenge. So this party might be even worse. He’s really, really tried these past few months. After the argument at his parents’ house he was apologetic, and he has tried so, so hard to get back in my good books. I’m not backing down. I love him. I want Ben to work hard at this, so we can have a future together and I don’t have to mother him. He needs to conquer this.’
‘Oh, my little princess,’ Mum says, taking me back in time to when she used to call me that as a child. ‘You know how I feel. He’s not your responsibility. I love Ben. You know that. But, Aurora, it’s not supposed to be this hard this early. And something like this … alcoholism – that’s big. I want to help you and I want to help him, but I’m not an expert. If it’s ingrained in him—’
‘It’s not,’ I cut in. ‘It’s not ingrained. How can it be? He’s only twenty. It just can’t be. There’s so much time and I can’t give up on him. But I am worried about this party.’
‘It doesn’t feel like a good idea.’
‘I know.’ I groan. ‘It was Liv’s idea. We all went along with it, but now I’m really worried.’
‘Please let me know how it goes. Do try to enjoy yourself and try not to watch Ben all the time. My advice is to talk tohim today and then see where it gets you. Then enjoy the party and take a hands-off approach, because you’re right. You’re not his mother.’
I can see Ollie and Liv standing at the top of the stairs during the party. Ostensibly she’s queuing for the bathroom, but people come and go from that room while they’re both still lingering outside, arguing about something. Ollie looks beaten. Liv looks beaten. I feel beaten. It’s nearly midnight. It was all going so well. We were having a good time. Although about an hour ago, when I was talking to one of our old flat-nine frat boys about how long the summer holidays are, Ben scoffed and said, ‘It doesn’t count for you, as you aren’t a student any more. In fact what are you even doing here?’ He laughed it off as he turned to talk to someone else, but it made things awkward.
