‘But we don’t talk about the people we’re dating, even though neither of us knows the other person.’
I don’t know what he’s driving at. Or, rather, I don’t want to believe he’s trying to make me say something that we’ll both regret. And what’s the good of saying anything anyway?
Ollie looks at me with a fixed expression. I continue regardless. I remember our hands touching at Liv’s birthday, how he held me at the premiere, how I felt when he did so. Calm. Reassured, when I couldn’t have been more nervous. I felt I didn’t belong. Ollie’s always made me feel as if I did belong. I remember that chat so long ago on my balcony when we were trying not to wake Ben – how it felt as if we might be entering dangerous territory that would change our friendship. How we knew we weren’t allowed to.
‘We’ve been friends for so long,’ I say. ‘I never want to lose you.’
‘You won’t,’ Ollie confirms. He reaches out and takes my hand. ‘You’ll never lose me.’
He strokes my hand, his gaze falling to it, and mine does the same. I watch his actions, entranced.
‘I can’t believe I’ve known you ten years,’ I say, watching him touch my hand. I never want him to stop.
‘It’s so mad,’ he says.
‘I thought you didn’t like to use words like “mad”.’
‘I say the wrong thing around you, get tongue-tied around you.’ Ollie’s gaze lifts to meet mine, but his hand remains in the same position, stroking the back of my hand gently. I watch him, waiting for him to continue, but he doesn’t.
‘You get tongue-tied around me?’ My heart is racing.
He nods. ‘I always have done. That’s never changed.’
‘What are you talking about? Why?’
He sighs and says slowly, ‘Aury, you must know why. How can you not know?’
I draw in a short, sharp breath. ‘Ollie,’ I reply and it must sound like a warning, even though I don’t mean it to, because he pulls his hand away and says he’s sorry. ‘You don’t have to be sorry,’ I continue, immediately mourning the loss of his touch. ‘You don’t have to be sorry at all.’
He nods. ‘I shouldn’t have done that. But I couldn’t help myself.’
‘Why not? Why is it so wrong?’ I ask.
He frowns in confusion. But he won’t answer. We could go round and round doing this all day and I don’t have the energy left to fight this any more. I simply don’t have the energy left to keep it in. We can’t go on like this for another decade – we just can’t.
‘Ollie …’ I start and then I pause.
I need to think how to do this. So much hasn’t been said that to do this now feels strange. And wrong.
‘I know we’ll destroy Ben if we do this. So we can’t. We can’t do this. But I want you to know how I feel anyway. I want you to hold my hand. Always. I want you to be nearme. Always. I miss you when I’m not near you, Ollie. It’s been like that since for ever. When I was with Ben, I wanted to be near you because I loved you like a friend. And then part of me was so reluctant to go through with breaking up with Ben, because I’d be leaving you and Liv. I have no idea how it happened or when it happened, but I started to see you in a different way and it hasn’t gone away – that feeling. That feeling of slowly falling in love with you wouldn’t go away,’ I say desperately. ‘I went around the world and you wouldn’t leave my head. I got on with you better than I got on with Ben, and that must mean something. Only Ben and I got together so quickly, and so did you and Liv, and being friends meant …’
I stop, draw breath.
Ollie’s frown has deepened, but his eyes stay on mine. ‘You’re in love with me?’
‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘Being friends meant it was too complicated to do anything about it. At any time. We were all single, and I couldn’t just go from Ben to you. It would have been wrong, on so many levels. Liv would have hated me. Ben would have been destroyed. He still will be.’
‘I know. I know we can’t do anything about this. I don’t want to hurt Ben, but it doesn’t stop me …’
‘Stop you what?’ I ask, breathless now.
‘It doesn’t stop me loving you too,’ he says.
I put my hand over my mouth in surprise.
‘You must know that. I love you. You have to know that,’ he goes on, looking agonised.
I shake my head. ‘I hoped. But you’ve never let on.’
