‘I really thought I was doing a terrible job of hiding it,’ he says.
‘I didn’t know.’
‘I’ve loved you for ever,’ he continues mournfully. ‘Since that moment on the stairs when I nearly sent you flying.’
‘You did send me flying.’
He smiles. ‘Since then, I think. It was immediate. And then, as the days and weeks went by, everything went so wrong. You were out of my league. And Liv was so into me. And Ben was so into you. And we all just coupled up and …’
‘The rest is history?’ I suggest.
He laughs sadly. ‘The rest is history. But, Aury, the future doesn’t hold anything for us.’
I know. Of course I know. ‘Ben,’ I say simply.
‘Ben,’ Ollie agrees. ‘This will devastate him. He’s so fragile and he’s mybest friend. Somewhere in the back of his mind he still holds a flicker of a flame for you. If you asked him to get back with you, he’d say yes.’
‘Oh no,’ I cry. ‘That can’t be true.’
‘I think it is,’ Ollie says. ‘Ben’s been so distant from me lately. And this makes me worry he’s spiralling again.’
‘Is he drinking?’
‘Not at home he’s not. But he’s out so much and—’
‘He doesn’t roll in drunk in the early hours of the morning?’
‘No, he doesn’t. I do think he’s sober. But I don’t know what he gets up to, and Ben doesn’t tell me and—’
‘It’s OK,’ I cut in. ‘I get it. I understand. You’ve been sucha good friend to him since I left, since Liv left. You’ve stuck by him.’
‘I can’t let him down now,’ Ollie tells me. ‘Even if it means I can’t have my own happiness.’
‘And I can’t have mine,’ I say quietly.
‘I’m sorry,’ Ollie replies. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘You don’t have to apologise.’
I know he’s right. This isn’t even something we could discuss with Ben. I worry so much about him. But I’ve been let off the hook from worrying too deeply because Ollie has always been there to pick up the pieces of Ben’s broken life.
‘I want to kiss you,’ I tell Ollie honestly. I feel tears in my eyes. Damn this wine. I’ve drunk too much.
‘I want to kiss you too,’ he says. ‘Since that first day. And it’s less likely to happen now than it was back then.’
‘Don’t say that. You’re saying never. You can’t say never. Youcan’t.’
‘I just don’t see how it can happen,’ Ollie replies. He takes my hand in his and holds it, and I feel this is for the very last time. ‘I’m going to get up now,’ he tells me. ‘And I’m going to go. Because anything else is unfair on both of us.’
I want to cry at him not to go, not to leave me like this, but I know he’s right.
I nod slowly, close my eyes for a moment and inhale. His hand leaves mine and my leg jitters nervously, the way Ollie’s did at the table at Liv’s birthday party. But he doesn’t put his hand on mine to still it as he rises. Instead he picks up his bag.
‘I love you,’ I tell him desperately, as if it might be the thing he needs to hear again to stop him.
But he doesn’t stop. ‘I love you too,’ he says to me. ‘And I really am sorry.’
And as Ollie leaves, I feel as if I’ve been broken up with, even though we never even got together.
