Her words soothed the rising panic, putting it out almost as quickly as it appeared.
“I…I don’t know if I’m ready for…. Everyone know about me yet. It’s…new, I guess. And I like it being just me and Evy. I like the quiet and the no questions. There are no expectations. I get to findme. And I don’t want to share that yet. But…I know I’m gonna have to.” I exhaled and looked off towards where thegarden was. “I want it to be on my terms, but at the same time I missed out on so much. I miss Mama’s hugs and all the happy moments that I don’t even remember.”
“She misses you greatly and will be thrilled to know who you are. But only when you are ready. Only then, sweetheart. Until then, keep being Evy’s Honeybee.”
I smiled. It was small, but there all the same.
Because I was Evy’s Honeybee. I didn’t need to be anything else but that.
Chapter 39
Kasey
The sun was sinking low in the sky, painting it in soft oranges and pinks that made the whole backyard look unreal.
The smell of smoke and burning wood wafted through the air as Evander’s parents began to get the evening started.
Evander hovered near his bedroom, hands on his hips, as he looked at me. I was frozen, unsure of what to do.
“You don’t have to go out there,” he said quietly. “You don’t have to do anything today. You can stay here, watch TV, read a book, draw, or even just go to bed early. No one expects you to join. I have to join, at least for a little bit. Maybe an hour at most. It’s…tradition. One I hope you’ll someday join, but I don’t expect you to.”
“I….” I swallowed. “Can you choose?”Just tell me what to do.
“Honeybee,” Evander sighed, stepping towards me. Each step was slow enough, so I could either see him coming or have time to put up whatever boundary needed. But I didn’t move. I only looked at him. Begged him.
I couldn’t choose.
“My sweet Honeybee,” he pulled me into his arms, and I all but burrowed into his chest. “What are you scared of?”
Everything.Out loud, my words were muffled as I answered. “What if they have questions that I don’t want to answer? What if they take me away from you? What if I panic and can’t handle it? What if it’s better if I stay here and pretend, I’m not here at all? What if they don’t want anything to do with me? What if they are the ones that wanted me to be taken away in the first place?”
“Whoa, slow down, Kasey. Deep breaths, okay.” Evander’s words brushed the top of my head as he held me a little tighter against his chest.
“First off, remember what I said. No one gets to know who you are until you decide. You get to choose.”
“Your mom figured it out.” I breathed in another deep breath, letting Evander’s scent chase away the panic.
“I’m not surprised.” A deep breath from him before he went on. “You have a couple of options, since it’s all up to you. It’s time you start making these choices yourself, to find outwhatyou want. Option one, you stay here, cuddled on the couch. Option two, you come with me and we will stay until you want to come back home. If that’s only five minutes, or hours, that’s totally fine.”
It would be easier if he just told me what to do. I didn’t want to pick; I didn’t knowhow.
Spending years being told what to do, what to eat, how to dress, a simple choice wasn’t so simple. It was everything.
When I didn’t answer, Evander pulled back just a bit to look at my face. “If you want, you can wear one of my sweaters,” I’d have done that anyways, “And have the hood up. It’s dark enough that no one will know it’s you. You can sit in my lap and just enjoy being outside and a marshmallow or two.”
“Okay.” Maybe I could do that. No…Icoulddo that. Evy wouldn’t let anything happen to me. He’d keep me safe. And I was pretty sure that he’d keep any nosey questions at bay.
“Okay?”
“I…I want to go. But don’t leave me.”
“Never, Honeybee. Never.”
After making sure he had the pill bottle – just in case, he said, like it was the most normal thing in the world – Evander crossed to his closet and pulled out a dark colored sweater.
He held it without comment.
The moment it touched my hands, the scent hit me. It was warm, clean, and unmistakable for him. As I slipped it on over my head, I’d already stolen it. Claimed it. Decided it was mine now, even if I’d never say that out loud.
