The thought made me feel so warm and fuzzy that I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t know how to describe just how wonderful the thought of coming together as a family with these two felt. It felt so good that it was as if my heart was swollen and about to explode with love. The flutters in my stomach told me this was a good thing.
And yet, there was some tiny, wounded part of my heart and my mind telling me to slow down, proceed with caution. To make sure that it was really what I wanted, and the other shoe wouldn’t eventually drop someday in the distant future.
That was still part of me. That fear. And I knew it would take time, but that’s what we had.
I didn’t even know what movie we watched, what was said, or who fell asleep first. I was so deep in thought, in processing my seemingly simple, yet complicated feelings, that I didn’t remember the movie at all.
“You okay, love?” Cash’s voice came rumbling through his chest, concern dripping from the words as the credits rolled. The kids were fast asleep on the cushions on the floor, one facing one way, the other laying opposite. I nodded absentmindedly, not entirely sure why I wasn’t completely alright.
“Okay. Now, let’s be honest,” he gripped my chin, gently tilting my face up to his, “You’re too tense for this to be okay. You didn’t see a thing that happened in the movie. What’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours?”
“Can we talk in your room?” I whispered, not wanting to wake them, even though I knew we had to get Drew home soon. He gently helped me off the couch before standing. He held his hand out for me when he made it past the extra cushions. I took it, loving how my hand felt in his as he helped me.
As quietly as we could, we walked to his room. Cash held the door open for me and followed me in, quietly shutting and locking the door behind him. He came to stand in front of me, his hands behind him as he hung his head taking a deep breath. He looked up at me, his face dark with frustration and lust. I knew he wanted to go much further than we did in the kitchen, but we had things to discuss and a kid to get two floors up first. He must have noticed something because he smirked at me.
“Tell me, love. What’s going on? What’s making you feel the need to lie to me?”
“I love you, more than I ever thought. But I’m still hesitant,” I answered honestly. I had to share my fears because if I didn’t, it could ruin everything before it ever had a chance to truly begin. He nodded his head like it was a perfectly reasonable thing to say about the man you’re in love with. Now I was confused.
“I can understand that given everything that fucker put you through,” his expression darkened in anger as he grumbled about Caleb being lucky he’s a dad or disappearing or something of that nature. I grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him.
We were trying to have a good conversation. I wanted that back. I pulled away, my forehead pressed to his. I looked into his eyes as I ran my thumbs over his face, trying to calm him down.
“Now why’d you stop a thing like that?” He smirked, his eyes closed enjoying the feel of me rubbing his face. I felt him smile. His mouth moved into the biggest smile as he tried to pull me back against him, trying to kiss me again.
“I needed to get this conversation back on track. I love you. But I’m still hesitant. And you said,” I led, hoping he would tell me without trying anything.
“I understand after what he did to you,” He mocked himself as I nodded, giving him half a smile. I wasn’t trying to let him know just how charming he was. He smiled back at me. Love filled his eyes as he continued, “But I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life showing you just how much you mean to me. I’ll never let you question me, and I will always listen to the things you tell me. I will put you above everyone else and protect your heart, like the most perfect treasure it is.”
Tears were rolling down my cheeks, as he leaned in, gently kissing me.
“Please. Let me show you Devin. Every day. From now until forever,” his words, a plea; not asking, begging. I felt the last of the doubt, the last of the fear, fall away.
Like it had never been there in the first place.
“Yes,” was all I whispered out as he kissed me again. We broke apart so that he could get Calen into his room while I walked Drew back upstairs. Those few minutes apart felt like hours. And the hours we spent that night making love, felt like they flew by too fast.
And at the same time, it was deep and slow, worshiping each other like we always should. We worshipped each other quietly, in our own little bubble over and over again into the wee hours of the morning.
Chapter Thirty-Eight:
Devin’s POV
Two weeks after our living room movie date night in, with Calen and Drew, the case worker approached Cash again. This was her second attempt to get Calen to do a DNA test. They wanted to be able to place him with a potential blood relative instead of his ‘Big Brother’ from the program. She had the audacity to say that it could be ‘a burden raising a child you don’t need to’. She had left it on a voicemail while Cash was in a meeting.
He called me, needing me to talk him off the ledge. Thankfully I didn’t have any cases at that moment and could talk to him. I slipped into the doctor’s lounge to talk for a few moments. Once he was calmed down he called her back. When we were both off work and home, he came over so we could talk without listening ears. He filled me in on the whole conversation and how we had a meeting set up the next day.
Thankfully, Cash was able to ask her to meet at the coffee shop in the hospital lobby. He sat next to me, his hands fidgeting in his lap as he tried to keep his calm exterior.
This was an important meeting.
“I know you had mentioned possibly testing his DNA?” She asked as Cash nodded. We’d brought up the idea several times to Calen, but he seemed like he didn’t want to. “If he wants to test his DNA to see if he has family out there, he can and we can place him with them. Or, he’s going to need to be moved into the system. We can’t have him in a temporary situation for years until he ages out.”
“What about Vivienne? She can’t take him back?” Cash asked, trying to make sure we looked at everything from all angles.
“No. The abuse she dished out to her son was concerning, but when we interviewed her, that was more concerning. She’s thinking of willingly signing away her rights to the boy.”
Cash and I nodded solemnly. We’d been riding this fantastic high in our relationship these last two weeks, seeing what it would be like to be an actual family with Calen, but we knew we needed to figure out his situation. The CPS worker left her card and said to call if we found more family to try to place him with, that if he wasn’t with family, he’d have to go into foster care. As we stood to shake her hand, she commented that it was urgent and that we found someone quickly.
