This meant I had to have the birds and the bees and safe sex talks with him. Shit. Condoms. Did I have to demonstrate how to do that? Did they still do that in school? On the banana? I was going to need to tell him about that too.
Oh fuck this was about to be weird. A fresh hell for me to navigate.
No. I could do this. I turned to give them some privacy, walking into the kitchen where Devin wrapped her arms around me. My arms wrapped around her, not knowing how much I needed her touch to ground me before I really started to freak out with the questions floating around up there and the knowledge that I had to have the most awkward talk ever with the kid tomorrow morning. Regardless if he’d had it before. Kid needed to know and he needed to know from someone who’d been through it and could be honest with him about all the weird shit that happens.
Devin smiled up at me, that easy, lazy, happy grin, that somehow comforted me like she was already thinking the same thing I was. It helped me feel like we were on the same page, like she was right there with me, spiraling thoughts and all that we’d need to teach him.
Thank fuck that I had her to share this with.
And the thought occurred to me, plainly, so obviously that I was a little startled I hadn’t realized it sooner. I wanted this. I wanted her. I wanted this life with her. With Calen. I wanted more kids. I wanted her to be my wife. I wanted to be oldand wrinkly with her. I wanted grand kids with her. I wanted to fight with and for her every day until forever.
I felt myself go rigid as that feeling, that surety settled within me. I wanted all of this. I want these little moments. This fun I was lucky enough to have with both of these people who mean so much to me. I wanted this forever.
I looked into her eyes as they filled with worry and I let myself feel every bit of love that way filling me up. I felt my mouth tip up into one of the biggest smiles I’ve ever given. I felt the tip of my nose tingle and my eyes felt a little watery.
This was lasting love, deep and soul affirming love. This is what I wanted.
Holy shit.
“Can I dance with you?” My voice was a little wobbly, but I had no idea where that came from. Thankfully, she smiled, and giggled at me. She leaned in like we might disrupt something in the universe.
“Right now? Right here?”
I turned, looking over my shoulder, and saw the kids going and looking through the movies on all the subscriptions I had. I nodded my head and looked back at her.
“Yes. There’s a song I need to dance with you to, if you don’t mind?” She just smiled and nodded at me as I connected my phone to the Bluetooth speaker I had in the kitchen. Wind Up Missin’ You by Tucker Wetmore strummed through the speaker as I wrapped an arm around her, and held her other hand. I smiled at her and started singing to her. I knew I didn’t have Johnny Cash’s voice by any means, but I gave my damnedest as I sang the chorus to her.
I leaned down and kissed her. It was sweet, gentle, loving. I didn’t push it because, while I was lost in my own little bubble with her, I knew that the kids were still close and could see if they turned around. I had to keep this PG. This was not the time to show her how much I loved her. That time would come later tonight when I was able to freely worship every inch of her.
God I fucking love her.
Her smile, her face, the love that filled her eyes alongside her tears, had me freefalling in love.
“I love you too,” she whispered so quietly I thought I imagined it until the first tear fell from her cheek. My breath caught.
“You love me?”
*****
Devin’s POV
This man…he was my person. He was mine. He was who I was meant to be with, who I should have waited for. I didn’t know how the fuck I knew this, it was just this intense, bone-deep feeling, an intuition of sorts. Something that I could feel in every fiber of my being.
Cash was made for me.
Not Caleb.
If this man ever did to me…what Caleb did…I wouldn’t survive. My heart physically hurt from the mere thought of it potentially happening, a complete hypothetical situation. I knew I’d truly never be the same, I’d never be whole, ever again. The thought both warmed and terrified me.
I loved this man unconditionally.
I trusted him completely, but not blindly.
It hadn’t even been that long since we got together, but when I saw the concern and then the shocked look across his face when he heard me whisper to him, I knew. I just knew he’d give me everything I ever wanted. Whether it was a house out of the city, kids, a penthouse…I didn’t think it would matter. He would get it for me, and he’d do it happily for me and me alone.
He truly loved me. This wonderful man was my future.
If he came with Calen as a package deal, I’d happily accept him too. They were so sweet together, and I reveled in the joy it brought me, my thoughts of forever. Of a lifetime with this man.
