‘Here? Of course. It’s your flat too. You don’t have to ask.’
‘OK then,’ Mum says, standing a little taller. ‘Happy days! He’s popping in for a drink before seeing Ollie. Daniel’s going to tell him tomorrow.’
I hope Ollie will react the same way as me or … perhapsa little better, now I think about it. I don’t know how long his dad has been single, but my mum has been single since for ever and if she’s happy, which she seems to be, then that can only be a good thing, right?
‘Aurora, good to see you again,’ Daniel says to me warmly as he enters the flat.
Mum has briefed me on what to say and what not to say, as if I’ve never met him before. She looks nervous. I think she really likes him.
‘Good to see you again too,’ I reply.
I forgot how much Daniel looks like his son. His eyes crinkle in the same way when he smiles. The shade of his irises is the same brown as Ollie’s. He’s very handsome. I wonder if Ollie will grow older like this.
I am absolutely forbidden from asking anything along the lines of ‘So you and my mum, eh?’, so instead I delicately swerve the subject entirely. The reason Daniel is here – because he’s dating Mum – is going unmentioned. Instead I ask, ‘How’s Ollie getting on, now he’s qualified?’
‘Doing well, I believe. He’s at St Thomas’s Hospital now.’
‘I saw, on his Insta. You must be so proud.’
‘I am, very much. He’s running himself ragged, though, but he knew what he was letting himself in for. I’m going to be keeping a close eye on him. I don’t want him burning out. I’m meeting him for dinner in half an hour, as his hospital is only round the corner from here.’
Ollie is only a few minutes away from me most days of the week. I’m not sure I realised that – not really needinga hospital much, so having no idea where our nearest one is. I wonder if that’s where our closest A&E is. I should probably know that by now, given that I’ve lived here for years.
‘I’d love to see him,’ I say. I haven’t seen Ollie since that hug in Leicester Square, although we’ve had a couple of social-media interactions and our usual nothingy messages, full of small talk. He commented on the fact that I changed my social-media handle to Aury, and it made me smile that he’d noticed. Ollie’s the only person who ever calls me that and I like it. I’ve always liked it. It sort of made me feel closer to him even though we’re so far apart, having gone back to hardly seeing each other again.
‘Would you both like to come to dinner?’ Daniel asks me and my mum. ‘I’m sure he’d love to see you both.’
‘Oh, I’m not sure … I don’t want to intrude,’ I say.
‘You won’t be intruding,’ Daniel says enthusiastically. ‘I’m sure Ollie would love it. Sasha?’ he asks my mum.
‘If you’re sure Ollie will be OK with it?’
‘Of course he will,’ Daniel says dismissively.
I honestly have no idea how this is going to go. I guess I’m about to find out.
‘OK. Let me see if I can add more people to the reservation. Hold on and I’ll make the call.’
I really like Daniel – he’s kind. He’s very much like his son, who I’m going to see in half an hour, if Daniel can extend the booking.
‘It’s all sorted. Table for four.’
‘Time for a little drink first before we walk down?’ Mum suggests.
‘Not for me,’ I say. ‘I’m going to make myself look a bit less like I’ve been doing Pilates in the flat all day, but you two open something. There’s a bottle of prosecco in the fridge.’
I scarper off to my room, jump out of my gym gear and start applying make-up and bronzer to my very white face. I pull on clean clothes, jeans and a nice top, with what I call my Lady Gaga puffy shoulders, and emerge feeling slightly renewed.
Half an hour later when we’re seated in the restaurant, I’m trying to hold a conversation with Daniel and Mum while also scanning the windows for any sign of Ollie walking past. Every time the door opens I fix my eyes on it and am, so far, disappointed it’s not him. But when he does arrive, it’s as if all the feelings in the world surge in at once. A mix of love and despair, happiness and sadness at the same time. There’s no point to this. This is going to be torture.
If it still means so much to Ben that Ollie and I don’t go anywhere near each other romantically, then I can’t hurt Ben. I can’t ruin the good thing he’s made for himself. How he was – the drinking, the anguish he went through trying to sort his life out. I caused him so much upset by leaving him, by walking out of his life. And now I’m back in it again. And we’re friends. I can’t hurt him again. I can’t be responsible for driving Ben back to drink, and I suspect it wouldn’t be too hard to nudge him back to the bottle. He’s so fragile. Andthen he might do something stupid. I worry so much about that. I worry so much about his mental health. I can’t risk my friend doing something awful simply because I want Ollie. It’s too selfish. It’s not fair.
Liv was worried she’d lose our friendship over Sam. But I’m worried we’ll all lose Ben, full stop. I can’t be the cause of that. Ollie and me … it just can’t happen.
And then, of course, I don’t even know how Ollie feels. He might feel nothing romantic towards me. I’m best left in a pit of unrequited love. I don’t want to find out that he doesn’t even want me, doesn’t feel the way about me that I do about him.
But I remember the last time we were in a restaurant together. At Liv’s birthday party I put my hand on his, Ollie laced his fingers through mine and I know I didn’t imagine something passing between us that probably shouldn’t have, given that I had Sam to one side of me and Ollie had Romy to the other. It was a poor choice of timing, but maybe it didn’t mean anything to Ollie – simply a friendly touch. But it meant so much to me.
